Get Playful!

Playful.

It's a word we associate with:

pets

kids

parenting

romance

But let's be honest, we don't usually put the following two words together:

playful + marriage

Usually, age, responsibility, and low energy wipe it out of our system.

What if that were different?

I recently heard a woman share that she writes on her calendar "Get playful!"  It puts her in a mindset to be spirited.  Imagine how differently our days would be if we had that attitude towards our friends, kids, and especially our spouses!

And, because this is Sexy Saturday of course, imagine what "Get playful!" would do for your sex life!

Certainly, we all could use some more playfulness in the bed instead of being utilitarian, but what about being playfully sexy with our spouse throughout the day?  Fun touches, eye winks, sexy texts, humorously suggestive sticky notes in the fridge, high fives after getting the kids down to sleep, 30-second dance break in the kitchen, jumping in the leaves you just raked, or whatever else you can come up with.

It's not about doing these things because they lead to making love.  But, chances are, they just might make that happen a bit more frequently!  The big idea, however, is to live in a spirit of enjoyment together.  Raise the

mood in the house, lighten the atmosphere, bring a sense of anticipation to your routine, let delightful laughter come again, and...get playful!

Simplicity and love in a cheap Target frame

So, here's one of those ideas that I don't know where we got it from, but I just love it and want to share.  It saves me much time and energy, plus money....yet, it's one of the most treasured gifts to my parents.

A couple of years ago, I bought these plastic frames from Target, I added the link below.  Nothing super special, except that they are a little bigger and have a fun place to hold extra pics/artwork...etc.  

One thing we did do however, was to get some fun colorful mats cut for them from a place like Pat Catan's.  So now these plain jane frames have zest and look happy!

But what I truly love about them is that every year, for my parents' birthdays, the girls draw something that they love and/or appreciate about their papa & nana and these go in the frame.  It's the same frames recycled each year, but it's the artwork that becomes a treasure and gets hung up to enjoy for the rest of the year.  

I didn't buy a thing, and yet I know that my parents truly delight in each one.  

Oo la la.....Feeling sexy for our men....

So, this past weekend, Kurt and I went clothes shopping!  It was just us, no kiddos, so it was leisurely

and just fun.

We went to Crocker Park.  It's just so cute and fun there and well...one of my favorite stores just opened up there and I wanted to check it out!

So, we did!  As I tried on some new clothes, Kurt loves to be a part of the sometimes laborious process!  But I really appreciate his feedback and what he finds cute....and well.....sexy!  

So, I tried these jeggings on, and oo la la!   They felt so comfy and were a tad practical with cute zipper pockets that actually work - lol!  and I felt totally cute in them!  

Kurt said, "Holy smokes!"

I knew we had struck gold!  :)

So, these pants have now become my favorite clothing possession!  But, I feel good in them and they make my man linger his gaze a little longer!  

So, just a thought... check in with your man to see if both you and he are on the same page of the cute-sexy factor.  

You can simply ask the question:  Babe, what do you find sexy?  What do you like that I wear?  Or what would you like to see me try to wear more often?

It might be a little surprising and maybe a little awkward...but if we want to grow in our honesty and communication, this could be a great place to do it!  

So, be crazy and try it on anyways or buy it online! Who knows, you might actually see that super sexy self in the mirror and love it, just like your man does! :)

The woman makes or breaks a marriage?

I'm going out on a limb here.  Please don't shoot the messenger!

I want to explore what I heard discussed on a radio show recently:

More often than not, the woman in a relationship makes or breaks a marriage.

Let's assume it's true (but it might not be).  Why might this be?

First of all, this is not saying, "It's always a woman's fault."  It is saying, however, that women have tremendous relational power, while men are more easily swayed.

Men hunger from a very young age to make a woman happy.  It can be as simple as volunteering to carry something heavy for an elementary female teacher to working long hours so his wife can stay home.  A man's worth is tied up in his ability to see his woman smile and say thank you.  This is proven again in the bedroom.  A man is not satisfied to have sex with a passive wife.  He wants her engaged and pleasured because, while, yes, he does want it for himself, he also wants her to be happy.

When it comes to a relationship on the rocks...the woman's willingness to make it work is the ground floor.  It doesn't mean that's all it takes, but it carries more weight than the man's willingness to make it work.

If he still has a desire to make her happy, even if it's faint, he will need to know: is it possible?  Will she let me bring happiness to her?  Will she accept my attempts with gratitude, a smile, and maybe even forgiveness?  Or will he only receive coldheartedness?   Will he only get criticism when he tries to make amends or make a change?

Sadly, he may give up, when ironically he's giving the things his wife really wants, but she, not wanting him to feel like everything's okay now, doesn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I can hear the voices of hundreds of different people with all the varied details that come in relationships crying out, "This is too simple an explanation!"  Indeed, maybe it is.  I'd be happy to hear any feedback to see if my ideas are off base.

Thanks for considering with me!

Sex...the 20 year roundup

Just the other day Beth and I were reflecting on all the seasons our sex life has been through.  Sex

"life".  Interesting phrases, isn't it?

But it does have it's own life, doesn't it?  And like life, it has seasons.  I'm tempted to use the cliche phrase "ups and downs," but season seems to reflect it better.

For us there was that initial 'Woohoo'! easy passion and exploration that came with the budding of our  marriage.  Then there was the difficult season when life stabilized into normality and the real world challenges of making a living, cleaning an apartment, and paying bills was mirrored by the real world challenges of finding out that we didn't always know what the other wanted in bed.  Physical pain and differing levels of desire easily shattered the rose-colored glasses of our youth.

Then there were books, conferences, and divinely orchestrated conversations that sparked changes in our sex life, usually beginning with really tough, but honest dialogue between Beth and me.

These were those hidden gates that led us deeper into a love life we never imagined.

Long ago, when we were engaged, I read a book by a man named Charlie Shedd about marriage.  The book consisted of letters he wrote to his engaged son.  I remember being a bit confused by a chapter called "Sex...the 20 year roundup."  In this chapter he related to process of his love life with his wife to learning to play the violin.  When you first pick it up and play it's so fun because you've never done so before.  But soon, exploration leads to frustration as you realize that you cannot get better easily.  In fact, you will need help and teaching.  But years later, you will realize how easily it flows in your hand, so easily that you can barely remember how clunky and awkward it once was.

For Charlie Shedd, he and his wife discovered that they were having the best sex of their lives after 20 years of marriage.

So, when you consider the season that your love life is, step back and see the big picture.  Choose to press into your spouse's heart and body and choose to look forward together, seeking help wherever you can.

It's the littlest things...

So, the other day we discovered that our lovely neighbor, Barbara was turning 88!  

Yes, 88 years old!

So, what do you do for an 88 year old?  

We did what anyone else would do....picked up pizza and ordered a cake from the local bakery!

In my desire to keep things more simple, I even opted out of making a salad, much to my husband's delight!  :)

So, as we clambored up Barbara's driveway with five kids in tow and my parents, we decided to sing to her as we walked in.

So, a bit off tune, we sang loudly, and Barbara, a quite sophisticated and composed 88 year old, genuinely shared with us that this might have been her best birthday party yet.  

Seriously?!

We couldn't believe she was so delighted in this small gesture to celebrate her...but I guess that's the point.  

It's the little things that can really matter!

A little idea!  Then a little follow through - and voila!  It happens!  And then, this huge blessing happens...for all that are there!  It's like the blessings multiply!

Truly, it was the best thing ever to bring so much joy to her!

So, with your man or your kiddos, or a friend or stranger alike....it's those little things, that can really bless others and you may or may not even know it!  :)

It shouldn't matter how I look...or is it a gift to give?

"My mother made herself attractive until the day she died at 90.  And I'm not talking about inner beauty.

She made herself physically beautiful each and every day for my father and he appreciated it."

This is what I heard a man say the other day.  The words that struck me were "for my father."

In all the all arguments about "looks shouldn't matter," we miss the reality: your appearance is a way to express love.  We tend to think love is primarily expressed through physical touch and romantic words, but there are many other ways.  For example, many men express their undying devotion to their wives by getting up and going to work each day.  It is not just a necessity of life to them.  It is a way to say, "Baby, I'm going to take care of you."

In the same way, working at your appearance is a gift of love.  This does apply for men to women, but the way that God made us is that it is particularly meaningful for women to give this gift to men.  Men are strongly wired to appreciate physical beauty.  So, when a man's wife puts effort into how she looks, even when they're just home together, it is a way of saying to him, "Honey, I want to bless you and let you know how desirable you are, so I love to make myself pretty for you."

It took Beth and I many years before we worked up the courage to tell each other what we liked from each other regarding dress, hair, and other appearance things.  It did feel threatening initially because we both had to do some changing.  Yet, now it's innate and I naturally wear things she likes and Beth often asks me which outfit I would like to see her in or if I like her hair a certain way.

So, consider if making the sacrifice of time and effort to look good is not just a sacrifice, but a means of expressing again the huge reality of your love for the person who has devoted their life to you.

6 Steps to Figuring Out What Your Marriage is all About

Years ago Beth and I read Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  It influenced us

a great deal.  One principle that we particularly loved was trying to create a personal mission statement.  Businesses have them to keep them focused on what their heart is.  It also communicates to others the core values of their company.

Covey’s idea was to do the same for your specific life.  Recently, our church did a series on “The Wholehearted Family” and suggested doing something similar.  Then I thought, why not create a mission statement for your marriage?

Spinning off of the sheet we got from our church, here is how it could work: 

1. Get intentional.

Plan a time maybe your next date night, vacation, getaway, or morning that you can spend together to talk this through. 

2. Pray

Ask for wisdom for this process.

3. Figure Out What’s Important

Here are some good questions to ask each other:

What kind of marriage partners do we want to be?

What is the purpose of our marriage?

How do we want to treat each other?

How do we want to resolve our differences?

How can we both support each other in our respective goals?

What kind of parents do we want to be?

What principles do we want to teach our children to help them prepare for adulthood and lead responsible, caring lives?

What roles will each of us have?

How can we best relate to each other’s families?

What traditions do we bring with us from the families in which we were raised?

What traditions do we want to keep and create?

Are there things from our family histories that we want to change?

When others look at our marriage, what do we want them to say?

Make a list of core values

Based on your answers to some of the questions, come up with a list of central concepts that really captures your hearts.

Make a list of phrases that inspire both of you

Think bible verses, movie quotes, song lyrics or catchy phrases that mean a lot to you. 

4. Synthesize the Information

Narrow down your list to 5-7 of the most important ideas and then write them in a way that resonates with you and your spouse.

It can be a list, a paragraph, a sentence, or a collage.

5. Display It

Write it up.  Put it on the fridge and/or frame it and put in on a wall where you’ll see it regularly.

6. Use It

When you have big decisions to make as a couple, go back to it and ask how it will influence your choice.