Happiness is...a moral obligation.

Happiness.  We all want it, but along the way it's easy to lose hope.  In fact, sometimes others tell us that it's just selfishness anyway.  Heck, we say that to ourselves too!

I believe pursuing your own happiness is...a moral obligation.  That's fancy for "you must do it."  I didn't believe this until I started hearing the perspective of the guy in this 5 minute video.  Check it out.

Marriage Cliches: "Getting Hitched"

Another marriage cliche is "Getting hitched."

It even spawned a great Will Smith movie called Hitch! (Great date night flick by the way)

Do you know what a hitch is?

A hitch is an attachment used to allow a vehicle to tow something.

Do you even wonder if you're still hitched?  Do you ever wonder if you're still going in the same direction...together?

I remember when Beth and I were dating seriously and thoughts of our futures became an issue.  Would our dreams for the future work together?  It caused some serious soul-searching because we wanted to live a meaningful life together and didn't want to pull the other away from where they saw God moving them.

As we have been married now for over 17 years we can see how we have to had to figure out how to keep meshing our visions as our lives, energies, and aspirations have changed.  Beth built a photography business at one point.  I pursued playwriting for a number of years.  We jumped into homeschooling.  We also combined creative juices to form For Real Wedding Films.  In each case we either worked together or one of us had to make sacrifices to support the other.

At times we differed on where we were headed, but we used patience, prayer, and a lot of talking to try to make the ultimate decisions together.

We know we love each other, but we also want to keep facing life and pursuing the future together.

When I meet a couple who seem to be living separate lives, it makes me thankful that we've tried to avoid that outcome and have kept "hitched."

Marriage cliches: "Love is Blind"

Do you ever look at your spouse, remembering how mesmerized you were by her, and say to
yourself, "Shoot, I married a human"?

Ok, probably not in those words.

The cliche goes like this: "Love is blind."  In the early stages it really is.  It really can't help itself.  Time and experience are limited at that point and all that you see is possibilities.

After you marry, you can't stay blind because, well, she's a l w a y s there.  Now there are weaknesses and quirks to deal with too.  Love ain't blind no more.  Your eyes are wide open and you got a real human on your hands.

This is where it gets tough.  What do you do with the reality before you?

I'll tell you what I do: I remind myself what a privilege it is to know someone so deeply, warts and all.  No one else gets this chance.  Only I have the opportunity to know and love this woman in my life.  She turned aside all the other men on the globe and gave her life to me.  I want to cherish, love, nature, and laugh with her.  I want to make her, well, happy.

I also do this: I remember when I was single and it was so crazy to think that I could have woman that was all my own.  It was like a fantasy!  And now...I've got one!  This woman is my woman!  She digs me!  I get to not only live life with her, but I get to kiss her and hold her and, you know!

This is not to forget that some of you have spouses that have serious issues.  Can you help her get the help she needs?  Will you be willing to go to counseling with her?  Will you be up for finding a counselor or doctor for her to visit?  Will you be willing to listen to her, even if it's painful?

These are tough, no doubt, and sometimes all you can do is pray.

But whatever the issues, train your heart in gratitude and remember the honor it is to be her man.

"I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too"

I asked a group of male high school students: What is one thing you wish girls knew about guys?

A guy's response: "I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too sometimes."

Men tend to compartmentalize naturally.  Without much effort, they put aside the argument they had with their wife that morning and can switch to focusing on work or even the football game.

To many women this seems to reinforce the idea that men are not emotional.

In all reality, we have many emotions, maybe even as many as a woman.  But, we want our woman to know: We don't hide them intentionally (if we're healthy).  We hide them because we are designed to be hunters and protectors.  In order to slay those dragons to protect our woman and family, we leave our feelings behind a lot.

On one hand, we would be so blessed if our woman would honor us by recognizing that we often make emotional sacrifices so that we can take care of them.

But we also want a safe place to share those emotions, though each man needs his wife to learn the way to bring them out.  Please know it won't work the way women do it.  We may need to be asked at the right time, often after we have had space to unwind or get distracted, before we can tap into our feelings.  Or we may need to experience safety from her by having her full attention, or seeing her honor our feelings and not dismiss, interrupt, or criticize them.  For some relationships this may take time if the opposite has been true.

Men and women deal with their emotions in different ways, and a little understanding can help us find a way to honor those differences.

"If you're good with kids you become so much more attractive."

I asked a group of female high school students: What is one thing you wish guys knew about girls?

One response: "If you're good with kids you become so much more attractive."

This is something that confused me for so long.  From a guy's perspective a girl is attractive to him by looking good.  Cute heels, a nice outfit, bouncy hair, whatever.  It's not all about physical stuff, but it's a lot!

As a guy, I understood this very well, but it confused me that it didn't work in reverse for my wife.  She, of course, is attracted to physical things too, but it's importance is so low on the list.  Even writing it makes me realize just how different of a species women are from men!

Attractiveness for women, on the other hands, seems to arise from things that I would not deem directly sexual or even directly romantic (as I see it anyway).

One of these means is what this teen wrote above: being good with kids.  I have seen this weird phenomenon in my own life that when I'm playing with our kids or having fun with them, this somehow translates to "hot" to her.

So, gentlemen, let's remember that being "Daddy" also translates, for your woman, to being her "Lover."

What we can learn from teens about male/female differences

I'm a high school teacher by day and occasionally teach a speech course.  A year ago I decided to add a unit on the difference in communication styles between men and women.

One of my introductory activities is to have students respond anonymously to this prompt on a note

card: To Girls: What is one thing you wish men know about women?  And To Guys: What is one thing you wish women knew about men?

I thought it would be interesting to reflect on some of the replies.

Answer 1 (from a girl): "We think most guys are jerks because that's how we see most guys act."

There's 2 sides to this one.

In defense of men:
As a book said: men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti.  Men compartmentalize their lives, unlike women where all things are interrelated.  Since men find it natural to be able to put one thing in life aside to focus on another, this can easily make it appear that they are insensitive.  Women, generally, do not 'put things aside' in the same sense.

The ability to focus and shut other things out becomes very helpful at times, whether responding to an emergency or being able to recognize what is more important in a situation over other competing issues.

Therefore, women may need to see that "jerkiness", when expressed as not being emotional, is actually a great quality that helps relationships.

In defense of women:
Many men, because they can set their feelings aside to focus elsewhere, don't realize that women aren't designed to do this.  So, when a man treats his wife like he would treat another guy and ignores deeper issues, he may indeed be hurting her.  This is where we men must learn to be sensitive, sympathetic, and understanding even when our insights cry out for us to fix, push, or joke.

So, gentlemen, let's take a look at our own perceived "jerkiness" and make we're balancing our focus and our sensitivity.

Looking at your calendar together is SOO romantic! :)

There’s an email we get every morning:  it’s called the Generous Wife (I know Kurt has mentioned the Generous Husband on his posts).  They are a couple who write daily about how to make relationships work better with the opposite sex. 

Sometimes I read them, sometimes I don’t.  But usually when I do, I find gems.  I’ve decided to post one of her latest posts.  It’s simple, but it’s encouraging and something Kurt and I try to do – be intentional with our marriage by checking in with each other.  We actually did this yesterday!  J  It really does help the rest of the week run better and then we schedule in the things that really count! 

My husband and I try to check in with each other fairly frequently over events, appointments, and such. Aside from the gift of fewer conflicts, it’s just nice to communicate and be on the same page.

Why not schedule a regular time to connect with your husband and talk through your week. Perhaps at the breakfast table or at a local coffee house on Sunday afternoon. Your week will run smoother, you’ll know how to pray for each other, and you’ll get in a little couple time too.  :)

"The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."  Stephen Covey

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

We danced to "Spinning Like a Wheel" by Susan Ashton.

What? You've never heard of it?!

It's no surprise.  Honestly, we didn't have an "our song," so when the DJ asked, we had to come up with something.  Beth had a CD by a lesser-known artist named Susan Ashton and liked it so we picked a song on that album.  I don't think I'd ever heard it before!

I thought it would be interesting to go back to our wedding song to see if it matches up with us now.

Spinning like a wheel, round and round I go over you
Too good to be real, how you're moving me.
I'm lost in a whirlwind, so this is how it feels
Spinning like a wheel so in love with you.



Back then, I hated it when people cracked on "young love."  I still do now, but I get where it comes from.  See, I'm not spinning anymore.

There are two reasons couples don't spin anymore.  One is because hurts, annoyances, and humdrum have accumulated enough that "young love" looks naive and, quite honestly, stupid.  "They'll become just like us," these cynics think, "and all that mush will go away."

But there's another, alternative reason not to spin that doesn't mean something has gone away.  In fact, it doesn't mean that being "in love" has gone away either.

The writer C.S. Lewis once wrote that a pilot is thrilled when flying for the first time, but after more flying, that excitement wears off.  But, if that pilot continues to fly they will then learn flying tricks and maneuvers they once never believed they would achieve.  Lewis compared this to the growth of love as it moves out of early thrill and moves into greater depth.

For many of of us, being "in love" is the presence of romantic and affectionate feelings.  Beth and I are still "in love," but not because we have maintained the "spinning" nature of our dating and first years of marriage.  I would argue that this is not a state to maintain, but to build from and mature.  Through date nights, kind words, sweet notes, flirting, love making, jokes, getaways, and more, we not only keep the flame alive, but continue to put new wood on the fire.

But what makes this better than spinning is that our "in love-ness" is now combined with long, meaningful, sometimes difficult discussions, having gone through pain together, learning to raise children, facing loss at each other's sides, helping clean up each other's short comings, and entering into each other's spiritual and emotional hopes and dreams.

So, no, we're not "spinning"; instead, we are "soaring," facing the rushing wind with our hands clasped together (and a giggle :).

Work, Work, Work and our Anniversary

This is what it took for us to get a date out on our anniversary:

-asking our parents if they could watch the kids.
-checking our calendars together weeks in advance.
-planning for our girls to stay overnight.
-getting their pajamas and clothes for the next day.
-taking them all over to Beth's parents.
-checking that they had diapers and wipes.
-making sure that they had food for breakfast.

There's probably more in there, but those are a few.  My point is: it takes work.  We know so many couples that opt to not do the work.

But when Beth and I were able to wake up after sleeping in and then go out to a great place for a breakfast anniversary date, it was all worth it.

The principle we've gained is: the things that are most valuable in life require work.

How to keep your woman's heart in your court

Guys, want to keep your woman wanting to impress you?  Do you want to keep her from looking to other guys for what she wants?  Check out this short 2 minute video:

I (name) take you (name) for the most part...as long as you're not crabby

Imagine if these were the vows you took on your wedding day:

I, (name), take you (name), for the most part, to be my (wife/husband/roommate/theguywhotakesouthtegarbage/theladythatcooksdinner), 

to have and to hold, when I feel like it, from this day forward, but a lot fewer days as the years drag on, 

for better or for worse, but don't expect much during the 'worse' part, 

for richer, though we're not going to have a lot of talk time because I'll be working so much to make us rich, for poorer, but don't expect sex while we're poorer, 

in sickness and in health, as long as you're not crabby, 

to love, or like-isn't that enough?, 

and to cherish (your paycheck); 

from this day forward until death do us part; Oh, God, let it come soon because I'm going to get tired of this guy/girl.

Hopefully, that is as laughable to read as it was for me to write.  No one vows that.  Who the heck is longing for a lukewarm marriage?  

No one, right?

But are the seeds of lukewarm already planted or even growing in your marriage?  

What will you do today to change the direction your marriage is heading?

I know.  I don't know your marriage, the struggles you have, your spouse who won't do anything to help, or the hurts you've experienced.  You're right.

But I do know that at one point in your life, you dreamed about a life-giving love, and I want to encourage you to not let that dream slip away.  Maybe it already has.  But is there something, by the grace of God, that you can do to chase that dream again?  

Remembering what you learned

It's funny, we had some friends over the other night and they asked about the marriage conference we

went to in the summer.  Kurt and I looked at each other and said "It was AMAZING!" 

And as we tried to tell them why it was so amazing, we...remembered a couple of things...but oh my goodness...It was like we had forgotten most of the material we had previously said was so life-changing. 

And that was just a couple of months ago!  So, as I pull out my journal with all my notes from the conference, I'm reminded of how easily things slip my mind and I have to go back and refresh my mind and my heart of the key pieces that were so encouraging and helped me make more sense of me and my man!  

So, a question for all of us is this: do we remember the things that at one point made such an impact on our marriage?  Is it maybe time to recall those?  Maybe it's time to write them down or find those old notes and put them in a place we can see them regularly.

A victory of communication over assumption!

It was a late night.

We got the kids down late

We were cooking late.

The kitchen was a disaster.

We had to get up early to visit an out-of-town friend.

Bad news...but we had a victory.

Usually, in this situation here's what would have happened: After the kids were down, I would have wanted to clean the kitchen by myself, but wouldn't have said so.  You see, if I did, I figured Beth would have not accepted my idea, mainly because she would feel bad leaving it all to me.

But we've been working on telling each other what we really need.  I explained that I wouldn't mind cleaning up the kitchen on my own because I could listen to a podcast (which I love to do) and I would enjoy the non-people time (I'm an introvert).  I also told her that I know she would be her best self tomorrow if she got more sleep (I can live off less than her).

And hallelujah!  Beth happily believed me and we both got what we needed: for Beth, a clean kitchen and more sleep; for me, time to myself and some good political podcast listening time.

It has taken us a long time to get here, but it's sooo good.  Give it a try.  What do you really need that would help you be your best self?  What does your spouse need to be her best self?  Ask each other, tell each other, and make it happen.

Can I do something meaningful about Paris?

Like most I have felt the undulating emotions of shock, horror, disgust, and sadness while reading article after article about what happened in Paris.

The feelings beg a response, but what?

Painting my Facebook profile with French colors seems meaningful, but honestly, what does it do?

The words of a man, Wayne Jacobsen, who I respect a great deal, gave me a way to respond to such tragedy and to feel that I too can do something about this.  Here is what he said:

We can grieve for the people in Paris. We can pray for God’s intervention in these desperate circumstances and for the wisdom of global leaders to deal with all the chaos in our world. 

But it will help to realize that our media overwhelms us with storylines that invite our emotional responses to situations we cannot influence. And that can be crippling. We grieve for people we don’t know fear circumstances we can’t control. I don’t know how to comfort the people in Paris, or to end Islamic fundamentalist aggression in the world. 

But I do know how to love the people around me today. 

I know people going through painful circumstances and grief of their own and can comfort them. I know those who treat me with disdain and betrayal and what it means to love them is very clear. We can’t really love “the world” in any meaningful way. It’s too abstract and generalized at a macro level to make any difference, but is richly powerful in the immediate circumstances of our own life. 

Is that why Jesus asked us to, “love one another,” not to love the crowds or the whole world? 

Love is applied in the singular, not the plural. If you want to be the change in the world, get your eyes off of circumstances you don’t control and on to those people and circumstances right around you where your loving can make a difference. 

If you grieve for the people in Paris and feel powerless to help, think of someone you know going

through deep grief or challenge and find a way to encourage them today.  Instead of living in fear or frustration of ISIS, find someone who has done you wrong and ask Jesus if there is a way to love him or her today that will begin to reverse the cycle of evil that only adds pain to pain.

We overcome evil in the world not by fussing and fretting, but by loving someone in front of us.  Every act of generosity and kindness brings light into the world.  Every time you comfort a broken heart, offer kindness to a stranger, or make time for someone who is lonely you pour a bit more of the kingdom in the world.

Wherever our fear gives way to love in the immediacy of our own circumstances, the world changes a little and the power of wickedness is broken. Find someone to love, encourage, or bless today and you will have been part of something significant.  You can leave the bigger things in Father’s hands, who is well up to the challenge. 

And let me add this: Start by loving those closest to you.  Start with your husband.  Start with your wife.  Don't you wish you could bring life and love to those hurt or those now gone in Paris?  Me too.  But, that spouse of yours is gratefully still next to you in bed or in the next room or is coming home after work.  Bless him.  Bless her.  In that way, we can keep stoking the fires of love not only in our marriages, but in our children, our friends, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our world.

A few evil people can do a great deal of harm, but it takes a great many good people doing good things to bring a great deal of love to the world.