Love Needs Laughs

I remember talking to a couple not too long ago that admitted they just didn't have much fun together anymore.

Big deal...right?

Why should anyone be laughing when there are bills, house payments, debt, school decisions, parenting problems, aging parents, and a host of other things hanging over our heads?

Apparently, there are some very, very good reasons to be laughing. I'm thankful that Beth and I laugh together a lot, but like any couple, we can lose sight of the joy of each other from time to time.

After watching this video, I decided to step up the goofiness in our house a notch, not just because it's fun but because, well, it's one of the fuels of romance.

We need a date night!...on vacation!!

We need a date night...on vacation.

Recently we took a delightful vacation with my parents and our kids.  We had a ball swimming at the hotel pool, going out to eat, visiting a castle (yes, a castle in Ohio!), and riding rides at Kings Island amusement park.

Honestly, it was a wonderful trip, but Beth and I kept running into a problem: we missed each other.  But we're on vacation!  How could that be? 

As amazing as family time is with the kids when you're away from home, it's also fraught with lots of challenges: making decisions about how to spend your time, putting out fires between siblings, going to bed late, little ones who sneak into your bed in the middle of the night, and so on. 

The question is: how do you stay connected as a couple in the midst of all of that?  I can't say we succeeded in our case.  Instead, it was a situation to learn from.  Here's a few of my ideas:

• make a point to get to bed a little earlier so we can have time to talk or do something fun together.
• if grandparents are along, ask them to hang with the kids, even for just a short while, so we can go for a walk or out to eat.
• get some quality "shower" time together (if making it in the bed ain't gonna happen with the kids in the next room)
• get up a little earlier to get some time together
• institute a daily rest time for the whole family for napping, reading, or quiet playing so the two of you can get a little reprieve.  

We've got one more vacation coming this summer so we'll see if we can take our own advice!

Wife gets backlash for her desire to look good for her husband

If you want to be controversial about relationships today, just say something with common sense.  That's what blogger Amanda Lauren did when she wrote the following article about making a commitment to look good for her husband.  While it was surprising to hear someone include that commitment in their marriage vows, I found her approach in her post quite reasonable, understanding, and wise!  However, she got so much backlash that it warranted a Yahoo.com article about all the negative press she got!

Well, to credit her, and to share her wisdom (at a young age I might add), I have posted her article below.  You can see the original here, as well as the comments, some of which may require a bath afterwards to clean off from your memory.

Staying Hot for My Husband is ESSENTIAL to a Successful Marriage

by Amanda Lauren 

They say "Happy wife, happy life," but I'm happiest when my husband is happy.

My husband and I probably have a more traditional marriage than most millennials. If I'm there when my husband gets home from work, I love to make him his favorite cocktail (it's kind of Mad Men, but it works for us). Sunday is my night to cook dinner. But one of the most important things I do to make him happy is to be the woman of both his fantasies and reality.

When we were married a few weeks ago in front of our families, friends and a Rabbi, I vowed to stay hot for my husband.

Before you label me anti-feminist or old-fashioned, please understand that when I look good I feel more confident in myself. Feeling good ultimately allows me to be a better, happier and more considerate partner.

I see the look on my husband's face when I come out of the bathroom, ready for a night out, or the way he checks out my butt on the way to Pilates class. Having an attractive wife makes him happy. They say "Happy wife, happy life," but I'm happiest when my husband is happy.

According to April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert and author, it's incredibly important for women to maintain their looks. She says, "There's no question about it: men are visual — at all ages — and they want you to look attractive, and they want their friends to be jealous."

If men can't help but be visual creatures, I need to oblige. And while I'm not sure if his friends are jealous so to say, they do acknowledge he has a hot wife.

While I'm aware you can't deny the inevitable process of aging, both Masini and I agree that being young and being attractive aren't mutually exclusive.

"You can find beauty in convention or you can find beauty in creation. People age and the way they look in a bikini changes. But the way they conduct themselves, carry themselves and comport themselves can create a sizzle hotter than a thong," she says. It's all about working with what you have.

Some of the most attractive women in Hollywood aren't in their 20s. Take Julianne Moore, for example. She's 55 and one of the prettiest women on the planet. I actually think she looks better as she ages. Helen Mirren is 70 years old and still pretty hot.

If you've watched Grace and Frankie, you've seen how great Jane Fonda looks. The woman is nearly 80 years old! And it's not just actresses. Gloria Steinem, of all women, is also 80 and in better shape than many women a quarter of her age.

I've always wondered why so many women let themselves go in relationships. When I was single, I spent so much time and energy trying to look pretty. While it's now nice to know I can go to the supermarket and gym without makeup, when I accompany my husband somewhere, it's a different story.

I know that when you get married — and especially when you have kids — your priorities change and you only have so much time for yourself. Plus, not every woman looks like Kim Kardashian when she gets out of bed in the morning (myself included), but we can all try to look our best.

It's not even about having a face full of makeup, frizzless hair, or meeting society's standards — it's about meeting your own. Masini sees looking good and feeling good as a cycle: "You become what you are (and you are what you become), so the more you work at looking hot, the hotter you'll feel."

Frankly, even if you don't have a partner, we all feel better when we look good. Making ourselves look better on the outside can affect how we feel on the inside.

The decline of your physical appearance can also reflect your relationship. You stop caring. According to Masini, "You let yourself go, it's not just about what you look like on the outside — you've let the sizzle fizzle and the spark cool."

Everyone knows what they need to do to make their partner happy. If you're attentive to your partner's wants and needs, then they will be attentive to yours. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and while I personally can't vacuum and apply eyeliner at the same time, my husband understands why a $400 iRobot Roomba does more than just vacuum.

It's impossible to meet every single one of your partner's needs all of the time, but if you stop trying then you aren't holding up your end of the relationship. And all of that starts to trickle down to the one thing every relationship needs, which is sex.

While sex can't make a marriage, it can break it. Having that physical, intimate connection is very important. Sex should be mutually enjoyable for both parties. You should want to have sex with your partner. And if my husband wasn't turned on by me, we couldn't have that essential intimacy.

So while my vow to stay hot seems superficial, it really isn't.

All relationships require work, and working on myself is doing the work I need to do for the sake of my relationship. Even if I'm running 15 minutes behind on date night because my hair isn't straightening, my husband can't complain if he's swooning over me.

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

What song did you dance to at your wedding?

We danced to "Spinning Like a Wheel" by Susan Ashton.

What? You've never heard of it?!

It's no surprise.  Honestly, we didn't have an "our song," so when the DJ asked, we had to come up with something.  Beth had a CD by a lesser-known artist named Susan Ashton and liked it so we picked a song on that album.  I don't think I'd ever heard it before!

I thought it would be interesting to go back to our wedding song to see if it matches up with us now.

Spinning like a wheel, round and round I go over you
Too good to be real, how you're moving me.
I'm lost in a whirlwind, so this is how it feels
Spinning like a wheel so in love with you.



Back then, I hated it when people cracked on "young love."  I still do now, but I get where it comes from.  See, I'm not spinning anymore.

There are two reasons couples don't spin anymore.  One is because hurts, annoyances, and humdrum have accumulated enough that "young love" looks naive and, quite honestly, stupid.  "They'll become just like us," these cynics think, "and all that mush will go away."

But there's another, alternative reason not to spin that doesn't mean something has gone away.  In fact, it doesn't mean that being "in love" has gone away either.

The writer C.S. Lewis once wrote that a pilot is thrilled when flying for the first time, but after more flying, that excitement wears off.  But, if that pilot continues to fly they will then learn flying tricks and maneuvers they once never believed they would achieve.  Lewis compared this to the growth of love as it moves out of early thrill and moves into greater depth.

For many of of us, being "in love" is the presence of romantic and affectionate feelings.  Beth and I are still "in love," but not because we have maintained the "spinning" nature of our dating and first years of marriage.  I would argue that this is not a state to maintain, but to build from and mature.  Through date nights, kind words, sweet notes, flirting, love making, jokes, getaways, and more, we not only keep the flame alive, but continue to put new wood on the fire.

But what makes this better than spinning is that our "in love-ness" is now combined with long, meaningful, sometimes difficult discussions, having gone through pain together, learning to raise children, facing loss at each other's sides, helping clean up each other's short comings, and entering into each other's spiritual and emotional hopes and dreams.

So, no, we're not "spinning"; instead, we are "soaring," facing the rushing wind with our hands clasped together (and a giggle :).

I (name) take you (name) for the most part...as long as you're not crabby

Imagine if these were the vows you took on your wedding day:

I, (name), take you (name), for the most part, to be my (wife/husband/roommate/theguywhotakesouthtegarbage/theladythatcooksdinner), 

to have and to hold, when I feel like it, from this day forward, but a lot fewer days as the years drag on, 

for better or for worse, but don't expect much during the 'worse' part, 

for richer, though we're not going to have a lot of talk time because I'll be working so much to make us rich, for poorer, but don't expect sex while we're poorer, 

in sickness and in health, as long as you're not crabby, 

to love, or like-isn't that enough?, 

and to cherish (your paycheck); 

from this day forward until death do us part; Oh, God, let it come soon because I'm going to get tired of this guy/girl.

Hopefully, that is as laughable to read as it was for me to write.  No one vows that.  Who the heck is longing for a lukewarm marriage?  

No one, right?

But are the seeds of lukewarm already planted or even growing in your marriage?  

What will you do today to change the direction your marriage is heading?

I know.  I don't know your marriage, the struggles you have, your spouse who won't do anything to help, or the hurts you've experienced.  You're right.

But I do know that at one point in your life, you dreamed about a life-giving love, and I want to encourage you to not let that dream slip away.  Maybe it already has.  But is there something, by the grace of God, that you can do to chase that dream again?