Being married to a broken person

Right now, while writing this, I'm sitting in a school awards night ceremony (ok, I wrote this one back in May).  Just a few rows ahead of me is a former student of mine named Clara.  She is cradling the head of her younger brother who has Downs Syndrome (admittedly, I'm not sure of the exact disability).

This is a teen girl.  Teens are often known for their self-absorption, but this girl, instead, deeply loves her brother who is not a 'normal' brother.  Yet, ask Clara about her sibling and she immediately breaks into smiles about him.  Surely, he is an inconvenience, but she chooses not to see him that way.

Each of us has married a broken person.  Your wife or husband brought problems with them into your

marriage.  Surely that problem is, at times, an inconvenience, even an annoyance.

What Clara shows us, though, is that a perspective change can mean everything.

You are the one person out of all of the billions of people on the planet that he or she chose to give their life to.  Instead of seeing her weaknesses as a pariah, could you see the privilege of being the one called to love and heal that hurt?

Instead of seeing "for better or for worse" as a curse, could we all learn to see the divine gift of sharing the struggles of life with one other person?

Does it make it easy?  No.  But, like Clara, it brings the weakness of the other into the context of love and privilege instead of frustration and resentment.

Getting in the mood with...oxytocin? Huh?

As we have mentioned before, Kurt and I went to a PAX conference in LA.  It was called

Understanding Women.  Last May, I went to one entitled Understanding Men.  This past summer, this was the first time we had done a conference like this together.

It was simply...amazing!  I hope to do a little series of some of the gems related to intimacy I picked up at the conference.  Not only is it great for this blog, but it's really good for me personally to go back through what I learned and process it and then......the key piece....apply it!  :)

Gem #1:

The value of oxytocin for women to increase a woman's desire for sex.

Oxytocin!?!  When the key speaker, Alison, mentioned it I couldn't really tell you what that was. I definitely had heard it before, but what was it exactly?  No clue!  lol!  

So, as I googled oxytocin, to find out what this magic gem was and here's what I found: "oxytocin is also known as the love hormone.  It is plentiful in lactating women and released by men and women during orgasm."  But that's not all!  

It's also associated with boosting trust and empathy and reducing stress and anxiety!  

"The higher your oxytocin, the higher your happiness and well-being, at least for women," says Paul Zak, PhD, a researcher at Claremont Graduate University in Claremont, Calif.

WOW!

Ok, so my next question was how do I increase my oxytocin levels?

At the conference, Alison Armstrong shared how our culture today doesn't allow for oxytocin to grow.  And if a woman doesn't have enough oxytocin to have have sex, the amount that we need to expend, then we end up either dreading sex or feeling depressed about it.  (Not exactly a turn-on for our spouses!)

How to increase oxytocin

So, again....what can help, I wondered? What can increase oxytocin?

Alison mentioned that when a woman is in a "gathering" mode, this produces the beloved love

hormone.  What is gathering you might ask?  Well, the best way I would try to explain it is this:  opposite of what our culture does - NOT RUSH! 

Gathering is resting, slowing down, more being....things that are really hard to do, right?!  But, when I think about what helps me get into the mood, it's usually taking a nap, getting extra rest, taking a lingering bath, going for a walk, getting a little space, stepping away from the kiddos, stepping away from the computer....etc.  Alison mentioned that rhythmic hand motions seemed to also be a practical way of increasing oxytocin.

Admittedly, I thought that seemed a bit odd.  Rhythmic handmotions?! What in the world?

She continued explaining that things like:  knitting, painting, crocheting...etc.  allowed for plenty of time and allowed a woman to slow down, breathe more deeply and help build that sweet love producing oxytocin.  

So, I'm in process here with you all in this...but what do you think you and I could do today that might help us build some of the wonderful love hormone to bless our spouse?!  Give it some thought and I'll do the same! :)

After the wedding dress goes in the closet

Here's a little clip from Jamie & Mike's upcoming wedding film!  We had the chance to do a romantic film shoot at the trendy and fun East 4th Street area.

Isn't it funny how we prize each other like diamonds when walking down the middle of a street in our wedding clothes, but after a few years, and after we've put the wedding dress in the closet, we forget to still cherish the bride or to cling to the groom?

For those of us way down the anniversary line, let us take a cue from this couple and from Solomon, the ancient Jewish wise man and king: "Rejoice in the wife of your youth."


McCue Highlight from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Learn from people who turned their marriages around

When something doesn't work, don't you go to people who have fixed them to see what they did?

When I can't figure something out on the computer, I go to Youtube because, inevitably, someone already figured it out and made a video!

This recent radio show asked callers who had been in trouble marriages that turned around for the better what they did.  You will not regret listening to this one; it is packed with wisdom.




Click here to learn more about Dennis Prager or subscribe to Pragertopia to have the ability to download any of his radio shows.

If your marriage was failing, what did you do to turn it around?

Yesterday, as I was getting dinner ready, I was able to listen to a podcast called The Male/Female Hour by Dennis Prager.  He calls it the most honest talk about men and women in America.  

The question that he posed to his listeners was this: 

 If your marriage was failing, what did you do to turn it around?  

So, there are two things that are implied here:  the marriage relationship was headed for disaster and something changed it's course and restored it.  

So intriguing, right!

So, as I made some of our favorite sweet potato biscuits (recipe below :) ), I listened intently to the callers responses.  A common theme I heard was that each caller chose to work on their own baggage.  They chose to let go of expectations on their spouse and instead focused on changing themselves.  This is was the key.  

It sounds so easy, right?!  

Ummm...not so much.

We all know that it takes a lot of work to keep any relationship working well, but especially in a marriage.  

What about sex? 

One woman caller shared how she also tried to make some significant changes in physical intimacy, by initiating more with her spouse.  It wasn't the area she wanted to see changes in.  However, she knew this was where her husband was frustrated.  So, she decided to step up and initiate more often.

She shared that those little changes were noticed by her husband and he in turn, made positive changes in areas that she had long nagged about, but without results.  

Owning our stuff.  It's hard.  It's even harder to make changes.

But, it's so worth it.  Each caller mentioned how their marriages are immeasurably better for pursuing change and doing the hard work.  

Whatever it may be for you, own it and for the sake of your spouse, start taking baby steps to make changes.

I'm glad we're in this together!  (and we'd love to hear any of your stories to share on here if you're willing to share).

Maria & Bobby's Wedding Highlight

We cannot tell you how delighted we were to have the honor of capturing Maria and Bobby's wedding day.  We loved the Greek culture and all the symbolism given to the ceremony at St. Demetrios.  We were in awe of the spirited dancing as The Fabulous Grecian Keys rocked away the night at The Renaissance Hotel.  The most special moment came when Bobby and his groomsmen pulled off a surprise choreographed dance (to over 5 different songs!) while Maria sat in a chair to be serenaded.  All in all, their commitment to God, each other, and their family was deeply moving.  Enjoy this snapshot of their day.




Maria & Bobby's Wedding Highlights from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

Breaking rules sometimes makes love grow

Every time I am in a setting where someone says, "Let's fold our hands and bow our heads," I can't help but intentionally raise my eyes heavenward and place my hands however I feel.

It has nothing to do with being averse to prayer.  In fact, my connection with my Father is

encompassing to my life.  However, I came to that connection through turning away from what I saw as lifeless, rote rituals that had little meaning to me.  Feeling comfortable and affectionate toward God has been more important to me than being formal.

Have you noticed that breaking some rules often connects you emotionally with people?

I'm not talking about 'bad' things.  I mean just random stuff
-like going over a bump with friends to make them jump.
-sneaking some cookies with your brother.
-jumping off something your parents probably wouldn't have preferred.

Many of us also found this thrill when we dated our spouses.

Maybe it was making out in a movie theater, or planning a surprise for someone together, or when Beth made me try 21 flavors of ice cream at an ice cream shoppe on my 21st birthday.

Taking risks to break expectations together naturally strengthens bonds.

Could you use some of that spark now?

Yep, it would mean ditching the schedule one day or dealing with being a little tired later.  Is today the day to try (or plan!) something fun and silly together?