The Queen's Code: Those Unreliable Hormones...

For those of you joining us for the first time, we are discussing key ideas about intimacy discussed in the book the Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong.

Are you ready?  Ok, here we go!  :)  (I love that we're doing this together!!). Here's the next quote from Ch. 5 which I thought was super insightful!  

“What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to. That is usually fine in the beginning ( of a relationship) when sexual tension is high. The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle. But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exists is like trying to line up the moon and the stars. Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women.”

She added assertively, “I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies’ cyclical and circumstantial hormones.”

Ok, let's chat about this.  When you get married, intimacy is usually 100% on the radar for each spouse.  It's exciting, new, fun...etc.  Which is I think what Alison is saying about sexual tension being high.  But like all things in life, even really wonderful things, eventually the newness, the wonder...etc.  wears off.  And I think this actually is good and naturally just happens, as more comfort and, well, reality settles in.  But as we get used to each other and our new rhythms, sex can become a bit more mundane or less of a priority for us women as well.  

Before we got married, I remember thinking that physical intimacy would be just like the movies portrayed....spontaneous and just so sexy and fun.  Hmmmm....now after being married for 17 years, I've come to realize, not so much!  Now, it can be some of those things, but, if I'm honest, not as much as I had initially hoped!  So, when Kurt and I sadly realized quite early on in our marriage that we had to figure this out and plan when intimacy was going to happen, I thought all the romance was taken out of this supposedly super romantic experience.  Again, I think that's what Alison is underscoring above in her thoughts about everything - the moon and stars aligning just perfectly- in order for both spouses to be in the mood and fully engaged to have sex.  It almost never happens!  

So, if we can't leave it to our hormones to make it happen (I'm definitely referring to us as women here- as we know most of our men have no problem here!  Lol) what are we to do?  I mentioned it above, but for us, we have to make it happen!  Yep!  That meant planning for intimacy!  Yes, we literally wrote on the calendar (using code words, of course!) when we were going to "hang out" and therefore make each other a priority!  I used to think "Boy, what a bummer that we can't be all spontaneous and such!" but now I've just come to realize this is what works best for us.  So, maybe the key is:  be intentional with your spouse about what works best for the two of you.  Talk about it and then figure out how to make it happen.  Maybe you can have the best of both worlds....a spontaneous intimacy time?!  Who knows?  Maybe that could be your flavor?  But don't give up if something just doesn't work....keep on trying and eventually you'll figure it out. And hopefully, you'll have lots of fun trying!   ;).