Sexy Saturdays: One More Reason to Get Away with your Spouse

Yesterday, we wrote about the 5 reasons to get away with your spouse, but I left off #5 until today.  Here it is:

Yet, another reason that getting away is worth every penny:

5. You can make love without constraints.

So much in daily married life works against sex.
-kids knocking on your door
-teens coming home at hours unknown
-a million things to do that keep you from getting to bed
-trying to be quiet because of the kids
-tiredness from work and taking care of the house and yard
-and doing the same thing in bed you always have because, well, you always have.

But, oh, the glory of making love without worrying about being quiet, or kids knocking on the door, or shoving all the junk off of your bed, or getting it over before you have to get to sleep because you need to get up at 5am for work.

When you get away, then, give time, unhindered time to enjoy each other.

Let ease take the place of efficiency,
          exploration the place of expectation,
                    and delight the place of drudgery.

Friday List Days: 5 Reasons Getting Away with your spouse is worth every penny

Beth and I get away without the kids for a night or two once a season (4x a year).  Here are just a few benefits of getting away:

1. You discover each other again.

Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People said that all of our activities fall into one of four categories:
-Urgent, but not important
-Important, but not urgent
-Urgent and Important
-Not urgent and not important

When you're at home, so much of life can be consumed by the "urgent, but not important."  When you get away, all of it (dishes, unfinished projects, holes in your screens, emails, phone messages, poopy diapers, groceries) are out of sight and out of mind.  That leaves: your bride or groom.  Suddenly, you have time to discover them again-minus the urgent, but unimportant distraction.

2. Your internal motor can idle.

When you take time to finally slow down and just be, you can recharge your batteries.  Once that happens, you can really l o o k at your spouse again and really l i s t e n.  When we get away we always build in time to let each other have individual time to do whatever-read, sleep, walk, pray, write, putz, think.

3. You can laugh again.

One of the joys of dating is doing fun stuff with each other.  When you get away, do that stuff.  It's hard to take time to have fun together at home sometimes.  There are so many urgent items to take care of.  But when you get away you can read together, play a board game, go for a walk, play tennis, play putt-putt, watch movies, eat at a pizza place, whatever.

4. You can finally talk about the tough, but important stuff.

You know those items that you'd really like to talk through with your spouse?  I'm talking about things on a heart level that would really help your marriage or future or family.  At home, it's hard to have those conversations because when can you do it when you're not tired, or won't get interrupted? Getting away is a great time for this.  Plus, you can plan on it and surround it with good downtime so you can connect first and also have some fun time to decompress after it.

5. .....
Where is it?  Ah, this one is for tomorrow!  :)

Woman: What, me focus?

Man: So...women can focus on 2 or 3 things at a time, right?
Woman: No, no.  We do not focus!

This is a great video to explain women to men and for women to understand themselves.  The info in this less than 2 minute video is more significant than we realize!

Dan and Lauren's Video Teaser

It has been so fun to edit Dan and Lauren's lovely wedding.  With the finished film complete, we thought we would give a little teaser and let you see their "first look."

Honestly, Beth and I have mentioned to others the enjoyment and gentleness between these two numerous times.  You can see it even in these few shots.

Enjoy!
Dan and Lauren's wedding film teaser from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

How to transform Miss Cranky Pants

Mia, our oldest daughter loves to decorate.  She loves to organize, put things in order and decorate.  

This morning, though, our little decorator woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  We affectionately call this wearing your "cranky pants".  

So little Miss Cranky Pants was out of sorts.  

Ugh!  I didn't have time for this.  Friends were coming over for brunch and I hadn't even started prepping the food.  Kurt, being the wonderful son that he is, was taking his parents to the airport which left me on duty. Thankfully, he had our youngest and most wild child with him.  So, it was time to get things into action and I had Miss Cranky Pants first to deal with.  

Ugh again. 

I called the girls into a huddle.  

"Ok, here's the deal," I explained.  "Mommy really doesn't wasn't be a freak show.  I really need your help."  Then I asked Stella to pray and we got to work. 

Mia and I got some cute turquoise mason jars and cut some of the fragrant and beautiful lilac that is blooming in the front yard right now.  

What was really interesting is that I saw Mia change from cranky pants to happypants as she was doing something she loved ...decorating. 

She seemed to come to life!  Her creative juices were flowing as she made the cute little bouquets.  She was happy.  All because of some time doing something she loved.  It was fun to watch her set these little vases around the house and the fun turquoise ones to add beauty to the patio table. 

Doing something you love...it makes you happy.

CrankyPants = not fun to around

Happy pants = a joy to be around

Bottom line:  It's a choice.  We get to decide.  Doing something you love might just give you what you need to cross over. 

What Malala Yousafzai's encounter with the Taliban can teach us about marriage

Do you sometimes lose hope about your marriage?

Does change seem an energy-sucking dream?

Let me be honest.  I have not been there.  I cannot claim to relate or truly understand the heartache and frustration of a dying marriage and what you must go through every day when you wake up the kids or you come home from work and the air is hurtful or just dead.

At the Leadercast, they had an interview with 17 year old Malala, a Pakistani girl who fought for the right for girls to go to school in the Taliban-held Swat Valley.  The Taliban subsequently tried to kill her and she was shot in the head. 

Miraculously, she survived and now, even at such a young age, she travels the world championing the rights of girls to get an education. 

In this interview she was asked how she holds onto hope for Pakistan.  She remarked that she has always been inspired by movies because they constantly showed hopeless situations that were suddenly turned around by a hero.  In the words of her interviewer, Henry Cloud,

"Leaders hold together how bad it is right now, along with the hope that it can be better." 

This young girl knows the reality of a bleak world, much like I can only guess some of you know in the reality of a bleak, and lonely marriage. 

I don't want to suggest that Malala has an answer for you, but what I see in her is someone who has been able to accept, not ignore, the reality of the world, but holds out hope that moves her to action to change it. 

That doesn't fix anything in and of itself, but it is the beginning.  And until we begin, we go nowhere.

Sexy Saturdays: How busyness can kill a sex life

Last week was one of those weeks. 

Thursday/Friday: got our two oldest kids packed and ready to leave with Grandma and Grandpa to

visit cousins for a week in Wisconsin...no small feat.

Saturday: filmed a wedding

Sunday: took a trip to Lakeside to celebrate Mother's Day

The week: tried to pack in hours of video editing and managing our three youngest kids without their older, more responsible siblings to help.

On top of this it was our Once-a-month cooking week so Beth was slaving away at prep and then we did an evening of shopping and a full day and a half of cooking.

Oh, and then our two oldest kids came home Saturday night.

Ugh...I feel tired just writing about it. 

Day after day Beth and I put off intimacy.  I said to Beth one day, "I can see now how busyness can kill a sex life."

Thankfully, we had an exceptional week, one that we usually avoid, but man, I know people who live like this every week. 

It's funny isn't it?  Sex seems like such an insignificant thing in the big scheme of jobs, money, saving for college education, feeding hungry mouths, but...that's where our perspective is off. 

Making love is more than sex.  It is cementing, unifying, relieving, relaxing, binding, emoting, lighten-ing, building, stress-relieving, and most of all connecting.  That doesn't all seem to happen in those roughly 11-20 minutes, but in the accumulation of a regular love life it actually does all of this without you knowing.

It's a little bit similar to what Jesus said when he described the move of the spirit, "The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes." 

So it is with sex.  In the moment, it seems kind of random, even insignificant, in relation to the big picture of life, but when you look back you can see and even feel the positive, life-giving move it makes in a marriage. 

So, raise your glasses: Here's to keep "making" the "love making."

Are you putting too much pressure on your spouse? Wisdom from Romeo & Juliet

If you answer "yes" to several of the following questions, you might be putting unrealistic pressure on your spouse.

Do you expect him/her to be with you almost all the time?

Are you crushed when he/she fails you? 

Do you expect him/her to always listen?

Do you assume he/she will make you happy (or should)?

Do you regularly expect your spouse to come to your aid?

Do you expect him/her to make your life worth living?

Do you rely on him/her to make you feel good about yourself?

Do you see your spouse as having the job of bringing you peace?

In my daytime life, when I'm not filming weddings, I am an English teacher.  Each year I love, love, love teaching Romeo & Juliet.  I have a passion for Shakespeare's plays.  I try to read one or two new ones each year in my attempt at reading all of his shows.

I think there's something to learn about marriage from these two teens, but it may not be what you'd expect.

Romeo and Juliet is often talked about as if it were a portrayal of the most beautiful relationship.  I think that's silly and I don't think Shakespeare intended that either.  He presented a really foolish, impulsive couple that makes bad choices.  They are juxtaposed by their families, though, who hate each other for no good reason.  In a sense the play says, "Yeah, these two teens are dopey, but even they understood love better than these adults who should be a lot smarter!"

Anyway, the biggest error I see in these two lovers' relationship is one that is easy to fall into no matter what the stage of your relationship. 

They think the other person is god.

In the famous balcony scene, Juliet asks Romeo to swear to the truthfulness of his love.  He begins by swearing "by the moon."  She doesn't like that because the moon changes.  So, he tries to swear by something else.  Juliet stops him and says:

"Well, do not swear at all.  But if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry."

You see, here's what we expect of God.  We expect that he'll

-be with us always

-never fail us

-always listen

-make us happy

-do whatever we ask

-always come to our aid

-make our life worth living.

-make us feel good about ourselves.

-give us peace.

Appropriate for God, but not for a husband or wife.

These are not practical expectations for another human.  Sometimes we do this because we adore the other.  Sometimes we have these assumptions because we think that's what a spouse is supposed to do.

They all lead to dissolution and disappointment.

Let your lover off the god-hook.  Let them be a human.  Let God be God.

Romeo and Juliet made each other gods.  And when their god was gone, they had nothing left for which to live.

But if your wife or husband can be a fellow, faulty traveler on this journey called life, then you can appreciate the blessings they bring to you and forgive the faults when they get you wrong.

God can take care of the rest.

Come to camp and get married!

This Saturday we are filming the wedding of Will and Morgan at Camp Luther. 

As a kid I stayed at Luther Memorial Camp twice.  It is a sister camp to Luther.  I went once as a field trip and a friend and I liked it so much we went back that summer.  I will forever remember survival games, snipe hunting, talks about Jesus, and jumping off the high dive there! 

The groom, Will, spent most of his childhood at Camp Luther and his family are the caretakers.  In fact, his parents married in the chapel on the grounds. 

We are looking forward to a beautiful day on the lake celebrating their union!

Will said anyone who has spent time at Camp Luther raves about the sunsets.  Here's a photo of one at the camp.

Lauren and Dan's portraits

Our partners at Imagine It Photography just put out a sneak peek of Dan and Lauren's wedding that we filmed recently.  Take at look a just a few of the gorgeous photos and this gorgeous couple! 

We are working on the fine-tune details now of their wedding film and hope to get a sneak peek of it up soon.  It's beautiful...if we do say so ourselves!

This shows the Hava Negila dance, a tradition where the bride and groom are hoisted up (precariously!) on chairs and pumped up and down.  It was crazy-and fun!  The Hebrew song was composed in the 1920s when Hebrew was being revived as a common language.  Deep tradition and deep laughter make for a delightful experience!

Check out the rest of their photos here.

Sweet Potato Biscuits: Happiness incarnate

So, this past weekend we had our crazy OAMC (Once-a-month-cooking) extravaganza.  This can always be a little stressful.  I compiled a list of all the spring and summer recipes I have tried or want to try from my Barefoot Contessa's (Ina Garten) cookbooks. 

Grilled Salmon and Guacamole Sandwiches - Delisssh!

Pasta, Pesto & Pea Salad -  YUM!! 

Strawberry Country Cake - Mary Ella, our soon to be 4 year old, claimed that one for her birthday cake!  :)

The bottom line though, is to keep it simple. 

Yummy, as healthy as we can be, and simple! 

On fun, new recipe I tried for the first time was Ina's granola bars.  They are amazing!  Honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten a granola bar this good! And again, I've frozen them, and when we want them, can take them out an hour or a couple of minutes before I want to eat them, and they're yummy, healthy and simple all in one!

Here's another new recipe that I'm really excited about:  Sweet Potato Biscuits.

I do the 3 fold check:

Yummy  - well, I don't know.  First time for everything!  But I love really sweet potatoes fries, sweet potatoe casserole...etc.  anything with sweet potatoes, so here's for hoping!

Healthy - yep!  The recipe (below) comes from a cookbook titled Healthy Choices -

No Sugar, No White Flour, No Artificial Anything.  Check!

Simple - here's the best part.  Once, I baked the sweet potatoes, I threw the rest of the ingredients together and with my cookie scoop, I measured these bad boys out and froze them.  So, I have homemade biscuits ready for any meal.

For the cooks out there, here's the recipe:

Sweet Potato Biscuits

2 c. whole wheat flour

4 tsp. baking powder

pinch of salt

1/3 c. butter

1/3 c. oil

1 c. mashed sweet potatoes

2 Tbsp. milk

Preheat oven to 400.  Add dry ingredients.  Add in the butter and oil.  Throw in the potatoes.  Add milk to make a moist dough.  ( I added a little cinnamon for fun and flavor!)  Use a large cookie scoop and measure out on a dry cookie sheet.  Bake for 15-20 min.    Or freeze and then store until needed.  You can bake them frozen for 20-25 min.  These are super moist and delish served with butter and honey!  

Enjoy!  :)

The Key to a Good Marriage: Be like a middle-school girl chasing after an iPhone!

Andy Stanley at the national convention of leaders called Leadercast said,

"Bold Leadership is: 

a middle school girl in pursuit of an iPhone."

Middle school girls have:

    clarity-(they know what they're after)

    focus-(they zero in on their job to get what they want)

    stubbornness-(it's actually a virtue when you're right)

    resourcefulness (if mommy won't buy it, daddy will or grandma)

When I am sitting and writing on a Congratulations card for a wedding we're attending, I try to think, "What could I tell this couple to help them have a good marriage?"  

I almost always write something like, "Dig your heels in and throw your heart and guts and energies into making your relationship to your wife or husband the most important goal you have, only secondary to loving God." 

I don't think Beth and I are somehow special or gifted when it comes to marriage.  It's just that we have committed to:

clarity: we intentionally read, talk, and pray about our connection.

focus: we have made it our mantra that when mommy and daddy are connected, everything else in our family will work.

stubbornness: we try our hardest to "stick it" to stuff that will pull our time and energies away from our connection.

resourcefulness: we are always trying to read relationship books, listen to relationship podcasts, or trying to glean from people whose marriages we respect.

We're not perfect, we're just desperate.  Like a middle school girl desperate to get an iPhone, we're desperate to not let our marriage crumble, but instead to make it a divine life-giving relationship.

  

Not so Sexy Saturday: Why Men Won't Marry You

Nearly a quarter of American men never marry.  Just two years ago the number was at 17%.  What's going on? 

Author Suzanne Venker in her article "Why men won't marry you" on Fox News wonders if it comes down to two reasons men are avoiding marriage:

1. "Because they can."  Men express love most strongly through sex, but times have changed and women have made it much easier to get sex without commitment.  To be fair, men aren't complaining.  Either way, Romeo & Juliet don't need to pull of a secret wedding to consummate their love; they just need a backseat. 

Men also want a family, but more and more, they don't need marriage to get that either.  The number of children born out of wedlock has risen significantly.

2. "There's nothing in it for them."  As our universities have worked strenuously to break down all gender expectations and convinces millions of young people each year that there is no difference between men and women, this leaves men wondering what their role is anyway.  Do women need or even want a provider or protector anymore?  Is a husband just another friend with sexual benefits?

Plus, if a couple eventually gets a divorce (which Venker points out is usually initiated by women 65%-90% of the time), men are likely to lose all: money, kids, respect, love, sex.

Should we, then, criticize men for being averse to commitment?  Or are they just taking stock of reality?

Or, if I may pontificate, has culture so perverted relationship values that marriage simply becomes one of several valid options for couples? 

May it not be so for our children.  Amen.