The Beauty of Emotional Vomit

The very best marriage material we have discovered lately has been by Alison Armstrong.  She is the founder of the organization PAX international.   For our belated 15th anniversary, we decided to go to LA to hear her speak.  Here's a pic of the 3 of us!    

What do we like about her stuff?

She just gets it!!

Gets WHAT? you might ask.

She gets us!!  You and me!  Men and women!

Here's a super simple example of what I'm talking about that happened just today. 

A woman was fairly (ok, really!)  rude to me as I was walking in the library parking lot with one of my girls.  I was shocked by her lack of personal boundaries and I tried to just walk past her and ignore her.  I couldn't.  I rose my voice, attempted to thank her for her concern (not overly nice), and then proceeded to tell her that I will decide what I need to do for my family and that I didn't need her input!  I wasn't super proud of my actions toward her and innerwardly felt angry at this lady and myself, for allowing myself to get so upset and lose control.  

As I pulled out of the parking lot, trying to breathe slowly & trembling with emotions, I called Kurt.  I asked him to hold the bucket for me.

What?  Hold the bucket?

Yes!  Hold the bucket!  

Something I learned from Alison is that, as women, often we need to simply dump and get it all out, otherwise known as holding the bucket.  I needed to, for lack of better words, "vomit" it all up and have Kurt just be there holding the bucket for me.

He didn't need to fix anything.  

He didn't need to do anything.

Rather, I just simply needed him to listen, empathize and let me share.  

And so I did!

This was sooo helpful!  And then I thanked him for his time, for listening, and for not trying to fix the situation.  On his own, he reminded me that I was a good mom (I really needed to hear that) and to try and forgive what that woman said.  

Again, just what I needed.  

I felt much better.  The tension in me was releasing.  Him holding the bucked allowed me to let go.  

I asked him to pray for me to move on and not rehearse the situation over and over in my head.  It really helped me get past the situation and keep it from ruining my morning.

Sigh (deep breath!)....

Just a small example, but that's how Alison gets us, as women.   Her 20-plus years of research of understanding men and women, has been a huge blessing to Kurt and me.  If you're looking for some new material for your marriage, maybe Alison's insight is just what you need.  You can find her at www.understandmen.com

Fatigue: The Enemy of Love

Beth tried so hard.

She wanted so much to make Father’s Day really nice and not require anything from me. 

But here’s the problem: We just got back from a vacation two days previously, so we were still catching up on taking care of the house, unpacking, and prepping for Father’s Day.

She planned this great outing where we would bike along the Towpath at the Cuyahoga National Park and take a fun tourist train back to a picnic spot where we would have a nice lunch and cake along with both of our parents.

And yet, she kept an upbeat spirit and a smile on, despite the rushing, dealing with 5 kids, and accommodating family dynamics.  She knows how important it is for me that she enjoy herself as well.  But by the time we got home, and got the kids down for naps and quiet time, she seemed sour.  I thought she was upset about the whole day and that made me upset because I wished we hadn’t done any of it if it just made her frustrated, and so on and so on.

When we finally acknowledged the tension (it was her who initiated again-God, thank you for her), it was none of that.  She was just worn out, tired, and needed a nap.

How many times have we misinterpreted tiredness? 

How many arguments would not have occurred if we had been well rested?

How many hurtful words might we have held back if we hadn’t lost our hesitancy due to being tired?

May this be a challenge to all of us to pursue rest because when it comes to good things, taking care of our own needs always allows us to better meet the needs of others.

Sexy Saturdays: Who is sharing your bed?

Last week we discussed a sensitive topic, that of marital aids.  The subject brings up another

issue that affects every one of us in our marriage bed: our childhood.

The Story of Us with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis, a movie about a struggling marriage and family, is great entertainment and truly insightful.  In one scene the couple sits in bed arguing when suddenly their parents appear in their bed and fuel the argument.  It illustrated how our childhood voices influence our sex lives.

For those of us who grew up in well-meaning homes, guilt can often be associated with our sexual desires.  Eminent psychologist, author, and lecturer Dr. Archbald Hart wrote “Guilt-based sexual feelings are ingrained at an early age by unwitting parents.  One must learn to ignore these feelings.”

Whether it was a parent, church, synagogue, mentor, teacher, or relative, many attempts at encouraging sexual responsibility in youth often create guilt feelings later.

This warrants some self-reflection time.  Ask yourself these questions:

What was I taught (directly or indirectly) about sex from those in authority over me (parents, teachers, etc.)?

What did I pick up from friends or culture about sex when I was younger?

Do any of the above answers need to be ditched or adjusted in my adulthood?

How have some of these distorted views of sexuality affected my intimacy with my spouse?

Who do I need to forgive?

Do I need to ask forgiveness of my spouse for how some of my attitudes have affected him/her?

Ideally, these questions would be great to do alone, but then also with your spouse.  But even if it’s just on your own there could be tremendous healing in your mind, heart, and marriage bed. 

Billy Graham's grandson resigns after admitting affair

Billy Graham’s grandson, Tullian Tchividjian, a pastor, recently resigned after admitting to having an

affair.  His wife had one previously, and Tchividjian, while trying to work through that turned to a female friend and that relationship, in his words, turned “inappropriate.” 

I am not here to shame this man.  Marriage is hard and failure happens.  The media, however, loves to find failure in a man with convictions and by doing so reveals the lack of their own. 

But this story reminds me again about the importance of team dynamics. 

I recently heard a leadership talk by Ed Catmull founder of Pixar, the maker of some of the best animated films of the last several decades. 

Catmull related that after the success of their first film Toy Story, they struggled to find another new idea.  They had dissolved the old development team and hired a new one. 

The trouble is that the new team didn’t work well together.  Even though they had lots of ideas, they just couldn’t gel as a team and the process became, in Catmull’s words, a “disaster."

They had to start over

They ditched the development team and brought back the old group.  This group worked together well and developed a new storyline that worked and brought together what would become A Bug’s Life. 

Catmull noticed something though: the storyline that this team came up with had the basic elements that the unsuccessful team had needed to scrap.

His conclusion was this: A bad team with a good idea will screw it up.
A good team with a bad idea will either fix it or throw it out.

He realized that Pixar needed a second team not to develop ideas, but to develop good teams because, he now knew, good teams will produce good ideas.

I’m sure Tullian Tchividjian did a lot of good things in his life as a pastor, but his team (he and his wife) had bad dynamics.  This doesn’t invalidate the good he has done, but it makes one wonder how much more good could have been done with strong marriage dynamics. 

We pray that Tchividjian and his wife can heal, reconcile, and forgive.  There is still good ahead of them.  Let us all learn from them and others, though, to never overlook our own "team dynamics" for even the most noble of causes.

*I just want to point out that I don't claim to know any of the reasons or causes of Tchividjian's affair and mean no accusation against them.  We affirm what he tweeted the other day, "Welcome to the valley of the shadow of death...thank God grace reigns here."

Sneak one more peek at Will and Morgan's Wedding!

We just finished Will and Morgan's wedding film and are thrilled!  We'll be sharing it with them soon.  To add a little fun for Will and Morgan and their friends and family here is one more little teaser for everyone to enjoy.  When we get the whole film posted we'll let you all know!
Kurt and Beth


Will and Morgan's sneak peek 2! from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

16 year anniversary!

Love celebrating by filming weddings, but got to celebrate the 16th anniversary of our wedding in Newport Beach,CA.

Life on a Tuesday: No make up or shower needed

Yesterday Kurt and I and our girls were invited to our friend Carol's for dinner.

As anybody who has young children knows, getting us all (including ourselves) up and out can be quite a feat.

Mind you, it was a beautiful, but humid day. As the girls and I went to the new playground around the corner, it was my delight to be asked to be the chaser for tag.  I was all in!  As I took my "tag job" seriously and chased the older, faster girls up and down, around and around, I found myself quickly out of breath.  Exhausted a few minutes later,  I found myself longing for a cold shower.  Well, that didn't happen and each time as I was hot and sweating throughout the day, I thought oh how lovely it would be to take a shower....sometime!  Well, that never came to pass.

So, as our evening plans unfolded, we, of course, we're running a bit late.  No shower was taken nor make up was put on. 

YIKES, right!?! 

But here's the sweetness in all of this, NONE was needed.

We were invited to a good friend's house for dinner and she's just one of those people where nothing is needed.

You can just come and be.

And so, that's what I did! Unabashedly.  I think I did put some deordorant on, just for preventive measures!  :)

Carol is one of those people who is such a delight and makes us feel right at home. 

We can come and just kick back - no make  up, no pretenses, nothing is needed. 

I found myself extra grateful and truly relaxed, enjoying the sweet gift of her friendship. And all of this without make up or a shower.  

Now that's a beautiful thing.

It's Always Her

It's always her. 

Ok, not always, but it's often her.  

I know you're thinking it's bad and I'm blaming her.  Nope.

When we both are in a funk or unhappy about something or at odds, there's that weird tension, that unsettled mist hanging in the air.  It just takes one of us to pull down the wall.  

So when we are in those moody moments with something between us, it feels awful.  I can't focus well.  I feel frustrated as I'm running through the "should have said-s" and "will say-s."    

Then she says, "We'll be all right."  

Or, "We're in this together."  

Or simply, "I love you."

Like the walls of Jericho, the defenses go down.  Suddenly the day is brighter, my heart is lighter, and I can feel air underneath my feet again.

I'm trying to get better at being the one that takes that step.  I've had a few breakthroughs, but Beth is the queen in this arena and I love her for it.

So, next time there's that weird air around you and your main squeeze, let's you and I be the one to push out those wall-dropping words.

Sexy Saturdays: Marital Aids, what?

Ok, maybe you grew up with a family that was really open about sex or, for whatever reason, you're pretty comfortable with all sorts of sex-related products.

But it you're like us and grew up being even a little embarrassed by driving past a store like Ambiance, then this is for you.

For Beth and I, marital aids, better known as sex toys, were long considered weird, kinky, and especially "bad."  Part of this has to do with the fact that many stores or sites that carry these items are garish and loud, like you just walked into a strobe-light infused illegal drug store. It can weird one out pretty easily!

But one day, many years ago, I was walking and talking with a really good friend that I trusted and respected.  He's one of those few special friends where we can talk quite openly.  We got to the subjects of our marriages and were discussing some challenges Beth and I were having.  He mentioned the marital aids that he and his wife used.

I wouldn't say I was shocked, but I just didn't know 'normal' people used those things (call me naive...oh, well).  From that conversation Beth and I bought and tried out some items (it took a while to find some that were right for us-every couple is different) until we found one that, honestly, has done more to bring satisfaction to my wife than anything else.

The good news is that, for those who don't like to deal with the weird stores or sites, you can find a lot of these items on regular places like Amazon or health stores like Vitasprings (under women's health).  There are even sites that sell marital aids without erotic images on the site like The Pure Bed.

You and your spouse have to talk about this and work out how you feel about them.  'Springing' a marital aid onto your spouse unaware will not likely lead to a romantic evening.

However, like the rest of life, if you are willing to see this as part of the journey to bless each other in more and different ways, as the ancient Jewish poem Song of Songs says,

"Lover and beloved, eat and drink!  Yes, drink deeply of your love!"