Til Death Do Us Part: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying #2

Last week we started a series based on Bronnie Ware's book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departed.

The second most common regret Ware came across while caring for those in their twilight days was:

"I wish I hadn't worked so hard."

You've probably heard the cliché "No one on their deathbed wishes they had stayed longer at the office."  Clichés are there because there's a lot of truth to them. 

I once was the head of the theatre department at the school where I teach.  I was known as the drama guy.  I took a program that had floundered for a number of years and made it into one with a strong reputation and a lot of popularity.  Over the course of nearly a decade I directed mysteries, comedies, plays of Shakespeare's, and musicals. 

The trouble is: it kept me after work over and over again for months at a time.

Once we had our second daughter, I felt the tug of my Father: come home, Kurt.  There was a lot of notoriety and prestige that went with leading that program, but I don't miss it at all. 

I love that I get to come home to my wife and my kids each day.  I get to help Beth around the house.  I get to read with the kids at night.  I get to rest so I have energy to be happy for Beth. 

Again and again, Beth and I return to this choice as an object-lesson-showing us how worth it is when we choose "us" over work. 

As we have grown our video business the issue comes up again, but we endeavor, now with more wisdom, to use our time wisely so we can love our work, but still give it limits so it doesn't take away from that which is more important.

Are Women Bad Listeners?

Beth likes it when I call her from work each day just to chat for a minute.  And yet, when I do, there are precious seconds (I'm at work!) that go by when I'm just waiting because Beth is dealing with one of our kids or answering one of their questions. 

Other times we have gone out for a date and at a restaurant I am sharing something of importance when I notice Beth totally turn her head and observe something else.  Why is that?!

I used to be frustrated by this and feel uncared for, but then I learned what is in this video.  Alison Armstrong again hits a homerun explaining how women think in 3ish minutes. 

Men, this is sooo good. 

Women, it will help you understand yourself!

A Wedding in a Warehouse?

Looking for a unique location for a wedding?  Our partners at Imagine It Photography shot Liza and Josh's big day at the Ariel International Center.

According to the official website, "The Ariel International Center, is a historic 68,000 square foot building, located on 3 acres, overseeing the Lake and the Cleveland skyline."

Stephanie Uptmor at Imagine It said, "it is full of vintage details and has a rustic feel while still having killer views of downtown Cleveland!"

It's hard to believe that something as beautiful as this is inside of this old building (below) that all of us have seen while driving I-90!

Avatar, God, and Marriage

Ok, I'm going to get philosophical here.  Sorry.

Remember that Avatar movie with the blue people?  They would greet each other with this phrase:

"I see you."

That always stuck with me.

We "see" people all day long, but those that we know intimately are the people we truly s e e.

In reality, the essence of a person is invisible.  I can see the body of a stranger, but I cannot know them, unless they reveal that invisible part of themselves to me.

I once heard someone explain this as the reason for God's invisibility.  To know God, one must see the invisible-to tap into what God revealed about himself.  Otherwise we simply hold onto superstitious idols.

I love that I get to be one of the few to s e e my wife, to truly get inside the invisible Beth, the Beth that is truly Beth.  And, yet, I'm reminded that I have to learn continually how to gently give her safety to reveal her invisible side.

As you look at your marriage, have you built a place where it is safe for your spouse to reveal his/her true self?  And are you pursuing your spouse's invisible self?

Do you COW your spouse with HOW?

Andy Stanley, successful author, entrepreneur, and pastor, in discussing how to face challenges, said,

"Bold leaders refuse to be cowed by 'how.'"

Every idea can be beaten down by the question, "How?"  But every adventure, from imagining a personal computer to making an airplane, begins by initially ignoring this concern.  "How?" must be addressed at some point, but at the beginning it will crush the chance for a small seed to take root.

When your spouse has an idea that they are excited about, do you greet it with "How?"

It's easy to say, "I'm a realist."  That's fine, but are you crushing your spouse's ability to dream?

My wife is a dreamer.  She often comes up with grand ideas.  I used to lambast them with "How?" until they went away.  But then I realized two things:

1. That's not how she meets my dreams.  She was always willing to entertain my ideas with grace and enthusiasm.  Couldn't I give her the same?

2. I'm the one person in my wife's life with the chance to hear her deepest dreams--Don't blow it.  Will I stomp on that privilege or be her hero?

This is not about ignoring reality.  I often find that, if I greet my wife's ideas with openness and curiosity, she eventually determines for herself which dreams are over-the-top and which are worth fighting for.  I've also learned when the right time is for me to share my "Hows?"  Each spouse will be different on this.

So here's the challenge: Next time your spouse comes around with an idea, let them feel bold by not cowing it with "How?"

Get in the back seat, baby! Ouch!

I remember, as a junior high kid, hearing Billy Ocean singing, "Get out of my dreams.  Get into my

car.  Get in the back seat, baby" and thinking, "Why the back seat?"  I came to the conclusion that he loved her so much that he wanted to drive her around like chauffeur.  Seriously.  A classic case of ignorance.

We all bring ignorance into our marriage bed when we get married.  We may have been virgins on our wedding night or have been very sexually experienced, but we still enter being clueless about what a life-long love life will be like.

We have run into many, many couples, married under 10  years that acknowledge that sex is often difficult for various reasons, particularly for the wife.  We were among them as well at one time.

It's so frustrating isn't it?  We watch movies and they hop in back seats and have crazy, incredible sex and we hop into our nice comfy beds and find problems, awkwardness, and sometimes even pain.

Well, I want to give you good news.  According to an Indiana University study, the sexual satisfaction of wives starts out in marriage much lower than husbands.  However, it steadily increases for the next fifteen years, eventually catching up with their husband's satisfaction, and even outshining it by the 20 year mark.

In other words, the longer a woman is married, the better love making becomes.  As in everything, there are exceptions.  Still, let this encourage you if you're in the early end of things.

Before Beth and I married, I read this tiny little book that included letters a father wrote to his son to prepare him for marriage.  He called the chapter on sex "The 20 Year Round Up" and equated lovemaking to learning to play the violin.  When you first pick it up it is exciting and you learn a lot.  However, you quickly find how difficult it can be to truly play it well.  But the longer you stay at it, the more versatile you get and the more beautiful sound you create.

Remember that future.

Til Death Do Us Part: The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

Ok, I know this sounds like a morbid topic, but let me explain.

We all have special moments in life when the big picture seems more clear than at other times.  For many the end of life provides a unique time to reflect back on it all and ask, "Did I truly pursue the most worthy things in life."

Bronnie Ware worked for many years in hospice and end-of-life care work.  She walked numerous people through their last days.  During those years, as she sat and talked with men and women in their twilight days, she found a few recurring regrets and shared those in her book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

The book is worth the read so my little summary barely scratches the surface.  However, over the next few weeks, I hope to share the five regrets and see how they relate to marriage.

Regret #1:
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

Beth and I entered marriage with really good hearts: we wanted to be all that the other wanted.  That is really good...to a point. 

We found, over time, that the desire to please sometimes hides, sometimes intentionally and other times not, some realities about ourselves.  For example, I was not aware just how much of an introvert I really was for years.  But since Beth enjoyed people so much I willingly let our schedule fill up with activities that I found drained me and even at times pushed me to surliness.  We had to learn together how to accommodate my need for solitude.

Beth, in her desire to be a "good wife," often ignored her enjoyment of a creative outlet.  She threw herself into domestic needs, but didn't pursue some of the things she really enjoyed.  That's when I encouraged her to really go for it creatively.  She then started Beth Maechner Photography and we ran a successful portrait business for quite a few years before she decided it was time to go a different direction. 

So what would it look like if you were to live life more true to yourself?  How could your spouse help with this?

What would it look like for your spouse to live more true to him or herself?  What could you do to enable them to live it?

Worthy questions!