Remembering what you learned

It's funny, we had some friends over the other night and they asked about the marriage conference we

went to in the summer.  Kurt and I looked at each other and said "It was AMAZING!" 

And as we tried to tell them why it was so amazing, we...remembered a couple of things...but oh my goodness...It was like we had forgotten most of the material we had previously said was so life-changing. 

And that was just a couple of months ago!  So, as I pull out my journal with all my notes from the conference, I'm reminded of how easily things slip my mind and I have to go back and refresh my mind and my heart of the key pieces that were so encouraging and helped me make more sense of me and my man!  

So, a question for all of us is this: do we remember the things that at one point made such an impact on our marriage?  Is it maybe time to recall those?  Maybe it's time to write them down or find those old notes and put them in a place we can see them regularly.

"I want her to initiate"

This is a post from The Generous Husband.  He put it so well, I just thought I'd paste it here.

How long were you married before you figured out sex was different for your wife than it was for

you? Not just different, radically different.

I could go on and on about this, but there’s one massive difference I want you to understand. 

For the vast majority of men sexual desire is spontaneous. A thought, something we see, or just the fact it’s been 23 hours is all it takes for us to want sex. 

For women sexual desire isn’t usually spontaneous. A few women are like men most or all the time. Others experience spontaneous arousal on occasion; primarily as a result of ovulation. Spontaneous desire is the exception for women, not the norm.

Is this because women are broken? No, it’s how God wired them. 

The good news is women can become aroused, which leads to desire. This is difficult for men to understand as it seems backwards. We go after sex because we are aroused; she gets aroused when sexual contact happens. 

Unfortunately, many women have bought into the male model; they think they should experience spontaneous arousal, and they see their failure to do so as an indication something is wrong. The only thing wrong is they’re trying to put male sexuality into a female brain and body. This leads to significant problems and frustration for both husband and wife.

The other part of this is most men want their wife to act as if they experience spontaneous sex desire. 

“I want her to initiate” is something I hear all the time. On the surface, this is fine, but what most men mean is, “I want her to get all horny and come after me.” If she doesn’t get all horny without sexual contact, how can she ever do what you want? It’s asking her to express something she can’t feel.

If you and your wife can both accept this difference, things will get much better. If she knows she can become aroused and enjoy sex she can say yes even if she’s not feeling desire. Beyond this, she will learn sex can be wonderful pretty much any time, and she might initiate it because she likes how it progresses. If you can accept her initiating in this way, it’s a win/win.

Bottom Line: You married a woman, and her sexuality is female. Expecting her to function like a man is neither loving nor likely to end well.

A victory of communication over assumption!

It was a late night.

We got the kids down late

We were cooking late.

The kitchen was a disaster.

We had to get up early to visit an out-of-town friend.

Bad news...but we had a victory.

Usually, in this situation here's what would have happened: After the kids were down, I would have wanted to clean the kitchen by myself, but wouldn't have said so.  You see, if I did, I figured Beth would have not accepted my idea, mainly because she would feel bad leaving it all to me.

But we've been working on telling each other what we really need.  I explained that I wouldn't mind cleaning up the kitchen on my own because I could listen to a podcast (which I love to do) and I would enjoy the non-people time (I'm an introvert).  I also told her that I know she would be her best self tomorrow if she got more sleep (I can live off less than her).

And hallelujah!  Beth happily believed me and we both got what we needed: for Beth, a clean kitchen and more sleep; for me, time to myself and some good political podcast listening time.

It has taken us a long time to get here, but it's sooo good.  Give it a try.  What do you really need that would help you be your best self?  What does your spouse need to be her best self?  Ask each other, tell each other, and make it happen.

Fifty-shades of sexiness

I've never read the book or seen the movie.

I know.  Major disappointment.

But I have noticed over these many years of marriage that "doing it" can often look different each time.

You see, there's "just doin' it."

Then, there's "DOIN' IT!"

And, there's "d o o o i n'  i t."

There's even "DOIN'...is that one of the kids at the door?...Shhh...(quietly) doin' it."

This use to bother me to no end.  I had in mind this serious, sensual mood that I thought it should always be.  Maybe I got that from the movies or something.  So, when Beth would be in a goofy mood or take a really long time to get focused (I didn't understand the inherent womanness of this for a long time!) or whatever, I felt betrayed.  That's a big word, but I seriously felt like that!

Over the years, I discovered that each of the shades of sex that we experience are all good because they're part of the journey that Beth and I share in life.  Once I let go of the supposed "way it ought to be' I was able to have fun with 'the way it is' and realize that there are truly many, many shades of sexiness.

Can I do something meaningful about Paris?

Like most I have felt the undulating emotions of shock, horror, disgust, and sadness while reading article after article about what happened in Paris.

The feelings beg a response, but what?

Painting my Facebook profile with French colors seems meaningful, but honestly, what does it do?

The words of a man, Wayne Jacobsen, who I respect a great deal, gave me a way to respond to such tragedy and to feel that I too can do something about this.  Here is what he said:

We can grieve for the people in Paris. We can pray for God’s intervention in these desperate circumstances and for the wisdom of global leaders to deal with all the chaos in our world. 

But it will help to realize that our media overwhelms us with storylines that invite our emotional responses to situations we cannot influence. And that can be crippling. We grieve for people we don’t know fear circumstances we can’t control. I don’t know how to comfort the people in Paris, or to end Islamic fundamentalist aggression in the world. 

But I do know how to love the people around me today. 

I know people going through painful circumstances and grief of their own and can comfort them. I know those who treat me with disdain and betrayal and what it means to love them is very clear. We can’t really love “the world” in any meaningful way. It’s too abstract and generalized at a macro level to make any difference, but is richly powerful in the immediate circumstances of our own life. 

Is that why Jesus asked us to, “love one another,” not to love the crowds or the whole world? 

Love is applied in the singular, not the plural. If you want to be the change in the world, get your eyes off of circumstances you don’t control and on to those people and circumstances right around you where your loving can make a difference. 

If you grieve for the people in Paris and feel powerless to help, think of someone you know going

through deep grief or challenge and find a way to encourage them today.  Instead of living in fear or frustration of ISIS, find someone who has done you wrong and ask Jesus if there is a way to love him or her today that will begin to reverse the cycle of evil that only adds pain to pain.

We overcome evil in the world not by fussing and fretting, but by loving someone in front of us.  Every act of generosity and kindness brings light into the world.  Every time you comfort a broken heart, offer kindness to a stranger, or make time for someone who is lonely you pour a bit more of the kingdom in the world.

Wherever our fear gives way to love in the immediacy of our own circumstances, the world changes a little and the power of wickedness is broken. Find someone to love, encourage, or bless today and you will have been part of something significant.  You can leave the bigger things in Father’s hands, who is well up to the challenge. 

And let me add this: Start by loving those closest to you.  Start with your husband.  Start with your wife.  Don't you wish you could bring life and love to those hurt or those now gone in Paris?  Me too.  But, that spouse of yours is gratefully still next to you in bed or in the next room or is coming home after work.  Bless him.  Bless her.  In that way, we can keep stoking the fires of love not only in our marriages, but in our children, our friends, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our world.

A few evil people can do a great deal of harm, but it takes a great many good people doing good things to bring a great deal of love to the world.  

Are you a good kisser?

You probably think I'm going to help you answer the title, don't you?  Sorry!

Here's the story behind the title:

So...my wife and I had our very first kiss in a very public way: our wedding day.

I know, you think we're really strange.  Well, we were, but we're not offended!  Beth and I had both done our share of making out with previous boyfriends and girlfriends, but by the time we met, we had committed to going slow physically with our next significant other.

As a teacher, I often share the story of how Beth and I met.  It's a way for students to distract me in class.  Whenever the kissing part of our story comes up, there's nearly always a students who asks: "But what if you found out she was a bad kisser?!!"

Of course, I explain that there are a few more important items on what makes or breaks a marriage, but I also explain that kissing, like all things physical simply gets better with time and experience.  Thankfully, marriage provides both of these.

So, here's the question: how are you doing physically in your spouse's opinion?  Does your wife like how and when you kiss or how and when you touch her?  Does your husband like the way you touch and kiss him?

This seems very risky to ask.  It is.  I admit, it took Beth and I a long time before we could discuss these things without feeling offended when a suggestion was offered, but I'm so glad we have!  Beth has given me invaluable information about specifically when somethings feel good to her.  I had no idea that doing the same thing at a different time is the difference between annoying and a turn-on!

The key here is: make it low pressure, loving, encouraging, and positive.  Sandwich a suggestion with several positives.  Also, make sure you both get to share what you need, need differently, or just don't like.  That way you're in it together.

It's a challenge, but improving your love life is worth it.

An idea for a little variety in bed

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Halloween: From Stressed to Blessed

Everything seemed to be going wonderfully, as we prepared for our simple Halloween dinner with

our family and friends, until I remembered....shoot.....the pumpkins.  We had forgotten to finish carving the pumpkins.

This was just the beginning of a stress filled Halloween that took a very surprising turn later on.

So, Kurt and a few of our girls carved into the pumpkins.

So, on to dinner... our girls really wanted to get out more on time for trick or treating, but as much as we tried to start dinner on time, to no avail.  6 pm rolls around and we're still all at the table.

I'm starting to feel the squeeze.

Then everyone is off to put on their costumes.  But we forget about small details like wearing layers, so everyone is warm enough.  So, making sure every girl is well dressed, matching with their costumes....yikes!  I felt that stress creeping up.  And all we're trying to do is to simply get out the door!

Then, as I try to get myself quickly ready, I feel this headache coming on.  Seriously?!  Ok, take two Advil for the road, let's do this....and I prayed I wouldn't be grumpy!

Ok, attitude check!

So, we finally get out the door, then there's the picture!  Group picture!  Everyone huddles up as Kurt quickly puts the finished carved pumpkins out with the candles!

Quick admiration for the pumpkins and then off!  That Halloween rush always seems to be ghoulishly present.  I say to myself, “next year, this will be different!” (We'll see!  lol!)

Finally, we are off and here's where we are TOTALLY caught off guard!

First of all, it was so much fun (and so helpful!) to have our friend Alecia along for the fun.  

And then came our neighbors.

Our neighbors lavishly give candy and sweet gifts to our girls.  I don't just mean handfuls of candy, but Chris actually sewed these cute little Halloween bags for the girls and filled them with all kinds of fun treats.  Michelle, another neighbor, also got them each a bag filled with glow sticks and super-fun and spooky Halloween stuff.

Seriously?!

Then another family had these fun Halloween cups and filled them up with special girly treats like lip-gloss and nail polish all wrapped up in a cute bag.  And…yes, another family made cute candy bags for our kids and the let us see their fish and hold their hamsters while we all chatted.

And last, but not least, there was Sandy and Marlene's house.  Sandy is 49 years old with developmental disabilities and every year she dresses up and has a "Haunted Bedroom".  We stand in line and she gives us a ticket, after which we enter into the spooky bedroom with scary music, lights and all.

At each of these neighbors’ houses we lingered and chatted.  Some of them invited us in, and we just hung out, sitting on the floor, eating candy and doing the Halloween thing.

What’s the point of all this?  Well, see our neighbors didn’t do this for every kid on the street.  They did it just for our kids.  All of this reminded us of the blessing of community.  We don’t live in an age that encourages this.  We’re all so stuck on our devices to talk to neighbors, right?! 

But here we saw the sweetness of mutual enjoyment of the simple pleasures of friendship.  It takes effort on both sides, but this is one of the great pleasures of life.