Are you a people-pleaser married to an angry person?
Maybe your spouse isn’t an “angry person” but you feel their
disapproval when you resist them.
In our case, Beth, by nature, is more of a go-getter. Early in our marriage I would acquiesce to
her almost all the time because I was afraid.
I deceived myself by saying I was being loving. Doesn’t love do what others want?
Wrong. Lie.
For me to love, I must first love me.
I’m not talking self-absorption or narcissism.
Instead, I mean I must know what is mine-what lies within my
boundaries (at topic we introduced here).
Once I am fully in charge of what belongs to me, then I can
decide when I lend it out.
Here’s a few things Cloud and Townsend teach about anger in
their book Boundaries. (For those not
comfortable with calling it anger, you could substitute the word “pressure.”)
“[Anger] cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow
it. Staying separate from another’s
anger is vitally important.”
“Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you
need to do.”
“Make sure your support group will be available to you right
after the confrontation.”
“Do not allow the angry person to get you angry.”
“Just reiterate what you will do and not do, and let them be
angry. Tell them that you care for
them;
maybe ask if you can do anything else to help.
But your no still stands.”
The connection between all of these is to recognize your
spouse’s anger as something outside of you.
It is your husband’s or wife’s responsibility, not yours. In other words, it is not inside your
boundary. Assess what is being
communicated underneath their anger and do what you need to do to rationally decide
if and how you need to respond.
For those of us who are people-pleasers this will feel mean,
but Cloud and Townsend point out, “Many times you will feel mean when you were
not.” It is just you keeping boundaries.
This all takes a lot of practice and support, but your
marriage and you are worth that effort.
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