These few questions could shift your love life

Love once meant: don't say what you like, just go with what they like.

But love, real love, grows.

It becomes: share, kindly, what you like, so that your spouse will be able to love you the way you really want to be loved.

It's actually quite loving to do that!  We all want to be able to love well and when you share with your spouse how they can love you well, it sets them up for success!

It's risky, though, especially when it has to do with what goes on in the bed.

Consider printing these questions or making a Word doc of them.  Take some time individually to complete the answers and plan a time (ideally, a leisurely, fun time) to share your answers with each other.

Before we make love:

• I really like it when you...
• I feel good when you...
• It helps me feel close to you when you...
• I'd rather you didn't...
• I would like it if you...

When we make love:

• I really like it when you...
• I feel good when you...
• I'd rather you didn't...
• I like to feel connected by...
• I would enjoy trying...

Remember, don't look at this as an opportunity to "fire shots," but to let your spouse into your world so he or she can love you well.  And open yourself to receiving whatever your spouse has to say.  Don't take offense.  We are each different and desire different things.  If what they offer seems odd to you, don't say that!  You probably sound odd to them!  

You are here to bless each other, so open your heart and open your mind to hearing what they really want.  I can tell you that in our marriage, discussing these questions a number of years ago began a major shift in our love life.  

In the words of an ancient Hebrew book of wisdom: "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth...may you ever be intoxicated with her love."

Maria & Bobby's wedding teaser.

Here's a fun little clip from Maria & Bobby's wedding.  Enjoy!

Maria & Bobby's Wedding Teaser from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

3 Adventure Movies with passion

Like every boy growing up I loved adventure movies.

Indiana Jones

Romancing the Stone

Crocodile Dundee

These are just a few films that graced the VHS player in our family living room in the 1980's.  Besides beating up Nazis and wrestling crocodiles the next best part of imagining being the hero was rescuing the pretty girl.  Before I was old enough to like real, live girls, I knew I wanted to rescue them.

I love the image of the ruddy, muscular hero, cradling the frightened girl in his left arm, while holding a vine (or some other escape route) in the other.  Noticeably, neither the guy nor damsel in distress looked at each other; their eyes were ahead of themselves-on the mission ahead.

While I love looking in my girl's eyes, I also love the fact that we look forward together with a shared sense of mission.  Beth and I share a heart to encourage relationships and to help people connect with God in a real way.  So much of what we do with our lives and our parenting has to do with these shared visions.

Certainly, we have separate passions too.  But even that is shared because we are both committed to encouraging each other's passions.

All of these things give us a bigger picture in life and help us see our marriage in the context of a desire to "change the world."

Do you and your spouse have a shared passion?  Have you talked about it?  Is there a way to get your hearts behind it intentionally?

Maybe you don't share the same vision, but can you together work to help each other pursue your individual passions?

The first step for each of these is simply to talk: Ask your spouse, "What are you passionate about?"  and don't criticize it.  Then ask, "What can I do to support you in it?"

Then go out there and beat up those Nazis and wrestle some crocodiles!  G'day, mate!

Which came first? The Bedroom or the Breakfast?

So, it's Saturday morning and we're hungry!  :) (this is a typical morning)

This Saturday morning, we are without our five lovely little ones!  (not a typical morning!)

There's so much we could do:  go for a morning walk, have sex!!, clean the attic - boo!, what I really would like to do is to take Kurt out for breakfast.

Now if you asked him, he probably would pass on the breakfast and walk (and the attic, of course!).  Which leave that other little choice ;)

So, why are still going to breakfast?!  Ok, so there's this super cute breakfast place I've been wanting to take him to.  It's called Flap Jacks.  I've been twice before, but never with him.  And when do we ever get to go out for breakfast just by ourselves?!

Here's the heart of it:
When it comes to intimacy, men want sex to get connected.  Huh?!

But, as women, we want connection, and then we're able to pursue sex!

Thankfully, my man has learned this one.  He knows I need to connect with him first (and experience an amazing culinary delight). I want to talk about what's going on with him at a heart level.  I want to share what's going on with me.  I want to talk about stuff that always gets cut off short by little ones interrupting every other minute!  lol!

So...off we go to Flap Jacks!

Give a toast to your bride over and over again

Naturally, when we film weddings we expect best man and maid of honor toasts.  But at our most recent wedding the groom actually gave his own toast to his bride.  It was so fun and so sweet that someone remarked, "I want to marry him!"  :)

It reminds me just how easy it is to forget, now that we're married, to express our affection for each other in public.  Just yesterday, while chatting with our doctor at an appointment, I thought about this.  I made a point to praise Beth in that conversation.  Beth wasn't even there, but talking highly of her blessed my heart for her just a little bit more.  Good stuff!

    See more photos by our friends at Imagine It Photography

Arguments and feeling worthless

So, I pull up to a bank with three of our kids in the back seat.

I get out, lock the car, and walk to the ATM.  It is barely a few feet away from the car and I can see it

perfectly.  I realize when I enter that I have left my bank card at home.

Having been in the ATM lobby less than 45 seconds, I turn around to go back to the car and hold the door open for a woman.

She then proceeds criticize me for leaving my kids in the car.

As I'm driving away I'm thinking of all these arguments I could have had from "I was only in the bank for 45 seconds!" to "Who do you think you are, telling me what to do?"

Despite feeling justified in my choice, I begin to feel that creeping sense of worthlessness that I often experience when criticized.  My thoughts then go hunting for a source of worth-building material.  I consider what a good parent I am, how my marriage is something I feel proud of, how our videography business has grown, the positive impact we have on others, and on and on trying to shoo away one stranger's criticism.

But then I realize, this 'Kurt's movie credits' list is only partially helpful.  And when it comes to worth, partial help leaves you feeling restless.

Finally, I turned to the words of an ancient poet that I memorized many years ago just for these very moments.

"My soul finds rest in God alone."
(Psalm 62)

So, I turned to the center and rested there.

Crabbypants and making up

So, I was in a major funk!  Tired, stressed, overwhelmed with my insane "to-do" list - you get the

picture!  In our home, we affectionately call this "Mrs. Crabbypants".  So, as I marched around with my not so cute pants on, guess who I took it out on?!

No, we don't have a dog! ( all of our girls wished we did!)  lol!

Instead, my man received the full vomit of my state of being.  

Yikes!  

It was not pretty!

But I got it and well...I felt a little better.  but I decided what I most needed was a little space and some rest.

So, I took a nap.  

WOW!  That really helped.  But what was interesting, was I soon found out that the crabby pants had switched people.  My man was super frustrated and as we sat down to chat, he vented.  

He was super frustrated with none other than yours truly!

Me?  How could that be?

So, as we continued to chat, I realized a couple of things: one, I saw my high expectations show it's ugly head...again; two, I realized that I hadn't communicated clearly before to my man, so he thought I was disappointed in him, our summer, what we had accomplished ( or not!) .etc. and I clearly wasn't, so it meant that I needed to clarify more clearly; three, it made me super thankful for my man who is willing to be crazy real and go there with me.

Whew...

So, how did it all end?

After a few tears ( it's what we do as women!) and more conversation, we asked each other what we needed from each other.  (this has become our favorite question lately!)  

I shared that I needed time and space to work on some of the things I had struggled to write down on my "to do" list. Kurt happily said he would watch the kiddos the rest of the day, so I could get that.

Sigh!

A couple hours later, I was in a much better place emotionally, mentally, physically..etc.

So, yes it was a super hard couple of hours for me and well....us!  But, it's in those harder moments, that we have the potential to open up, share the junk and be safe with the one who cherishes us.  Yet, it's risky and often I want to put up those walls, pull away, be independent, instead of letting my sweet man in.

Ugh.

Still so much growth that has to happen.

But at the end of the day, Kurt and I were more connected and those crabbypants were no where to find!

Somewhere we had read that "make-up intimacy" is pretty sweet, so we thought it was just the perfect time to see how true that was?  

And well.... it most definitely was!!!  ;)