Til Death Do Us Part: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, part 3

Intro from my previous posts on this book: Here and here.

Bronnie Ware worked for many years in hospice and end-of-life care work.  She walked numerous people through their last days.  During those years, as she sat and talked with men and women in their twilight days, she found a few recurring regrets and shared those in her book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

The book is worth the read so my little summary barely scratches the surface.  However, over the next few weeks, I hope to share the five regrets and see how they relate to marriage.

Regret #3:

I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

Isn't it funny that many of us enter marriage with the desire to be fully known and share our deepest selves with each other, but then find ourselves closing up over time?

Bronnie Ware found this regret often in those whose days were short.  Why hadn't they said the important things they wanted to say?  Why had they chosen to be silent all those years?

Take stock today.
What have you longed to tell your spouse?
What have you been holding back from your spouse?
What has been brimming into your chest so long, but has never found its way out?
What have you wanted to say but felt silly?
What is a part of your inner life that you wish you could share with the one you love?

We all know these things are not as simple as they seem, and sometimes we have wise reasons for not expressing our feelings.

But is there something of value in your heart that is really being held back for reasons that have little weight?  Is it time to avoid the regret and have the courage to express your feelings this day?

Sweet strawberries and the value of puttering

Strawberry picking.

It sounds...well....lovely, doesn't it?  Who doesn't love to eat those sweet little red berries, all yummy

and warmed by the summer sun.

Lovely....that is until we have to start picking them....ourselves!  lol!

So, last month we did our annual trip to the strawberry patch.  This year we wised up as we wore boots.  It was so muddy last year, that all we heard was a lot of complaining about mud and being dirty! (Yes, we have all girls!)  

So, this year, it was just us girls.  Kurt was editing.  I had wondered to myself: was I a little off my rocker to attempt to pick strawberries with everyone, but esp. our youngest - affectionately called, "Celia, our silly pants", who is 19 months?  

But, we bravely plunged ahead.

I'd like to tell you that it was a sweet, lovely strawberry picking experience, where everyone was just thrilled to be there, but.....well....not so much.

But really, it wasn't the girls.

It was me. (sigh!)

I had a plan and I wanted to make it happen.

What was the mission?  To pick 2 full buckets of berries. (Visions of strawberry jam danced in my head)  

I had a vision of what I wanted and I was going to see it through.  Alas, the vision didn't materialize.

At the marriage conference we were at in LA last month, we learned about the value of puttering.  Puttering?  What was that I asked?  It sounded like wasting time on purpose.  Definitely not efficient.  Definitely not something I do...very often.  

But the more I learned about "wasting time," the more I realized I need it.  And it's actually the opposite of wasting time.  When we get time to "putter," we get reenergized to engage with others, focus more, and we get recharged to step in with the kids....etc.  

So, as I look back upon the strawberry picking experience, I realize that I needed to chill out and putter with my girls that day more in those sweet strawberry fields.  Maybe we might only get to one bucket instead of two, but having fun and enjoying the ride with them would be more fun and ultimately more memorable and sweeter - just like those amazing berries!

Try not to laugh: I dare you.

There is so much truth in this video and yet it's...hilarious.  Just try not to laugh.  I dare you.

Bradly & Lauren's Wedding Film Teaser 2

Just had to do one more!


Bradly and Lauren's Wedding Film Teaser 2 from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.
Produced by For Real Wedding Films
www.vimeo.com/channels/forrealweddingfilms

Music Provided by www.songfreedom.com

Relationship Advice from 1938 - Part 1

What advice was given to women who were dating in 1938?

The following is one of several panels giving them advice.  Since most of you reading this are married, I'll try to apply it to that.

It's easy to dismiss this stuff as trivial and old-fashioned.  It can also seem silly to apply to married folk since you live together.  

But here's where I see some wisdom: Dress for him and "greet him with a smile!"

Recently we met a couple and were doing marriage-talk.  The wife mentioned that back when her oldest was still a baby and she had stayed home all day with him, her mother stopped by and gave her some advice: "Put on some lipstick before your husband comes home."  

"What?  I've been home all day, taking care of the house, and nursing a baby.  Why should I put lipstick on?" she must have been thinking.

Our friend, though, recognized what her mother understood: looking good for your spouse is not something to discard once you "have" each other, or even when you are just tired.  

Also, just because you had a rough day or don't like your job, doesn't mean you should just smear your bad mood in your spouse's face.  Yes, you are supposed to be honest with each other, but start by greeting each other with joy, happiness, and love and then look for a time to vent or unload.

So, remember to keep attracting each other and keep greeting each other "with a smile!"

Sexy Saturdays: Moving past barriers to a healthy love life

Many people are surprised just how challenging it is to create a healthy sex life in marriage.  Both men and women have different issues that contribute to this.  In this post I wanted to quote from a fantastic blog called The Generous Wife where the author explains how she worked past some of the barriers in her own marriage.

OK, so I’m going to get a little personal here (just fair warning).

I started out with huge sexual issues when I married my guy (childhood sexual abuse, bad family messages about sex, acquaintance rape, a painful first marriage). Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better and I figured it would keep on that way. I was intentional about becoming healthy sexually and it was working.

Then a couple of years ago “something happened” and sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch. I’ve always wondered what exactly happened, but it wasn’t until the other night that I think I figured it out.

My husband and I were talking about “tipping points” (where you reach a point of critical mass and push over into something new (and hopefully better) and I went “ah-ha!” In my head I saw a set of scales. On one side were all the sex-negative things and on the other side where all the sex-positive things. At first the negative side was clanking on the counter because of all the mess in my life. But over the years I added sex-positive things and worked very hard to dismiss and push off all those sex-negative things. At some point the positive outweighed the negative and the scales tipped! All this time I’ve been looking for that one thing that was responsible for the change, when it was the cumulative effect of a number of changes that finally tipped the scale.

My point in sharing this with you is that tipping points happen and you can build a happy, healthy sexual life if you will work at it. Actually you could do that with any area of your marriage or your life, but I wanted to speak specifically to sexuality because so many women struggle with sex in marriage.

I made a point of changing what I believed, what I thought and what I did.  Over time that made a difference. I think that is why I harp on reading books and blogs, because they will help you challenge what you believe and give you ideas to try. At first it’s hard work and it feels unnatural, but over time you can rework your belief system and change your habits. You can take sex-negative things out of your life, add sex-positive things and tip those scales.

Are Phones Killing your Affection? 12 things to fight it.

An artist by the name of Luke Jerram was sitting in a laundromat when he was struck by the silence.

No one talked to each other.  Then and there he came up with an idea: put a piano in public places to get people to talk to each other.

So, he did it.  In fact, he did it with over 1300 pianos in cities all over the globe!

A philanthropist who funded the project stated, "I wanted to see people get together.  I wanted people to connect with one another.  I wanted people to talk to one another instead of playing with all these mechanical things that they have."

"These mechanical things" can make couples feel like the people at laundromats too.  We love each other, right?  We couldn't wait to get married and connect any time of day or night, right?

So, how did some of us get to the point where technology keeps us connected to so many people and things, but not each other?

If this describes your situation, consider trying out Jerram's conversation piece approach.  Are there things you could put out in your house or apartment to get you the two of you talking?

What are some things that, if left on the kitchen table, night stand, or coffee table, would get you to interact?

1. A board game?

2. A card game?
3. Your wedding album?
4. A photo book?
5. Lingerie? :)
6. A travel site on an iPad?
7. A couple's devotion book?
8. A children's book?
9. A keepsake?
10. A rock you saved from a trip?
11. An old birthday card?
12. An old yearbook?

Any number of things could give you a little something to connect with, laugh about, read, or reminisce over.

Give it a try and fight the power of "these mechanical things"!

 

Bradly and Lauren's Wedding Film Teaser

Lauren and Bradly told us, a week before their wedding, that "the simple things in life make us happy."  Here is a little wedding film teaser of just how beautiful the simple things can be.

Blueberry Pickin'!

So once a year, we do blueberries!  

Our goal as a family is to pick as many blueberries as we can before one of our kids melt down and makes it almost impossible to keep picking!

  

This year it was a huge success: We lasted almost an hour! (I prolonged our stay by giving everyone the biggest suckers we have - our beloved tootsie roll pops. :)

So, we picked almost 30 lbs.  

What in the world do we with all those berries?  

Well, besides snacking on bowls of them late last night, we freeze most of them.  And then I try and use them sparingly throughout the rest of the year.  Try is the key word here.  It's the best when warm, fresh blueberry muffins come out of the oven in the dead of winter.  Or popping out those delcious, little blue guys with our maple syrup on otherwise boring oatmeal.

So, yes...we went picking!  Every year it seems to be more fun!  Our older girls actually are helpful and the younger ones...well...they try!  It has become a family tradition that we all actually look forward to.  

So, if you're looking for something to do this summer that could bring a little healthy blueberry love the rest of the year, check out your local blueberry farm.  

Blueberry Pickin' from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Here's the link to Martin's Blueberries, where we go.  

The Sweetness of Hospitality

A few nights ago, we had invited some people over to chat up married life stuff.  We love to do that kind of thing and well...that's what we do!  

I admitted to Kurt that I was kinda tired at the end of the week - didn't really want to go to the store, make dinner, clean the house, and so on.  I wondered if maybe instead of hosting, we could go out for dinner instead.

Kurt's response:  "Ummmm.....ok!! Sure, babe!" (Secretly, I think he was doing jumping jacks out of

happiness)  lol!  :)

So, as it turns out two of the couples couldn't make it, so it ended up just being us and one other couple.

Here's the best part.  

When I called and talked to the wife and suggested going out, she instead graciously offered her place and her delicious cooking.

"WOW!! Really?! I don't want you to be stressed at all," I said.

"Nope, I got this!  We'd love to have you over here,"  she responded.

Me:  Are you sure?!  Well....ummmmmmm......ok!  (and I was secretly doing jumping jacks now too!)

Wow, what a blessing! To be able to receive such gracious hospitality was such a gift to us.  We enjoyed the evening that much more.  

So, if you have been doing a lot of giving to others, be crazy and try something (even ask-eek!) where you can just take a back seat.

Or, if you have been on the receiving end of a lot of other people's hospitality, consider flipping it for fun and invite them to come and enjoy some time at your place.

Chris & Hope's Wedding Film!

Chris and Hope's wedding mixed the beauty of tradition and uniqueness.  It was our first wedding of this summer with the ceremony inside a church, Messiah Lutheran.  Several of the most powerful moments of the day happened there as we saw both of their sets of parents worshipping with passionate hearts and contented smiles.  Our favorites, though, were catching Chris looking heavenward and Hope, eyes closed in prayer, and basking in the pleasure of God's love.  The best part is to have actually caught this on camera too!

Then the uniqueness began as we celebrated their reception at The Fuller House at Bay Arts.  Moved from its original location by barge on Lake Erie in 1984, this historical home has been converted to the most unique ceremony location we have seen this year.  It was adorned with so many little details, chalk signs, nooks and crannies, and twinkly lights!

The miracle of the day was the fact that it rained-and I mean rained-all morning.  The forecast said to expect that rain straight through to the reception.  Well, low and behold, shortly before the arrival of Chris and Hope at the church, it tapered off.  We were able to film them outside at Huntington Beach and in a lovely wildflower field with nary a drop!  

Here are the delightful vendors we had the privilege to work with:

Photography: Full Bloom Photography

DJ: Classic DJ Entertainment: Tom Geiser

Florist: Zelek Flow Shop, Inc.

Reception: The Fuller House

Chris & Hope's Wedding Film teaser from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

8 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men

If you could survey husbands about what they wish someone could tell their wives about male sexual nature, what do you think the men would say?

Dr. Archibald Hart, a retired senior professor of psychology and dean emeritus, a licensed psychologist, and author of 33 books found out the answer to this question.

In his book The Sexual Man, Hart states, “here are some of the most common messages I’ve been asked by frustrated husbands to communicate to their wives.

1.       I’m not abnormal

2.       I can’t help it if I come on strong sexually

3.       If I inadvertently look at another woman, it doesn’t mean I desire her over you.

4.       Once in a while I would like you to initiate lovemaking

5.       I like a bit of novelty now and then, and I wish you understood that.

6.       I don’t want our kids to spoil our sexual life.

7.       Sometimes it’s not sex I’m wanting, just time together….Husbands fear that their wives are avoiding [any] intimacy because they assume it will lead to sex.

8.       I like to talk about our sex.  Why don’t you?”

Friday List Days: Boundaries

Do you say yes more than no to other people’s demands?

Do you get resentful of all the things you do for others?

Are you good at hiding resentment with a happy face?

Do you often feel guilty if you let others down?

Do you feel like a victim?

Do you find yourself smiling when inwardly you are angry…but feel selfish that you are angry?

Are you overstressed or overtired because you’re trying to meet other’s expectations or needs?

If you relate to these it’s likely that you are a people-pleaser. 

Welcome to the club!  I was one for a very long time.  And while I still tend toward being accommodating, I have come a long way in asserting myself.

A seminal book on the subject is simply named Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. 

The beginning principle is this: We are responsible for us and what is in our boundaries.  We cannot control what belongs in other people’s boundaries, nor is anyone else allowed to control what is in our boundaries. 

The following are ours and no one else’s:

Feelings

Attitudes and Beliefs

Behaviors

Choices

Values

Limits

Talents

Thoughts

Desires

Love

No one can make us do anything.  But for those of us who are people-pleasers that seems so untrue! 

The authors state, “Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.”

Fear.  Because of fear we open our borders and let people trespass on our property. 

I’ll try to explore that some more soon.

Brad and Lauren's Photos

This past Saturday we had the honor of filming the wedding of Brad and Lauren.  They were such a sweet couple!  We spent a lot of great time capturing Lauren and her bridesmaids getting ready.  They were so welcoming-even offering us a chance to partake in some much-appreciated Subway sandwiches!

Below are just a few photos from our amazing photography partners at Imagine It Photography.  Stephanie and John do amazing work.  For more photos of Brad and Lauren's wedding, click here.

Beth and I have our creative juices flowing as we continue to create Brad and Lauren's wedding film. We're really liking it!  We'll keep you posted on the progress.

Intimate Frustration

Figuring things out can be fun and well...super frustrating.

Here's a video of Celia, our youngest, trying to figure out how to make this toy car work for the first time!  She really has no idea!  lol!  :)

Here's something that is also super frustrating to a lot of young couples: Physical intimacy!

Yikes!

No one really talks about it, right!  In a helpful way, at least.

So, after our post about it last week, it was the most reached blog in months (minus wedding videos)....why?

Well, I think it's because it's super hard, confusing, and takes a lot of work to figure out...and again,
NO ONE really talks about it!  But secretly, I think, everyone, wants to figure it out!!  :)

So, this reminded us of the difficulty of intimacy.  When we first get married, we might have read a book or two, or got some advice from a good friend, but for the most part, we really don't have a clue as to how it all works.  I mean, we know how "it's supposed" to work, but to making it work - yikes, this is a huge learning curve!

H - U - G - E!!

 And for many of us, myself included, the beginning was really, really hard.  Like Celia with the toy car, we're pushing buttons, but have no idea what they do or how they work.  We are often just spinning our wheels, hoping that something might "make that car go"!  ;)   And the crazy part is that we think it should all work just magically and not only that, we should love the journey!?!

What?!

Here's what one dear friend & reader shared the other day:

I have said so often that there are a lot of things I wish someone had told me before we got married. I think for women raised in the church it's especially challenging because we are taught to stay pure for so long and then one day sex is not only allowed but expected. And this thing that you have been anticipating for years and expect to go perfectly just doesn't. And things don't always work right at first. I remember crying myself to sleep on our wedding night because I felt like a total failure and like I was the only one who couldn't figure everything out because no one talks about it after they get married!

So, if this is you....or if you can relate at all, (I was here a long time....longer than I had hoped!) I want to encourage you, not to give up.

Your spouse is worth it.

You are worth it.

Work together and find help in books, people, blogs, counselors, and trustworthy friends and family.  Believe it or not, you're more normal than you think!