Happiness is...a moral obligation.

Happiness.  We all want it, but along the way it's easy to lose hope.  In fact, sometimes others tell us that it's just selfishness anyway.  Heck, we say that to ourselves too!

I believe pursuing your own happiness is...a moral obligation.  That's fancy for "you must do it."  I didn't believe this until I started hearing the perspective of the guy in this 5 minute video.  Check it out.

The Queen's Code: Those Unreliable Hormones...

For those of you joining us for the first time, we are discussing key ideas about intimacy discussed in the book the Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong.

Are you ready?  Ok, here we go!  :)  (I love that we're doing this together!!). Here's the next quote from Ch. 5 which I thought was super insightful!  

“What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to. That is usually fine in the beginning ( of a relationship) when sexual tension is high. The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle. But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exists is like trying to line up the moon and the stars. Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women.”

She added assertively, “I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies’ cyclical and circumstantial hormones.”

Ok, let's chat about this.  When you get married, intimacy is usually 100% on the radar for each spouse.  It's exciting, new, fun...etc.  Which is I think what Alison is saying about sexual tension being high.  But like all things in life, even really wonderful things, eventually the newness, the wonder...etc.  wears off.  And I think this actually is good and naturally just happens, as more comfort and, well, reality settles in.  But as we get used to each other and our new rhythms, sex can become a bit more mundane or less of a priority for us women as well.  

Before we got married, I remember thinking that physical intimacy would be just like the movies portrayed....spontaneous and just so sexy and fun.  Hmmmm....now after being married for 17 years, I've come to realize, not so much!  Now, it can be some of those things, but, if I'm honest, not as much as I had initially hoped!  So, when Kurt and I sadly realized quite early on in our marriage that we had to figure this out and plan when intimacy was going to happen, I thought all the romance was taken out of this supposedly super romantic experience.  Again, I think that's what Alison is underscoring above in her thoughts about everything - the moon and stars aligning just perfectly- in order for both spouses to be in the mood and fully engaged to have sex.  It almost never happens!  

So, if we can't leave it to our hormones to make it happen (I'm definitely referring to us as women here- as we know most of our men have no problem here!  Lol) what are we to do?  I mentioned it above, but for us, we have to make it happen!  Yep!  That meant planning for intimacy!  Yes, we literally wrote on the calendar (using code words, of course!) when we were going to "hang out" and therefore make each other a priority!  I used to think "Boy, what a bummer that we can't be all spontaneous and such!" but now I've just come to realize this is what works best for us.  So, maybe the key is:  be intentional with your spouse about what works best for the two of you.  Talk about it and then figure out how to make it happen.  Maybe you can have the best of both worlds....a spontaneous intimacy time?!  Who knows?  Maybe that could be your flavor?  But don't give up if something just doesn't work....keep on trying and eventually you'll figure it out. And hopefully, you'll have lots of fun trying!   ;).

Are you in the mood? Maybe it doesn't matter.

Imagine your life if you only did the following activities when you were in the mood:

• going to work
• grocery shopping
• spending time with your kids
• talking to your friends
• getting dressed

You would be financially strapped, hungry, distant from your kids, friendless, and slovenly.

Yet, isn't it funny that we often feel like sex with our spouse should only happen when we're both in the mood?

Alison Armstrong says in The Queen's Code:

"What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to.  That is usually fine in the beginning when sexual tension is high.  The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle.  But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exits is like trying to line up the moons and the stars.  Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women....I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies' cyclical and circumstantial hormones."

Get away!!!

Kurt and I try hard to “escape” away  - once a season if we can.  So, our wedding anniversary was Dec. 19^th, so right after Christmas we try to get away. 

The morning of we’re feverishly cleaning the usual messes up, helping our kiddos pack, and the weird thing is almost always one or more of our girls are sick.  It’s the worst for me, as the mom.  My heart is worried about leaving them; will they get worse?….ugh!  Kurt often has to remind me that they are in good hands and we’re much better off for getting away.

Anywho, we finally get the kiddos out the door and Kurt and I just look at each other, take a deep breath (usually one of us shouts for delight) and smile!  A big, “thank you so much, Jesus” smile!  J

I didn’t realize how much we needed this break until that point.  WOW!  We really needed time together…uninterruped, time to simply relax, have fun and be with each other. 

 

Once we finally got us out of the house (this can drive Kurt nuts, but I like to leave the house picked up, dishes put away…etc.…it makes it more enjoyable to come home to! I still remember the fun conversation with some friends about how the wife loves to wash the floor before they leave….lol!)  we had a great time! 

We escape to this little place in Amish country. It’s called Donna’s Premier Lodging.  For us, our necessities are a Jacuzzi tub and a fireplace.  We also love to have a little kitchenette, so we can have the option of making meals if we want to.

The two best parts of this get away was the Jacuzzi tub & the ability to talk  uninterrupted for hours. J  The tub allowed us the ability to physically relax and connect.  I think we were prunes by the time we got out.  The long conversations allowed us to reconnect emotionally & spiritiually.  I love our kiddos, but they clamor for our attention and affections as well.  It  can be exhausting.  Getting away helps us to get filled up again…

I love Kurt so much, but after time like this away….oh my heart loves and appreciates him ever more.   Since getting time to focus we’re so much more connected, we truly are better parents, and most importantly we're reminded of the joy of being husband & wife. 

We only got away for one night this time, so as we left to check out, we decided right then and there that we’re getting away next year around the same time – but for two nights!  We already booked it – we just have to clear it with our parents to watch our kiddos!  

Looking at your calendar together is SOO romantic! :)

There’s an email we get every morning:  it’s called the Generous Wife (I know Kurt has mentioned the Generous Husband on his posts).  They are a couple who write daily about how to make relationships work better with the opposite sex. 

Sometimes I read them, sometimes I don’t.  But usually when I do, I find gems.  I’ve decided to post one of her latest posts.  It’s simple, but it’s encouraging and something Kurt and I try to do – be intentional with our marriage by checking in with each other.  We actually did this yesterday!  J  It really does help the rest of the week run better and then we schedule in the things that really count! 

My husband and I try to check in with each other fairly frequently over events, appointments, and such. Aside from the gift of fewer conflicts, it’s just nice to communicate and be on the same page.

Why not schedule a regular time to connect with your husband and talk through your week. Perhaps at the breakfast table or at a local coffee house on Sunday afternoon. Your week will run smoother, you’ll know how to pray for each other, and you’ll get in a little couple time too.  :)

"The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."  Stephen Covey

Drive-by love: making parenting and a love life work

As the amount of children in our house increased, we hit a point a number of years ago where we had

to choose between less sex or more drive-by sex.  The option that many seem to choose was to not to have as much.  My guess is that they didn't actually "choose" this option directly.  They simply fall into it because their sex life was a matter of mood and opportunity anyway.  And if there's one thing parenting does, it's that it squashes mood and dwindles opportunity.

We had long ago decided that our love life could not be left up to those two things.  This led us to scheduling it.  Each week on Saturday or Sunday we get out our planners and talk through our week together.  This includes all sorts of everyday plans, but also includes when we're going to make love.

Scheduling sex some weeks is more complicated than others, but we make it a priority to plan for it.  We've also had to plan for the real-deal and drive-by.  Our percentage of drive-by (otherwise known as the Quickie) is, unfortunately, higher than our real-deal time, but we see it as a way to keep us connected and satisfied in this season of our life, even though we both ultimately prefer more quality lovemaking time.

Someday, as our kids grow up, we dream of time when we can have a higher real-deal percentage than drive-by, but for now, we make it work and choose to love each other anyway.  In fact, those drive-bys help us stay flirty, bonded, and appreciative, and when it comes down to it: it makes us better parents too.

Remembering what you learned

It's funny, we had some friends over the other night and they asked about the marriage conference we

went to in the summer.  Kurt and I looked at each other and said "It was AMAZING!" 

And as we tried to tell them why it was so amazing, we...remembered a couple of things...but oh my goodness...It was like we had forgotten most of the material we had previously said was so life-changing. 

And that was just a couple of months ago!  So, as I pull out my journal with all my notes from the conference, I'm reminded of how easily things slip my mind and I have to go back and refresh my mind and my heart of the key pieces that were so encouraging and helped me make more sense of me and my man!  

So, a question for all of us is this: do we remember the things that at one point made such an impact on our marriage?  Is it maybe time to recall those?  Maybe it's time to write them down or find those old notes and put them in a place we can see them regularly.

Get Playful!

Playful.

It's a word we associate with:

pets

kids

parenting

romance

But let's be honest, we don't usually put the following two words together:

playful + marriage

Usually, age, responsibility, and low energy wipe it out of our system.

What if that were different?

I recently heard a woman share that she writes on her calendar "Get playful!"  It puts her in a mindset to be spirited.  Imagine how differently our days would be if we had that attitude towards our friends, kids, and especially our spouses!

And, because this is Sexy Saturday of course, imagine what "Get playful!" would do for your sex life!

Certainly, we all could use some more playfulness in the bed instead of being utilitarian, but what about being playfully sexy with our spouse throughout the day?  Fun touches, eye winks, sexy texts, humorously suggestive sticky notes in the fridge, high fives after getting the kids down to sleep, 30-second dance break in the kitchen, jumping in the leaves you just raked, or whatever else you can come up with.

It's not about doing these things because they lead to making love.  But, chances are, they just might make that happen a bit more frequently!  The big idea, however, is to live in a spirit of enjoyment together.  Raise the

mood in the house, lighten the atmosphere, bring a sense of anticipation to your routine, let delightful laughter come again, and...get playful!

The woman makes or breaks a marriage?

I'm going out on a limb here.  Please don't shoot the messenger!

I want to explore what I heard discussed on a radio show recently:

More often than not, the woman in a relationship makes or breaks a marriage.

Let's assume it's true (but it might not be).  Why might this be?

First of all, this is not saying, "It's always a woman's fault."  It is saying, however, that women have tremendous relational power, while men are more easily swayed.

Men hunger from a very young age to make a woman happy.  It can be as simple as volunteering to carry something heavy for an elementary female teacher to working long hours so his wife can stay home.  A man's worth is tied up in his ability to see his woman smile and say thank you.  This is proven again in the bedroom.  A man is not satisfied to have sex with a passive wife.  He wants her engaged and pleasured because, while, yes, he does want it for himself, he also wants her to be happy.

When it comes to a relationship on the rocks...the woman's willingness to make it work is the ground floor.  It doesn't mean that's all it takes, but it carries more weight than the man's willingness to make it work.

If he still has a desire to make her happy, even if it's faint, he will need to know: is it possible?  Will she let me bring happiness to her?  Will she accept my attempts with gratitude, a smile, and maybe even forgiveness?  Or will he only receive coldheartedness?   Will he only get criticism when he tries to make amends or make a change?

Sadly, he may give up, when ironically he's giving the things his wife really wants, but she, not wanting him to feel like everything's okay now, doesn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I can hear the voices of hundreds of different people with all the varied details that come in relationships crying out, "This is too simple an explanation!"  Indeed, maybe it is.  I'd be happy to hear any feedback to see if my ideas are off base.

Thanks for considering with me!

6 Steps to Figuring Out What Your Marriage is all About

Years ago Beth and I read Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  It influenced us

a great deal.  One principle that we particularly loved was trying to create a personal mission statement.  Businesses have them to keep them focused on what their heart is.  It also communicates to others the core values of their company.

Covey’s idea was to do the same for your specific life.  Recently, our church did a series on “The Wholehearted Family” and suggested doing something similar.  Then I thought, why not create a mission statement for your marriage?

Spinning off of the sheet we got from our church, here is how it could work: 

1. Get intentional.

Plan a time maybe your next date night, vacation, getaway, or morning that you can spend together to talk this through. 

2. Pray

Ask for wisdom for this process.

3. Figure Out What’s Important

Here are some good questions to ask each other:

What kind of marriage partners do we want to be?

What is the purpose of our marriage?

How do we want to treat each other?

How do we want to resolve our differences?

How can we both support each other in our respective goals?

What kind of parents do we want to be?

What principles do we want to teach our children to help them prepare for adulthood and lead responsible, caring lives?

What roles will each of us have?

How can we best relate to each other’s families?

What traditions do we bring with us from the families in which we were raised?

What traditions do we want to keep and create?

Are there things from our family histories that we want to change?

When others look at our marriage, what do we want them to say?

Make a list of core values

Based on your answers to some of the questions, come up with a list of central concepts that really captures your hearts.

Make a list of phrases that inspire both of you

Think bible verses, movie quotes, song lyrics or catchy phrases that mean a lot to you. 

4. Synthesize the Information

Narrow down your list to 5-7 of the most important ideas and then write them in a way that resonates with you and your spouse.

It can be a list, a paragraph, a sentence, or a collage.

5. Display It

Write it up.  Put it on the fridge and/or frame it and put in on a wall where you’ll see it regularly.

6. Use It

When you have big decisions to make as a couple, go back to it and ask how it will influence your choice.