Are you in the mood? Maybe it doesn't matter.

Imagine your life if you only did the following activities when you were in the mood:

• going to work
• grocery shopping
• spending time with your kids
• talking to your friends
• getting dressed

You would be financially strapped, hungry, distant from your kids, friendless, and slovenly.

Yet, isn't it funny that we often feel like sex with our spouse should only happen when we're both in the mood?

Alison Armstrong says in The Queen's Code:

"What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to.  That is usually fine in the beginning when sexual tension is high.  The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle.  But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exits is like trying to line up the moons and the stars.  Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women....I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies' cyclical and circumstantial hormones."

Does it ever feel like you and your spouse speak different languages? Well, you are!

I grew up learning German, but never quite got the hang of it.  With a dad from Germany and my
extended family still living there, German was important to learn.  Unfortunately, I never got past a basic level.

So when my Oma from Germany would call us and I "talked" to her on the phone, I didn't understand much.  She may have been expressing wonderful, touching feelings for me, her grandson, but all I heard was the rough tones natural to the German tongue.

I wanted to express interest and love for my Oma, but without much language ability in German, I was stuck with stock phrases and bad grammar.

This is a perfect allegory for problems many of us have in marriage.

We all feel love in certain ways-typically in one (or a mixture) of these five:

Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Quality time
Acts of service
Gifts

That's our "love language," a concept developed by Gary Chapman in his groundbreaking book The Five Love Languages.  It's built in to us.  Naturally, then, we give love that way too, because we assume that everyone speaks our language.

And then we get married...to someone who probably speaks a different love language or, at the very least, a different dialect of a similar one.

So here we are loving and loving (in our language), but if our spouse has a different love language they feel like we're not loving them at all.  He's speaking German and she's speaking English!

Understanding this concept of the 5 love languages honestly transformed the way Beth and I reacted to each other.  Over the next 5 weeks we'll explore each one of these different languages.

To start off, here is a fantastic short video that illustrates the 5 love languages without any words.  Check it out.  It's really worth it.



The 5 Love Languages Trailer from Dr. Gary Chapman on Vimeo.

A Woman Cannot Understand Men Without This! Take a Guess!

So, we're re-reading this book, The Queen's Code, for a book group thing we're doing for a couple of months.  We're super excited to be doing this alongside other couples who are willing to do this adventure with us!  This book is written by Alison Armstrong, whom we have found be amazingly perceptive when it comes to understanding male/female differences.  

Since this is a Sexy Saturday blog, I'm going to focus today on something related to intimacy from one of her chapters.  

“A woman cannot understand men, and bring out the best in them, without understanding their relationship to sex."

Ok, let's start with that quote.  It seems to me that there are three essential points:

1.  As women, our pursuit should be to understand men.

2.  As women, we should want to bring out the best in them.  It may not be our husbands if we're not married, but our brothers, fathers, co-workers, neighbors, good friends...etc.  

3.  As women, we need to understand the value of intimacy for them.

Wow!  That's a lot right there!  I mean, how many of us women are really actively trying to understand our men?  I mean, how much easier is it to joke, put down, ultimately emasculate them?  And then, to bring out the best in them?!  Yes, it's sounds like a good idea, especially if that man might be your husband, but do any of us know how to truly bring out the things that help them be their best self?  (Do we even know that for ourselves?!?  Maybe that should be another blog?!) And lastly, how many of us actively pursue trying to understand what sex means to them?  This seems like a tall order, right?!  Lol!  :)

Well, please don't be disappointed...but I'd rather be honest with you, I don't have the answers.  I wish I did!  It would be a lot easier, right! I could just tell you the magic secret and poof....an amazing, conflict-free, super happy marriage!   Well, it won't be that easy...but I am willing to learn and if you'll join me for the next few weeks on this Sexy Saturday blog, we'll explore some answers to how to understand men and their relationship to sex.  

If you have time, I would love your feedback and thoughts.  

What we can learn from teens about male/female differences

I'm a high school teacher by day and occasionally teach a speech course.  A year ago I decided to add a unit on the difference in communication styles between men and women.

One of my introductory activities is to have students respond anonymously to this prompt on a note

card: To Girls: What is one thing you wish men know about women?  And To Guys: What is one thing you wish women knew about men?

I thought it would be interesting to reflect on some of the replies.

Answer 1 (from a girl): "We think most guys are jerks because that's how we see most guys act."

There's 2 sides to this one.

In defense of men:
As a book said: men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti.  Men compartmentalize their lives, unlike women where all things are interrelated.  Since men find it natural to be able to put one thing in life aside to focus on another, this can easily make it appear that they are insensitive.  Women, generally, do not 'put things aside' in the same sense.

The ability to focus and shut other things out becomes very helpful at times, whether responding to an emergency or being able to recognize what is more important in a situation over other competing issues.

Therefore, women may need to see that "jerkiness", when expressed as not being emotional, is actually a great quality that helps relationships.

In defense of women:
Many men, because they can set their feelings aside to focus elsewhere, don't realize that women aren't designed to do this.  So, when a man treats his wife like he would treat another guy and ignores deeper issues, he may indeed be hurting her.  This is where we men must learn to be sensitive, sympathetic, and understanding even when our insights cry out for us to fix, push, or joke.

So, gentlemen, let's take a look at our own perceived "jerkiness" and make we're balancing our focus and our sensitivity.

Get away!!!

Kurt and I try hard to “escape” away  - once a season if we can.  So, our wedding anniversary was Dec. 19^th, so right after Christmas we try to get away. 

The morning of we’re feverishly cleaning the usual messes up, helping our kiddos pack, and the weird thing is almost always one or more of our girls are sick.  It’s the worst for me, as the mom.  My heart is worried about leaving them; will they get worse?….ugh!  Kurt often has to remind me that they are in good hands and we’re much better off for getting away.

Anywho, we finally get the kiddos out the door and Kurt and I just look at each other, take a deep breath (usually one of us shouts for delight) and smile!  A big, “thank you so much, Jesus” smile!  J

I didn’t realize how much we needed this break until that point.  WOW!  We really needed time together…uninterruped, time to simply relax, have fun and be with each other. 

 

Once we finally got us out of the house (this can drive Kurt nuts, but I like to leave the house picked up, dishes put away…etc.…it makes it more enjoyable to come home to! I still remember the fun conversation with some friends about how the wife loves to wash the floor before they leave….lol!)  we had a great time! 

We escape to this little place in Amish country. It’s called Donna’s Premier Lodging.  For us, our necessities are a Jacuzzi tub and a fireplace.  We also love to have a little kitchenette, so we can have the option of making meals if we want to.

The two best parts of this get away was the Jacuzzi tub & the ability to talk  uninterrupted for hours. J  The tub allowed us the ability to physically relax and connect.  I think we were prunes by the time we got out.  The long conversations allowed us to reconnect emotionally & spiritiually.  I love our kiddos, but they clamor for our attention and affections as well.  It  can be exhausting.  Getting away helps us to get filled up again…

I love Kurt so much, but after time like this away….oh my heart loves and appreciates him ever more.   Since getting time to focus we’re so much more connected, we truly are better parents, and most importantly we're reminded of the joy of being husband & wife. 

We only got away for one night this time, so as we left to check out, we decided right then and there that we’re getting away next year around the same time – but for two nights!  We already booked it – we just have to clear it with our parents to watch our kiddos!  

Looking at your calendar together is SOO romantic! :)

There’s an email we get every morning:  it’s called the Generous Wife (I know Kurt has mentioned the Generous Husband on his posts).  They are a couple who write daily about how to make relationships work better with the opposite sex. 

Sometimes I read them, sometimes I don’t.  But usually when I do, I find gems.  I’ve decided to post one of her latest posts.  It’s simple, but it’s encouraging and something Kurt and I try to do – be intentional with our marriage by checking in with each other.  We actually did this yesterday!  J  It really does help the rest of the week run better and then we schedule in the things that really count! 

My husband and I try to check in with each other fairly frequently over events, appointments, and such. Aside from the gift of fewer conflicts, it’s just nice to communicate and be on the same page.

Why not schedule a regular time to connect with your husband and talk through your week. Perhaps at the breakfast table or at a local coffee house on Sunday afternoon. Your week will run smoother, you’ll know how to pray for each other, and you’ll get in a little couple time too.  :)

"The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."  Stephen Covey

On your deathbed, what will have won? TV or making love?

I know it's a weird title.

You may have heard the phrase: "On your deathbed you won't wish you had spent more time at the

office."

It's a curious thing to consider: how will you wish you had spent your time when you're at the end of your life?

As weird as it sounds, how does sex fit into this consideration?  Obviously, there are a lot of valuable ways to spend time, some even more important that sex!  However, sex is the one activity that we share with our spouse alone to the exclusion of every other relationship we have on the face of the earth.  The intimacy, the vulnerability, the bonding, the fun, the laughter, all of it is a relational cement we find nowhere else.

Yet, how often has TV been what we chose over making love with our lover?  Most don't say, "Yes, I want TV over sex," but many make this choice by default.

So, when you consider the life-long value of making love versus watching a TV show, ask yourself which you'll be happy you chose more often at the end of your life.  Hopefully, we can choose the one we love.

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

We danced to "Spinning Like a Wheel" by Susan Ashton.

What? You've never heard of it?!

It's no surprise.  Honestly, we didn't have an "our song," so when the DJ asked, we had to come up with something.  Beth had a CD by a lesser-known artist named Susan Ashton and liked it so we picked a song on that album.  I don't think I'd ever heard it before!

I thought it would be interesting to go back to our wedding song to see if it matches up with us now.

Spinning like a wheel, round and round I go over you
Too good to be real, how you're moving me.
I'm lost in a whirlwind, so this is how it feels
Spinning like a wheel so in love with you.



Back then, I hated it when people cracked on "young love."  I still do now, but I get where it comes from.  See, I'm not spinning anymore.

There are two reasons couples don't spin anymore.  One is because hurts, annoyances, and humdrum have accumulated enough that "young love" looks naive and, quite honestly, stupid.  "They'll become just like us," these cynics think, "and all that mush will go away."

But there's another, alternative reason not to spin that doesn't mean something has gone away.  In fact, it doesn't mean that being "in love" has gone away either.

The writer C.S. Lewis once wrote that a pilot is thrilled when flying for the first time, but after more flying, that excitement wears off.  But, if that pilot continues to fly they will then learn flying tricks and maneuvers they once never believed they would achieve.  Lewis compared this to the growth of love as it moves out of early thrill and moves into greater depth.

For many of of us, being "in love" is the presence of romantic and affectionate feelings.  Beth and I are still "in love," but not because we have maintained the "spinning" nature of our dating and first years of marriage.  I would argue that this is not a state to maintain, but to build from and mature.  Through date nights, kind words, sweet notes, flirting, love making, jokes, getaways, and more, we not only keep the flame alive, but continue to put new wood on the fire.

But what makes this better than spinning is that our "in love-ness" is now combined with long, meaningful, sometimes difficult discussions, having gone through pain together, learning to raise children, facing loss at each other's sides, helping clean up each other's short comings, and entering into each other's spiritual and emotional hopes and dreams.

So, no, we're not "spinning"; instead, we are "soaring," facing the rushing wind with our hands clasped together (and a giggle :).