"I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too"

I asked a group of male high school students: What is one thing you wish girls knew about guys?

A guy's response: "I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too sometimes."

Men tend to compartmentalize naturally.  Without much effort, they put aside the argument they had with their wife that morning and can switch to focusing on work or even the football game.

To many women this seems to reinforce the idea that men are not emotional.

In all reality, we have many emotions, maybe even as many as a woman.  But, we want our woman to know: We don't hide them intentionally (if we're healthy).  We hide them because we are designed to be hunters and protectors.  In order to slay those dragons to protect our woman and family, we leave our feelings behind a lot.

On one hand, we would be so blessed if our woman would honor us by recognizing that we often make emotional sacrifices so that we can take care of them.

But we also want a safe place to share those emotions, though each man needs his wife to learn the way to bring them out.  Please know it won't work the way women do it.  We may need to be asked at the right time, often after we have had space to unwind or get distracted, before we can tap into our feelings.  Or we may need to experience safety from her by having her full attention, or seeing her honor our feelings and not dismiss, interrupt, or criticize them.  For some relationships this may take time if the opposite has been true.

Men and women deal with their emotions in different ways, and a little understanding can help us find a way to honor those differences.

Gifts: a little goes a long way

Every time my mom comes to our house she has something with her.  It could be an magazine article that she

thinks one of us will like, some clothes for the kids that she got for a GREAT deal at a thrift store, bananas she got on sale at Marc's, or some other this-or-that.

I guess I was used to it, since it's my mom after all.  Beth, though, was often puzzled by the odd assortments accompanying my mom's visits.  After a while, we realized-my mom loves bringing little gifts.  Honestly, sometimes, even now in her 70's she will physically jump up and down because she's so excited about a great find she has brought over.  This is the heart of a person with gifts as a primary love language.

Like we've mentioned before, each language has dialects.  Gifts might be odds and ends like my mom, or it might mean wrapped presents, or crafts, or flowers, and so on.

Does your spouse always bring things to you or leave things in your lunch box?  This is his or her way of saying "I love you."  Remember to see it that way, especially if you don't share that language.

In fact, this may be a source of conflict for some couples if gift giving includes spending money.  It may be worth creating a budget for your gift-giving spouse.  This way you can acknowledge that it is important enough to budget for, but also has some agreed-upon limits.  Don't forget, to budget or plan for it for you too.  If your spouse is giving lots of gifts, it might very well mean that she also wants to receive them, and will truly feel love when she does.

Acts of Service: house projects can turn you on!

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away Beth and I didn't have kids!  It's hard to remember that time!  One memory does stick out, though.

I had come home after a long day at work to find Beth in the basement.  She was really in a peppy

mood too.  You see, she had organized and cleaned our oh, so cluttered space.  It truly was a big undertaking.  I could tell she was really proud of it as she showed me around what she had done.  "Way to go!" I thought.

I don't know exactly when she finally told me this, but she was a bit disappointed.  She had done all this for...me.  Me?  I didn't get it.  She thought this would really be an awesome way to do something sweet and loving for me.  This was an early indication that, first of all, my love language was anything but acts of service, and, more importantly, that Beth's love language had a dart sticking right into the bullseye of that "acts of service"!

This confused me a great deal as a young husband.  Love and touch were, to me obvious ways to express love.  Heck, isn't that what you do, especially when you want to turn a girl on?  You romance her with words and with romantic touch.

Oh!!!  Those were MY love languages!  (I was starting to get it!)

I honestly had to take language classes on this one because I didn't see how cleaning a basement or hanging a picture on a wall would make my wife feel loved, let alone romantic, but I was wrong.

I still don't feel love this way myself, but I've learned to help Beth out, do nice house projects, or even just fix things around the house.  I've trained my brain to remember that this is one of the best ways to drop love deposits in her bank account and, surprisingly, it even stokes the home fires too!

Quality time: more than words can say

"I love you!"
"You're so great at that!"
"I appreciate everything you do!"

For some people, this puts them on cloud nine.  For some others, this is like white noise from a radio in between stations.  Not that they don't like it per se, but if that's it, it feels hollow.

It's not uncommon for a guy who is not a big words of affirmation guy, to think, "I appreciate the praise, but what I really want is for her to go biking with me."

It might also look like this: a wife who enjoys making love with her husband, but who still feels low on the love-meter because he rarely takes time to sit down with some coffee and just talk to her.

These are examples of people whose love language is quality time.  This language, like the others, has many dialects.  That means that quality time can look very different to different individuals.

Here are just a few of those dialects:

-participating in a sport together
-having intimate talk time
-watching TV, movies, plays, or concerts together
-going for walks
-working on a project together
-playing together with the kids
-reading a book together in bed

The list can be as varied as there are various kinds of people.  If you're a quality time person, analyze yourself.  What counts as "quality" time for you?  In other words, what kinds of activity leave you feeling loved and valued?

Once you figure those out, make sure to talk with your lady or your man and work out a way to make it happen regularly.

Physical Touch: Don't caress in public!...at least in 1938

This 1938 newspaper dating suggestion is pretty funny.  Oh, how times have changed.  What dating couple does not
express familiarity in public these days?  And, for certain, most of us don't consider "any open show of affection" as "bad taste" (within reason).

What's funny is that, though, we expect it from dating couples, many of us drop this open affection after being married for a while.

Why does this happen?

Our experience with couples shows us that it often is a difference in love languages.  Often one spouse feels and gives love physically naturally.  The other spouse often expresses and receives love in another way.

The trouble is this: the non-affectionate spouse WAS affectionate while dating and even early on in marriage.

Two suggestions:
1. The spouse who feels loved by physical touch in public (and at home) needs to express to the other what this provides for them.

This is not nagging.  This is explaining how receiving touch makes you feel emotionally as well as how it makes you respond, then, to your spouse.  Since your other half doesn't feel this way naturally, you have to explain how it makes you feel.

2. The other spouse needs to learn a foreign language.
We each speak different languages in love.  To one person hand-holding is like saying "I love you."  To another if you don't actually say "I love you," hand-holding doesn't rate.  One person's love language is physical touch.  The other's is words of affirmation.  There are many forms of love languages.

The point is, that if you're the spouse who doesn't naturally speak physical affection, you'll need to do what people do when they learn a foreign language: learn how it works and practice speaking it, even when it feels awkward to you.

The goal, of course, is that if you want your spouse to understand your love, then you've got to learn to speak his or her language.

Words of Affirmation: a hole in your heart shaped like words

When my mom was a young girl in the 1950s she was a top-notch student.  Sharing her straight A report card with her mom, though, was a very deflating experience.  My grandmother never praised her.  My mom was so desperate for affirmation that she made it a habit to take her report card to show to a friend's mom who would lavish her with adulation!

If you can relate to any part of this story, you are someone with a "words of affirmation" primary love

language.

This is not some self-absorbed means of boosting your ego.  Your heart is shaped to be filled with words, and almost nothing else can fill up that spot.

If you grew up with a parent or parents who neglecting this love language, you have probably become painfully aware of your need for it.  On the other hand, if you had parents who spoke it well,  you probably felt very loved, and may even not realize how crucial it is to your sense of wholeness.

Either way, the man or woman you married, if your relationship is at a healthy place, wants to love you, but if he or she doesn't speak words of affirmation readily,  you will need to verbalize your need.

Explain what it does for you when they say "I love you" or verbally praise the work that you did or what you did in bed that really revved their engine.

Don't ask for affirmation as an act of nagging, but as a way to create motivation for your spouse to speak love in the way you hear it best.

Once you have that conversation, hear me saying via the mysterious internet: "Good job!"  

Does it ever feel like you and your spouse speak different languages? Well, you are!

I grew up learning German, but never quite got the hang of it.  With a dad from Germany and my
extended family still living there, German was important to learn.  Unfortunately, I never got past a basic level.

So when my Oma from Germany would call us and I "talked" to her on the phone, I didn't understand much.  She may have been expressing wonderful, touching feelings for me, her grandson, but all I heard was the rough tones natural to the German tongue.

I wanted to express interest and love for my Oma, but without much language ability in German, I was stuck with stock phrases and bad grammar.

This is a perfect allegory for problems many of us have in marriage.

We all feel love in certain ways-typically in one (or a mixture) of these five:

Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Quality time
Acts of service
Gifts

That's our "love language," a concept developed by Gary Chapman in his groundbreaking book The Five Love Languages.  It's built in to us.  Naturally, then, we give love that way too, because we assume that everyone speaks our language.

And then we get married...to someone who probably speaks a different love language or, at the very least, a different dialect of a similar one.

So here we are loving and loving (in our language), but if our spouse has a different love language they feel like we're not loving them at all.  He's speaking German and she's speaking English!

Understanding this concept of the 5 love languages honestly transformed the way Beth and I reacted to each other.  Over the next 5 weeks we'll explore each one of these different languages.

To start off, here is a fantastic short video that illustrates the 5 love languages without any words.  Check it out.  It's really worth it.



The 5 Love Languages Trailer from Dr. Gary Chapman on Vimeo.

Give the gift of words in your bedroom

We're constantly telling our kids to "use your words"  and "tell us what you want" instead of trying to imply their wants through whining, crying, or pouting.

The same is true for adults in the bedroom.

How many times have you thought things like this:

I love when she does that.  I wish she would do it again.
I wish she would wear something different when we make love.
I wish he would start touching there instead of there.
I love that!  Oh, don't stop.  Why did she stop?
I love his cologne.  Why doesn't he wear it when we have sex?

We think so many things, but like our kids, we hope our spouse will just 'get it.'  Try to give your spouse the gift of words: Tell her, tell him what you'd really like.

You might be wondering: how is that a gift when I'm asking for something I want for me?

This is how love works: when we know how to bring satisfaction and pleasure to someone, we love to do it.  The frustration comes when we're trying to give love but it doesn't seem to be working.

So, share what you want and, this is crucial, explain what it provides for you.  Tell how what you're asking for would make you feel or how it would motivate you.

For example: When you wear lingerie it makes me feel like a man and that you desire me.
   or    When you light candles it makes me feel more romantic and less inhibited.

This is a gift that you give to the both of you.  Give it a try.

How to keep your woman's heart in your court

Guys, want to keep your woman wanting to impress you?  Do you want to keep her from looking to other guys for what she wants?  Check out this short 2 minute video:

A victory of communication over assumption!

It was a late night.

We got the kids down late

We were cooking late.

The kitchen was a disaster.

We had to get up early to visit an out-of-town friend.

Bad news...but we had a victory.

Usually, in this situation here's what would have happened: After the kids were down, I would have wanted to clean the kitchen by myself, but wouldn't have said so.  You see, if I did, I figured Beth would have not accepted my idea, mainly because she would feel bad leaving it all to me.

But we've been working on telling each other what we really need.  I explained that I wouldn't mind cleaning up the kitchen on my own because I could listen to a podcast (which I love to do) and I would enjoy the non-people time (I'm an introvert).  I also told her that I know she would be her best self tomorrow if she got more sleep (I can live off less than her).

And hallelujah!  Beth happily believed me and we both got what we needed: for Beth, a clean kitchen and more sleep; for me, time to myself and some good political podcast listening time.

It has taken us a long time to get here, but it's sooo good.  Give it a try.  What do you really need that would help you be your best self?  What does your spouse need to be her best self?  Ask each other, tell each other, and make it happen.

Are you a good kisser?

You probably think I'm going to help you answer the title, don't you?  Sorry!

Here's the story behind the title:

So...my wife and I had our very first kiss in a very public way: our wedding day.

I know, you think we're really strange.  Well, we were, but we're not offended!  Beth and I had both done our share of making out with previous boyfriends and girlfriends, but by the time we met, we had committed to going slow physically with our next significant other.

As a teacher, I often share the story of how Beth and I met.  It's a way for students to distract me in class.  Whenever the kissing part of our story comes up, there's nearly always a students who asks: "But what if you found out she was a bad kisser?!!"

Of course, I explain that there are a few more important items on what makes or breaks a marriage, but I also explain that kissing, like all things physical simply gets better with time and experience.  Thankfully, marriage provides both of these.

So, here's the question: how are you doing physically in your spouse's opinion?  Does your wife like how and when you kiss or how and when you touch her?  Does your husband like the way you touch and kiss him?

This seems very risky to ask.  It is.  I admit, it took Beth and I a long time before we could discuss these things without feeling offended when a suggestion was offered, but I'm so glad we have!  Beth has given me invaluable information about specifically when somethings feel good to her.  I had no idea that doing the same thing at a different time is the difference between annoying and a turn-on!

The key here is: make it low pressure, loving, encouraging, and positive.  Sandwich a suggestion with several positives.  Also, make sure you both get to share what you need, need differently, or just don't like.  That way you're in it together.

It's a challenge, but improving your love life is worth it.