"I want her to initiate"

This is a post from The Generous Husband.  He put it so well, I just thought I'd paste it here.

How long were you married before you figured out sex was different for your wife than it was for

you? Not just different, radically different.

I could go on and on about this, but there’s one massive difference I want you to understand. 

For the vast majority of men sexual desire is spontaneous. A thought, something we see, or just the fact it’s been 23 hours is all it takes for us to want sex. 

For women sexual desire isn’t usually spontaneous. A few women are like men most or all the time. Others experience spontaneous arousal on occasion; primarily as a result of ovulation. Spontaneous desire is the exception for women, not the norm.

Is this because women are broken? No, it’s how God wired them. 

The good news is women can become aroused, which leads to desire. This is difficult for men to understand as it seems backwards. We go after sex because we are aroused; she gets aroused when sexual contact happens. 

Unfortunately, many women have bought into the male model; they think they should experience spontaneous arousal, and they see their failure to do so as an indication something is wrong. The only thing wrong is they’re trying to put male sexuality into a female brain and body. This leads to significant problems and frustration for both husband and wife.

The other part of this is most men want their wife to act as if they experience spontaneous sex desire. 

“I want her to initiate” is something I hear all the time. On the surface, this is fine, but what most men mean is, “I want her to get all horny and come after me.” If she doesn’t get all horny without sexual contact, how can she ever do what you want? It’s asking her to express something she can’t feel.

If you and your wife can both accept this difference, things will get much better. If she knows she can become aroused and enjoy sex she can say yes even if she’s not feeling desire. Beyond this, she will learn sex can be wonderful pretty much any time, and she might initiate it because she likes how it progresses. If you can accept her initiating in this way, it’s a win/win.

Bottom Line: You married a woman, and her sexuality is female. Expecting her to function like a man is neither loving nor likely to end well.