Intimacy: what I wished someone would have shared with me

As a woman, there are so many things I wish someone would have shared with me about sex BEFORE we got married or at least somewhere within the first 5 years of marriage!  :)

So, to be able to talk about sex in an open, transparent way often is really hard to find.  

 

But, we're willing to be transparent and risky here!  :)

What I wished someone would have shared with me:

1. I wished that someone would have told me that achieving really satisfying intimacy takes a long time (years) to develop.  It’s like a violin.  No one picks it up for the first time and cranks out a classical masterpiece.

2. I wished that someone would have shared with me that being able to enjoy the ride would allow me to relax and help get me more to a place where the elusive orgasm can occur.  

3. I wished that someone would have told me that orgasm wasn't the end-all-be-all to sex.  Sure, it is amazing…but it's not everything.  At that PAX conference we were at, Alison Armstrong hilariously described women’s climax as being like handling a slippery fish: hard to find and hold onto.  :)

4. I wished that someone would have shared with me that, as women, we take a long time to get tuned in and focused, and that by taking care of my man first it really helps a lot to get me more ready to be able to arrive to that needed, trance-like state.

5. I wished that someone would have shared with me the sex is an adventure - and to relax, and truly enjoy it.  There's up and downs, times we laugh and it's goofy, other times we hardly say a word…all so different.  But in the safety of each other, there's the freedom to be and not fear all the weirdness and awkwardness that just comes with our varying moods.  Nothing else helps as much as letting go and truly enjoying it.  

Yikes, that's honest.  I know that each of our experiences is different.  I hope that what we've learned is somehow helpful.  

A little love in unexpected places (hint: it's in a smoothie!)

Do you ever find it hard to buy that perfect gift for one of your parents?  I mean, my dad....yikes!  He's the hardest to shop for.  I think because he's so easily happy with nothing!  Never really NEEDS anything!  And my mom, well, she might be a little easier, but still takes a whole lot of energy to think through what she'd REALLY love!

 

Well, a couple of years ago now, we came up with the brilliant idea to buy her a Vita-mix blender.  It

ended up being a group gift from all of us. 

We nailed it!  :)

She LOVED it!

And if I'm completely honest, so did I!  For I got to try out her fun new gadget too!  And as we live next door to my parents, I got to try it out often!  Actually, I ended up using it so often that eventually the blender started staying at our house for longer and longer visits.  Honestly, I didn't mean to do this!  Really!  And then the (glorious!) day came when my mom said "Beth, why don't you just keep it as your house?  You use it more.  I know where to find it, when I need it."

I was torn!  Secretly, overjoyed....but, wait....this was HER gift!

Moms can be hard to budge, and well....the delightful Vita-mix is presently residing on our countertop.  And she is well used.  Daily she is enjoyed, and cleaned!  (thankfully she's easy to clean!  All we do is throw in warm water and a little soap in the blender & turn her on.  Rinse and done!)

My go-to for a healthy, yummy snack is almost always a smoothie.  Kurt, I would say, thinks it's a lot of work to do that when you can just grab an apple or a cookie.  (cookie, healthy?  Oh right, they were OATMEAL chocolate chip!)  lol!  :)

So, a recent smoothie obsession has been the following recipe.  It's so good and so healthy, it's just crazy!  I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.  (BTW, it's not the one in the photo!)

Chocolate Smoothie Bliss

1 c. almond milk (or any kind)

1/2 avocado

3 T cocoa powder

2 T agave

10 ice cubes

Mix and enjoy!  If it's too thick, call it ice cream! :)  We add mini chocolate chips on top for added pleasure!

When I make this for Kurt just because, he sighs....is reminded of how much I love him....and we both are so thankful that we bought that Vita-mix blender for us.....I mean, for my mom, many moons ago!  

Do you back down when your spouse gets angry?

Are you a people-pleaser married to an angry person? 

Maybe your spouse isn’t an “angry person” but you feel their disapproval when you resist them.

In our case, Beth, by nature, is more of a go-getter.  Early in our marriage I would acquiesce to her almost all the time because I was afraid.

I deceived myself by saying I was being loving.  Doesn’t love do what others want?

Wrong.  Lie. 

For me to love, I must first love me. 

I’m not talking self-absorption or narcissism. 

Instead, I mean I must know what is mine-what lies within my boundaries (at topic we introduced here). 

Once I am fully in charge of what belongs to me, then I can decide when I lend it out. 

Here’s a few things Cloud and Townsend teach about anger in their book Boundaries.  (For those not comfortable with calling it anger, you could substitute the word “pressure.”)

“[Anger] cannot jump across the room and hurt you.  It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow it.  Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important.” 

“Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.”

“Make sure your support group will be available to you right after the confrontation.”

“Do not allow the angry person to get you angry.”

“Just reiterate what you will do and not do, and let them be angry.  Tell them that you care for

them; maybe ask if you can do anything else to help.  But your no still stands.”

The connection between all of these is to recognize your spouse’s anger as something outside of you.  It is your husband’s or wife’s responsibility, not yours.  In other words, it is not inside your boundary.  Assess what is being communicated underneath their anger and do what you need to do to rationally decide if and how you need to respond.

For those of us who are people-pleasers this will feel mean, but Cloud and Townsend point out, “Many times you will feel mean when you were not.”  It is just you keeping boundaries.

This all takes a lot of practice and support, but your marriage and you are worth that effort.

Is it Arrogant to Patriotic about America?

Take 5 minutes to consider:

Will & Morgan's Wedding Film!

You couldn't have asked for a more stunning, summer day for a wedding when Will and Morgan got married outdoors with a glistening Lake Erie as a backdrop.  Then we got to catch them on film as they walked the wooded grounds of Camp Luther.  After a stop at the brewery where they met, we headed off to a reception full of surprise choreography, dance antics, and lots of laughter.

Enjoy their wedding film as much as we enjoyed producing it!


Will and Morgan's Wedding from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Produced by Kurt and Beth at For Real Wedding Films
forrealweddingfilms@gmail.com
440-225-1868
Music provided by Songfreedom
Photography (including the gorgeous photo above!)-Imagine It Photography

Tent for the musicians-Sun Rentals 
Dress-Expressions Bridal and Formal
Wedding Venue-Camp Luther
Florist-Roses for Weddings Inc. 
Reception-American Croatian Lodge
Cake-Michael Angelo's Bakery
DJ-Magical Sound Entertainment 

A New Way to Celebrate the 4th of July

As we have raised our children we have had fun rediscovering the reasons for the holidays that we have celebrated all of our lives. 

It seems so easy to enjoy the day off, the picnic, the vacation, etc. and miss the point.  We really want our kids to get the point.

So, this July 4th we're trying out a little something we picked up from the video below.  It can be done in under 10 minutes, but helps everyone at your 4th of July gathering remember why this is not just a fun holiday, but a remembrance of a day that changed history and the course of each of our lives to this very day. 

Check it out and maybe you can celebrate our country this way too.



If you're interested in doing this like we plan to, this link will take you to a pdf of the text and what you need.

Chris, Hope, and an iPhone

Chris And Hope iPhone clip from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

We loved being able to celebrate with Hope and Chris on their wedding day! Just for fun, we created our first attempt at a little video using the iPhone. We didn't plan to do this...but thought we'd give it a try!☺ We look forward to sharing with you the "legit" sneak peeks soon!