Drive-by love: making parenting and a love life work

As the amount of children in our house increased, we hit a point a number of years ago where we had

to choose between less sex or more drive-by sex.  The option that many seem to choose was to not to have as much.  My guess is that they didn't actually "choose" this option directly.  They simply fall into it because their sex life was a matter of mood and opportunity anyway.  And if there's one thing parenting does, it's that it squashes mood and dwindles opportunity.

We had long ago decided that our love life could not be left up to those two things.  This led us to scheduling it.  Each week on Saturday or Sunday we get out our planners and talk through our week together.  This includes all sorts of everyday plans, but also includes when we're going to make love.

Scheduling sex some weeks is more complicated than others, but we make it a priority to plan for it.  We've also had to plan for the real-deal and drive-by.  Our percentage of drive-by (otherwise known as the Quickie) is, unfortunately, higher than our real-deal time, but we see it as a way to keep us connected and satisfied in this season of our life, even though we both ultimately prefer more quality lovemaking time.

Someday, as our kids grow up, we dream of time when we can have a higher real-deal percentage than drive-by, but for now, we make it work and choose to love each other anyway.  In fact, those drive-bys help us stay flirty, bonded, and appreciative, and when it comes down to it: it makes us better parents too.

Work, Work, Work and our Anniversary

This is what it took for us to get a date out on our anniversary:

-asking our parents if they could watch the kids.
-checking our calendars together weeks in advance.
-planning for our girls to stay overnight.
-getting their pajamas and clothes for the next day.
-taking them all over to Beth's parents.
-checking that they had diapers and wipes.
-making sure that they had food for breakfast.

There's probably more in there, but those are a few.  My point is: it takes work.  We know so many couples that opt to not do the work.

But when Beth and I were able to wake up after sleeping in and then go out to a great place for a breakfast anniversary date, it was all worth it.

The principle we've gained is: the things that are most valuable in life require work.

Give the gift of words in your bedroom

We're constantly telling our kids to "use your words"  and "tell us what you want" instead of trying to imply their wants through whining, crying, or pouting.

The same is true for adults in the bedroom.

How many times have you thought things like this:

I love when she does that.  I wish she would do it again.
I wish she would wear something different when we make love.
I wish he would start touching there instead of there.
I love that!  Oh, don't stop.  Why did she stop?
I love his cologne.  Why doesn't he wear it when we have sex?

We think so many things, but like our kids, we hope our spouse will just 'get it.'  Try to give your spouse the gift of words: Tell her, tell him what you'd really like.

You might be wondering: how is that a gift when I'm asking for something I want for me?

This is how love works: when we know how to bring satisfaction and pleasure to someone, we love to do it.  The frustration comes when we're trying to give love but it doesn't seem to be working.

So, share what you want and, this is crucial, explain what it provides for you.  Tell how what you're asking for would make you feel or how it would motivate you.

For example: When you wear lingerie it makes me feel like a man and that you desire me.
   or    When you light candles it makes me feel more romantic and less inhibited.

This is a gift that you give to the both of you.  Give it a try.

How to keep your woman's heart in your court

Guys, want to keep your woman wanting to impress you?  Do you want to keep her from looking to other guys for what she wants?  Check out this short 2 minute video:

I (name) take you (name) for the most part...as long as you're not crabby

Imagine if these were the vows you took on your wedding day:

I, (name), take you (name), for the most part, to be my (wife/husband/roommate/theguywhotakesouthtegarbage/theladythatcooksdinner), 

to have and to hold, when I feel like it, from this day forward, but a lot fewer days as the years drag on, 

for better or for worse, but don't expect much during the 'worse' part, 

for richer, though we're not going to have a lot of talk time because I'll be working so much to make us rich, for poorer, but don't expect sex while we're poorer, 

in sickness and in health, as long as you're not crabby, 

to love, or like-isn't that enough?, 

and to cherish (your paycheck); 

from this day forward until death do us part; Oh, God, let it come soon because I'm going to get tired of this guy/girl.

Hopefully, that is as laughable to read as it was for me to write.  No one vows that.  Who the heck is longing for a lukewarm marriage?  

No one, right?

But are the seeds of lukewarm already planted or even growing in your marriage?  

What will you do today to change the direction your marriage is heading?

I know.  I don't know your marriage, the struggles you have, your spouse who won't do anything to help, or the hurts you've experienced.  You're right.

But I do know that at one point in your life, you dreamed about a life-giving love, and I want to encourage you to not let that dream slip away.  Maybe it already has.  But is there something, by the grace of God, that you can do to chase that dream again?  

7 things that a 'welcome home' kiss says to a man

In 1913 Blanch Ebbutt published her book Don'ts For Wives.  In it she remarks, "Don't omit the kiss
of greeting.  It cheers a man when he is tired to feel his wife is glad to see him home."

This may not seem like proverbial rocket science, but I can tell you from experience, that split second kiss can make allllll the difference.

Now, truth be told, it can't be the hard-lipped peck, but nor does it have to be a lengthy french kiss (though I wouldn't turn that one down!).  It just has to be soft, like you're melting into me, even if for just a second.

That kiss:
1. transports me from work, where I must perform, to home, where I can find peace
2. communicates that a woman, my woman, loves me.
3. switches me from worker bee mode, to lover, husband, dad mode
4. fuels my masculinity and builds testosterone
5. injects me with shots of confidence
6. makes bothersome troubles that plague my mind seem a lot less important.
7. tells me, "You are desirable."

Remembering what you learned

It's funny, we had some friends over the other night and they asked about the marriage conference we

went to in the summer.  Kurt and I looked at each other and said "It was AMAZING!" 

And as we tried to tell them why it was so amazing, we...remembered a couple of things...but oh my goodness...It was like we had forgotten most of the material we had previously said was so life-changing. 

And that was just a couple of months ago!  So, as I pull out my journal with all my notes from the conference, I'm reminded of how easily things slip my mind and I have to go back and refresh my mind and my heart of the key pieces that were so encouraging and helped me make more sense of me and my man!  

So, a question for all of us is this: do we remember the things that at one point made such an impact on our marriage?  Is it maybe time to recall those?  Maybe it's time to write them down or find those old notes and put them in a place we can see them regularly.

"I want her to initiate"

This is a post from The Generous Husband.  He put it so well, I just thought I'd paste it here.

How long were you married before you figured out sex was different for your wife than it was for

you? Not just different, radically different.

I could go on and on about this, but there’s one massive difference I want you to understand. 

For the vast majority of men sexual desire is spontaneous. A thought, something we see, or just the fact it’s been 23 hours is all it takes for us to want sex. 

For women sexual desire isn’t usually spontaneous. A few women are like men most or all the time. Others experience spontaneous arousal on occasion; primarily as a result of ovulation. Spontaneous desire is the exception for women, not the norm.

Is this because women are broken? No, it’s how God wired them. 

The good news is women can become aroused, which leads to desire. This is difficult for men to understand as it seems backwards. We go after sex because we are aroused; she gets aroused when sexual contact happens. 

Unfortunately, many women have bought into the male model; they think they should experience spontaneous arousal, and they see their failure to do so as an indication something is wrong. The only thing wrong is they’re trying to put male sexuality into a female brain and body. This leads to significant problems and frustration for both husband and wife.

The other part of this is most men want their wife to act as if they experience spontaneous sex desire. 

“I want her to initiate” is something I hear all the time. On the surface, this is fine, but what most men mean is, “I want her to get all horny and come after me.” If she doesn’t get all horny without sexual contact, how can she ever do what you want? It’s asking her to express something she can’t feel.

If you and your wife can both accept this difference, things will get much better. If she knows she can become aroused and enjoy sex she can say yes even if she’s not feeling desire. Beyond this, she will learn sex can be wonderful pretty much any time, and she might initiate it because she likes how it progresses. If you can accept her initiating in this way, it’s a win/win.

Bottom Line: You married a woman, and her sexuality is female. Expecting her to function like a man is neither loving nor likely to end well.

A victory of communication over assumption!

It was a late night.

We got the kids down late

We were cooking late.

The kitchen was a disaster.

We had to get up early to visit an out-of-town friend.

Bad news...but we had a victory.

Usually, in this situation here's what would have happened: After the kids were down, I would have wanted to clean the kitchen by myself, but wouldn't have said so.  You see, if I did, I figured Beth would have not accepted my idea, mainly because she would feel bad leaving it all to me.

But we've been working on telling each other what we really need.  I explained that I wouldn't mind cleaning up the kitchen on my own because I could listen to a podcast (which I love to do) and I would enjoy the non-people time (I'm an introvert).  I also told her that I know she would be her best self tomorrow if she got more sleep (I can live off less than her).

And hallelujah!  Beth happily believed me and we both got what we needed: for Beth, a clean kitchen and more sleep; for me, time to myself and some good political podcast listening time.

It has taken us a long time to get here, but it's sooo good.  Give it a try.  What do you really need that would help you be your best self?  What does your spouse need to be her best self?  Ask each other, tell each other, and make it happen.

Fifty-shades of sexiness

I've never read the book or seen the movie.

I know.  Major disappointment.

But I have noticed over these many years of marriage that "doing it" can often look different each time.

You see, there's "just doin' it."

Then, there's "DOIN' IT!"

And, there's "d o o o i n'  i t."

There's even "DOIN'...is that one of the kids at the door?...Shhh...(quietly) doin' it."

This use to bother me to no end.  I had in mind this serious, sensual mood that I thought it should always be.  Maybe I got that from the movies or something.  So, when Beth would be in a goofy mood or take a really long time to get focused (I didn't understand the inherent womanness of this for a long time!) or whatever, I felt betrayed.  That's a big word, but I seriously felt like that!

Over the years, I discovered that each of the shades of sex that we experience are all good because they're part of the journey that Beth and I share in life.  Once I let go of the supposed "way it ought to be' I was able to have fun with 'the way it is' and realize that there are truly many, many shades of sexiness.

Can I do something meaningful about Paris?

Like most I have felt the undulating emotions of shock, horror, disgust, and sadness while reading article after article about what happened in Paris.

The feelings beg a response, but what?

Painting my Facebook profile with French colors seems meaningful, but honestly, what does it do?

The words of a man, Wayne Jacobsen, who I respect a great deal, gave me a way to respond to such tragedy and to feel that I too can do something about this.  Here is what he said:

We can grieve for the people in Paris. We can pray for God’s intervention in these desperate circumstances and for the wisdom of global leaders to deal with all the chaos in our world. 

But it will help to realize that our media overwhelms us with storylines that invite our emotional responses to situations we cannot influence. And that can be crippling. We grieve for people we don’t know fear circumstances we can’t control. I don’t know how to comfort the people in Paris, or to end Islamic fundamentalist aggression in the world. 

But I do know how to love the people around me today. 

I know people going through painful circumstances and grief of their own and can comfort them. I know those who treat me with disdain and betrayal and what it means to love them is very clear. We can’t really love “the world” in any meaningful way. It’s too abstract and generalized at a macro level to make any difference, but is richly powerful in the immediate circumstances of our own life. 

Is that why Jesus asked us to, “love one another,” not to love the crowds or the whole world? 

Love is applied in the singular, not the plural. If you want to be the change in the world, get your eyes off of circumstances you don’t control and on to those people and circumstances right around you where your loving can make a difference. 

If you grieve for the people in Paris and feel powerless to help, think of someone you know going

through deep grief or challenge and find a way to encourage them today.  Instead of living in fear or frustration of ISIS, find someone who has done you wrong and ask Jesus if there is a way to love him or her today that will begin to reverse the cycle of evil that only adds pain to pain.

We overcome evil in the world not by fussing and fretting, but by loving someone in front of us.  Every act of generosity and kindness brings light into the world.  Every time you comfort a broken heart, offer kindness to a stranger, or make time for someone who is lonely you pour a bit more of the kingdom in the world.

Wherever our fear gives way to love in the immediacy of our own circumstances, the world changes a little and the power of wickedness is broken. Find someone to love, encourage, or bless today and you will have been part of something significant.  You can leave the bigger things in Father’s hands, who is well up to the challenge. 

And let me add this: Start by loving those closest to you.  Start with your husband.  Start with your wife.  Don't you wish you could bring life and love to those hurt or those now gone in Paris?  Me too.  But, that spouse of yours is gratefully still next to you in bed or in the next room or is coming home after work.  Bless him.  Bless her.  In that way, we can keep stoking the fires of love not only in our marriages, but in our children, our friends, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our world.

A few evil people can do a great deal of harm, but it takes a great many good people doing good things to bring a great deal of love to the world.