What is your family's marriage heritage?

My grandfather, Gustav, died in World War II.  Not in the US military.  He fought for the Germans
(my father was always clear to point out that his dad was "not a Nazi").  We don't know how he died.  He is technically missing-in-action.  The Red Cross believes that he died somewhere on the Russian front.

My dad was only 5 years old when the war ended.  He only saw his father once when his unit was stationed near their home.

I've often wondered about my grandfather's life and his marriage to my grandmother.

1. How did they meet?

2. Were they happily married?

3. What was it like when he had to leave for the army?  Did he volunteer?  Was he drafted?  Was it a tearful parting or a bitter one?

4. Did they write letters back and forth?  When the Russian front progressed further into Germany in 1944 and 1945, my grandmother's family had to flee.  They burned everything in the stove including all photos (minus one-the only photo that exists of her husband, my grandfather).

5. What was it like not knowing if your husband was alive?  How long did she hold out hope?  (She had to choose to declare her husband officially dead since he was never found.  She did this in 1960). Did she ever wonder if he was wasting away in some Russian prison camp?

6. Why did she never marry again?  My grandmother, Meta, raised her five children, lived until she was 85, and remained single for all those years.  Did she ever dream of her husband?  Did she miss him?  Did she forget him?  Could she still hear the sound of his voice?

My dad admits that he never thought to ask these questions until his mother had died.  The answers to these questions, then, will likely remain a mystery for me.

I wonder sometimes: what influence did my grandparents' marriage have on my parents' marriage?  And, then, of course, did some of that come to me and my relationship with Beth?

The origins of our family's marriages play a role in our present ones.  Is it time to ask those questions of your family to find out what marriages have come before you?  There's so much to learn, if only we have the guts to ask the questions while we still can.

Waiting to want it...ain't gonna happen.

Waiting to want to have sex - ummmm...probably isn't going to happen.  

It might be if the stars align just right, and you got that amazing 8+hrs of continual, glorious sleep,

and the kids listened to your every wish and obeyed...the first time!, and the magic genie came and cleaned your house....ummmm....again, probably isn't going to happen.

So, what's a woman to do?

My thoughts on this.....well.....is make it happen.

Clearly, not what I thought when we first got married.  

I thought sex would just happen.

Somehow it would be sponatenous and just so much fun.  We'd both be all there and all ready to enjoy it! (kinda like in the movies!)

Again, not so much.

So, here's reality, at least for us:

Sex happens (most of the time) with 2 key things: planning and intentionality.

Boy, that sounds like fun!  lol!  

Ok, not so romantic...but here's how we've come to look at it:  we want to prioritize each other and meet each other's needs.  So when supposedly "more important things" easily and normally come along, we already have "us time" planned in.  This helps protect us and communicates to each other that we value each other more than the other random things that bombard our lives. 

How do to this?

Well, one way we do this is that we simply sit down sometime on the weekend, before the next week rolls around, and as we talk about the upcoming week, we "schedule" in when we're going to have sex.  This may not be for everyone, but again...waiting to want sex, most likely isn't going to happen.  Actually statistics show that the greater frequency there is in sex, the more often you'll desire it  (particularly for a woman). The less frequency, the less desire.  So, we plan for it.  In our season of life with younger kiddos, we have to be more creative....during naptime or while the kiddos are watching a video, but at least, it's happening and I can gear up mentally for it.  

Sometimes we even plan who's "on" for our next loving making session - meaning that person is in charge of adding some creative element to it or just something to take it out of the everyday normal.  Sometimes, it might just be as simple as laying a different direction in bed...or maybe lighting some extra fun candles.  

Like anything else, it's the little touches and extra thoughts that really communicate love and care.  

Whatever it takes, make intimacy happen.  It communicates so much love to your man, especially if, as the women, you initiate!  

Being married to a broken person

Right now, while writing this, I'm sitting in a school awards night ceremony (ok, I wrote this one back in May).  Just a few rows ahead of me is a former student of mine named Clara.  She is cradling the head of her younger brother who has Downs Syndrome (admittedly, I'm not sure of the exact disability).

This is a teen girl.  Teens are often known for their self-absorption, but this girl, instead, deeply loves her brother who is not a 'normal' brother.  Yet, ask Clara about her sibling and she immediately breaks into smiles about him.  Surely, he is an inconvenience, but she chooses not to see him that way.

Each of us has married a broken person.  Your wife or husband brought problems with them into your

marriage.  Surely that problem is, at times, an inconvenience, even an annoyance.

What Clara shows us, though, is that a perspective change can mean everything.

You are the one person out of all of the billions of people on the planet that he or she chose to give their life to.  Instead of seeing her weaknesses as a pariah, could you see the privilege of being the one called to love and heal that hurt?

Instead of seeing "for better or for worse" as a curse, could we all learn to see the divine gift of sharing the struggles of life with one other person?

Does it make it easy?  No.  But, like Clara, it brings the weakness of the other into the context of love and privilege instead of frustration and resentment.

Getting in the mood with...oxytocin? Huh?

As we have mentioned before, Kurt and I went to a PAX conference in LA.  It was called

Understanding Women.  Last May, I went to one entitled Understanding Men.  This past summer, this was the first time we had done a conference like this together.

It was simply...amazing!  I hope to do a little series of some of the gems related to intimacy I picked up at the conference.  Not only is it great for this blog, but it's really good for me personally to go back through what I learned and process it and then......the key piece....apply it!  :)

Gem #1:

The value of oxytocin for women to increase a woman's desire for sex.

Oxytocin!?!  When the key speaker, Alison, mentioned it I couldn't really tell you what that was. I definitely had heard it before, but what was it exactly?  No clue!  lol!  

So, as I googled oxytocin, to find out what this magic gem was and here's what I found: "oxytocin is also known as the love hormone.  It is plentiful in lactating women and released by men and women during orgasm."  But that's not all!  

It's also associated with boosting trust and empathy and reducing stress and anxiety!  

"The higher your oxytocin, the higher your happiness and well-being, at least for women," says Paul Zak, PhD, a researcher at Claremont Graduate University in Claremont, Calif.

WOW!

Ok, so my next question was how do I increase my oxytocin levels?

At the conference, Alison Armstrong shared how our culture today doesn't allow for oxytocin to grow.  And if a woman doesn't have enough oxytocin to have have sex, the amount that we need to expend, then we end up either dreading sex or feeling depressed about it.  (Not exactly a turn-on for our spouses!)

How to increase oxytocin

So, again....what can help, I wondered? What can increase oxytocin?

Alison mentioned that when a woman is in a "gathering" mode, this produces the beloved love

hormone.  What is gathering you might ask?  Well, the best way I would try to explain it is this:  opposite of what our culture does - NOT RUSH! 

Gathering is resting, slowing down, more being....things that are really hard to do, right?!  But, when I think about what helps me get into the mood, it's usually taking a nap, getting extra rest, taking a lingering bath, going for a walk, getting a little space, stepping away from the kiddos, stepping away from the computer....etc.  Alison mentioned that rhythmic hand motions seemed to also be a practical way of increasing oxytocin.

Admittedly, I thought that seemed a bit odd.  Rhythmic handmotions?! What in the world?

She continued explaining that things like:  knitting, painting, crocheting...etc.  allowed for plenty of time and allowed a woman to slow down, breathe more deeply and help build that sweet love producing oxytocin.  

So, I'm in process here with you all in this...but what do you think you and I could do today that might help us build some of the wonderful love hormone to bless our spouse?!  Give it some thought and I'll do the same! :)

After the wedding dress goes in the closet

Here's a little clip from Jamie & Mike's upcoming wedding film!  We had the chance to do a romantic film shoot at the trendy and fun East 4th Street area.

Isn't it funny how we prize each other like diamonds when walking down the middle of a street in our wedding clothes, but after a few years, and after we've put the wedding dress in the closet, we forget to still cherish the bride or to cling to the groom?

For those of us way down the anniversary line, let us take a cue from this couple and from Solomon, the ancient Jewish wise man and king: "Rejoice in the wife of your youth."


McCue Highlight from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Learn from people who turned their marriages around

When something doesn't work, don't you go to people who have fixed them to see what they did?

When I can't figure something out on the computer, I go to Youtube because, inevitably, someone already figured it out and made a video!

This recent radio show asked callers who had been in trouble marriages that turned around for the better what they did.  You will not regret listening to this one; it is packed with wisdom.




Click here to learn more about Dennis Prager or subscribe to Pragertopia to have the ability to download any of his radio shows.

If your marriage was failing, what did you do to turn it around?

Yesterday, as I was getting dinner ready, I was able to listen to a podcast called The Male/Female Hour by Dennis Prager.  He calls it the most honest talk about men and women in America.  

The question that he posed to his listeners was this: 

 If your marriage was failing, what did you do to turn it around?  

So, there are two things that are implied here:  the marriage relationship was headed for disaster and something changed it's course and restored it.  

So intriguing, right!

So, as I made some of our favorite sweet potato biscuits (recipe below :) ), I listened intently to the callers responses.  A common theme I heard was that each caller chose to work on their own baggage.  They chose to let go of expectations on their spouse and instead focused on changing themselves.  This is was the key.  

It sounds so easy, right?!  

Ummm...not so much.

We all know that it takes a lot of work to keep any relationship working well, but especially in a marriage.  

What about sex? 

One woman caller shared how she also tried to make some significant changes in physical intimacy, by initiating more with her spouse.  It wasn't the area she wanted to see changes in.  However, she knew this was where her husband was frustrated.  So, she decided to step up and initiate more often.

She shared that those little changes were noticed by her husband and he in turn, made positive changes in areas that she had long nagged about, but without results.  

Owning our stuff.  It's hard.  It's even harder to make changes.

But, it's so worth it.  Each caller mentioned how their marriages are immeasurably better for pursuing change and doing the hard work.  

Whatever it may be for you, own it and for the sake of your spouse, start taking baby steps to make changes.

I'm glad we're in this together!  (and we'd love to hear any of your stories to share on here if you're willing to share).

Maria & Bobby's Wedding Highlight

We cannot tell you how delighted we were to have the honor of capturing Maria and Bobby's wedding day.  We loved the Greek culture and all the symbolism given to the ceremony at St. Demetrios.  We were in awe of the spirited dancing as The Fabulous Grecian Keys rocked away the night at The Renaissance Hotel.  The most special moment came when Bobby and his groomsmen pulled off a surprise choreographed dance (to over 5 different songs!) while Maria sat in a chair to be serenaded.  All in all, their commitment to God, each other, and their family was deeply moving.  Enjoy this snapshot of their day.




Maria & Bobby's Wedding Highlights from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Breaking rules sometimes makes love grow

Every time I am in a setting where someone says, "Let's fold our hands and bow our heads," I can't help but intentionally raise my eyes heavenward and place my hands however I feel.

It has nothing to do with being averse to prayer.  In fact, my connection with my Father is

encompassing to my life.  However, I came to that connection through turning away from what I saw as lifeless, rote rituals that had little meaning to me.  Feeling comfortable and affectionate toward God has been more important to me than being formal.

Have you noticed that breaking some rules often connects you emotionally with people?

I'm not talking about 'bad' things.  I mean just random stuff
-like going over a bump with friends to make them jump.
-sneaking some cookies with your brother.
-jumping off something your parents probably wouldn't have preferred.

Many of us also found this thrill when we dated our spouses.

Maybe it was making out in a movie theater, or planning a surprise for someone together, or when Beth made me try 21 flavors of ice cream at an ice cream shoppe on my 21st birthday.

Taking risks to break expectations together naturally strengthens bonds.

Could you use some of that spark now?

Yep, it would mean ditching the schedule one day or dealing with being a little tired later.  Is today the day to try (or plan!) something fun and silly together?

These few questions could shift your love life

Love once meant: don't say what you like, just go with what they like.

But love, real love, grows.

It becomes: share, kindly, what you like, so that your spouse will be able to love you the way you really want to be loved.

It's actually quite loving to do that!  We all want to be able to love well and when you share with your spouse how they can love you well, it sets them up for success!

It's risky, though, especially when it has to do with what goes on in the bed.

Consider printing these questions or making a Word doc of them.  Take some time individually to complete the answers and plan a time (ideally, a leisurely, fun time) to share your answers with each other.

Before we make love:

• I really like it when you...
• I feel good when you...
• It helps me feel close to you when you...
• I'd rather you didn't...
• I would like it if you...

When we make love:

• I really like it when you...
• I feel good when you...
• I'd rather you didn't...
• I like to feel connected by...
• I would enjoy trying...

Remember, don't look at this as an opportunity to "fire shots," but to let your spouse into your world so he or she can love you well.  And open yourself to receiving whatever your spouse has to say.  Don't take offense.  We are each different and desire different things.  If what they offer seems odd to you, don't say that!  You probably sound odd to them!  

You are here to bless each other, so open your heart and open your mind to hearing what they really want.  I can tell you that in our marriage, discussing these questions a number of years ago began a major shift in our love life.  

In the words of an ancient Hebrew book of wisdom: "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth...may you ever be intoxicated with her love."