1800s advice to share with friends who are dating

While poking through some books in a rented vacation cottage, I came across this poem from the 1800s.  There's a bit-o-wisdom here!

Echo

John G. Saxe

I asked of Echo, 't other day,

(Whose words are few and often funny,)

What to a novice she could say

Of courtship, love, and matrimony?

Quoth Echo, plainly, --"Matter-o'-money!"

Whom should I marry?--should it be

A dashing damsel, gay and pert,

A pattern of inconstancy;

Or selfish, mercenary flirt?

Quoth Echo, sharply, --"Nary flirt!"

What if, a weary of the strife

That long has lured the dear deceiver,

She promise to amend her life,

And sin no more; can I believer her?

Quoth Echo, very promptly, -- "Leave her!"

But if some maiden with a heart

On me should venture to bestow it,

Pray should I act the wiser part

To take the treasure, or forego it?

Quoth Echo, with decision,--"Go it!"

But what if, seemingly afraid

To bind her fate in Hymen's fetter,

She vow she means to die a maid,

in answer to my loving letter?

Quote Echo, rather coolly,--"Let her!"

What if, in spite of her disdain,

I find my heart intwined about

With Cupid's dear delicious chain

So closely that I can't get out?

Quote Echo, laughingly,--"Get out!"

But if some maid with beauty blest,

As pure and fair as Heaven can make her,

Will share my labor and my rest

Till envious Death shall overtake her?

Quote Echo (Sotto voce),--"Take her!"

From Journeys Through Bookland vol. 3

1909 Charles h. Sylvester

"I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too"

I asked a group of male high school students: What is one thing you wish girls knew about guys?

A guy's response: "I wish girls knew that guys can be emotional too sometimes."

Men tend to compartmentalize naturally.  Without much effort, they put aside the argument they had with their wife that morning and can switch to focusing on work or even the football game.

To many women this seems to reinforce the idea that men are not emotional.

In all reality, we have many emotions, maybe even as many as a woman.  But, we want our woman to know: We don't hide them intentionally (if we're healthy).  We hide them because we are designed to be hunters and protectors.  In order to slay those dragons to protect our woman and family, we leave our feelings behind a lot.

On one hand, we would be so blessed if our woman would honor us by recognizing that we often make emotional sacrifices so that we can take care of them.

But we also want a safe place to share those emotions, though each man needs his wife to learn the way to bring them out.  Please know it won't work the way women do it.  We may need to be asked at the right time, often after we have had space to unwind or get distracted, before we can tap into our feelings.  Or we may need to experience safety from her by having her full attention, or seeing her honor our feelings and not dismiss, interrupt, or criticize them.  For some relationships this may take time if the opposite has been true.

Men and women deal with their emotions in different ways, and a little understanding can help us find a way to honor those differences.

On your deathbed, what will have won? TV or making love?

I know it's a weird title.

You may have heard the phrase: "On your deathbed you won't wish you had spent more time at the

office."

It's a curious thing to consider: how will you wish you had spent your time when you're at the end of your life?

As weird as it sounds, how does sex fit into this consideration?  Obviously, there are a lot of valuable ways to spend time, some even more important that sex!  However, sex is the one activity that we share with our spouse alone to the exclusion of every other relationship we have on the face of the earth.  The intimacy, the vulnerability, the bonding, the fun, the laughter, all of it is a relational cement we find nowhere else.

Yet, how often has TV been what we chose over making love with our lover?  Most don't say, "Yes, I want TV over sex," but many make this choice by default.

So, when you consider the life-long value of making love versus watching a TV show, ask yourself which you'll be happy you chose more often at the end of your life.  Hopefully, we can choose the one we love.

What it takes to change a marriage

Not long ago, we were encouraging a couple to work through some issues in their marriage.  In the next few days, they did just that.  And it was...painful.

Consider the sheer weight of a locomotive and its train.

How does this incredible load move?  Power, of course.  But that's not all.  It takes...sand.  

Locomotives from the days of steam to modern diesels have sent those little rock particles known as sand down to the rails to help the locomotive's wheels find a source of traction.  There, as that grit is crushed and broken beneath the drive wheels, a massive train can finally build up the momentum it needs to head towards its destination.

When an issue in a relationship has been at a standstill, it wants to stay there.  It takes incredible will power for a couple to try to move out of that stationary spot.  

To make things worse, once they exert that will to change, they will need traction.  That will mean doing some crushing and breaking of sand under the wheels.  It will take breaking silence, crushing some selfish expecations, and going willingly into difficult conversations.  

What you will find, though, just as the couple I mentioned in the opening, is that if you work through that breaking period, you will find the momentum that you need for the long haul.  They have, and are finally seeing some movement where there had previously been little and it is opening up new tracks ahead of them.

Try not to laugh: I dare you.

There is so much truth in this video and yet it's...hilarious.  Just try not to laugh.  I dare you.

Intimacy: what I wished someone would have shared with me

As a woman, there are so many things I wish someone would have shared with me about sex BEFORE we got married or at least somewhere within the first 5 years of marriage!  :)

So, to be able to talk about sex in an open, transparent way often is really hard to find.  

 

But, we're willing to be transparent and risky here!  :)

What I wished someone would have shared with me:

1. I wished that someone would have told me that achieving really satisfying intimacy takes a long time (years) to develop.  It’s like a violin.  No one picks it up for the first time and cranks out a classical masterpiece.

2. I wished that someone would have shared with me that being able to enjoy the ride would allow me to relax and help get me more to a place where the elusive orgasm can occur.  

3. I wished that someone would have told me that orgasm wasn't the end-all-be-all to sex.  Sure, it is amazing…but it's not everything.  At that PAX conference we were at, Alison Armstrong hilariously described women’s climax as being like handling a slippery fish: hard to find and hold onto.  :)

4. I wished that someone would have shared with me that, as women, we take a long time to get tuned in and focused, and that by taking care of my man first it really helps a lot to get me more ready to be able to arrive to that needed, trance-like state.

5. I wished that someone would have shared with me the sex is an adventure - and to relax, and truly enjoy it.  There's up and downs, times we laugh and it's goofy, other times we hardly say a word…all so different.  But in the safety of each other, there's the freedom to be and not fear all the weirdness and awkwardness that just comes with our varying moods.  Nothing else helps as much as letting go and truly enjoying it.  

Yikes, that's honest.  I know that each of our experiences is different.  I hope that what we've learned is somehow helpful.  

Woman: What, me focus?

Man: So...women can focus on 2 or 3 things at a time, right?
Woman: No, no.  We do not focus!

This is a great video to explain women to men and for women to understand themselves.  The info in this less than 2 minute video is more significant than we realize!

5 Love Languages Video

In this previous post we introduced the idea that each of us gives and receives love in different ways, or languages.  The 5 love languages honestly transformed the way Beth and I reacted to each other.  For so many of us, we are giving love, but our spouse doesn't think we are.  And we are receiving love, but we don't think so because we speak different "love languages" without realizing it.

This is a fantastic short video that illustrates the 5 love languages without any words.  Check it out.  It's really worth it.



The 5 Love Languages Trailer from Dr. Gary Chapman on Vimeo.

The Brave Ones

Recently I attended an annual national event called Leadercast.  It brings together some of the most successful leaders in the country to talk about what makes successful leadership.

As I sat and listened to various speakers I saw numerous ways that the principles applied to marriage.  I'll share them sporadically in the next few weeks. 

Here's the first one.

The Brave Ones.

Leadership requires bravery.

Bravery is being willing to face difficulty...on...purpose. 

This is the nature of marriage too.

Marriage is so difficult.  How do you take two people who are completely different in personality, gender, likes, quirks, and dreams and have them get along-happily?

But here's the good news.  Andy Stanley, in the opening Leadercast speech, said "Bold leadership is NOT reserved for bold people, fearless people, people with some specific talent or gift, for the ultra-smart, or ultra-resourced."

He pointed out that really smart people are so smart that they can often talk themselves out trying crazy, bold things.

But the rest of us, not-as-smart-people aren't smart enough to know we shouldn't try.  Even if you are smart, falling in love makes you dumb, doesn't it?

Love makes us brave enough to naively enter into a tremendously difficult relationship thinking we can pull it off quite easily.

So, if you're married, remember you were once brave.  You and your spouse were Brave Ones. 

I was a Brave One too, but am I still brave now?  Are you still brave? 

Are we still Brave Ones when it comes to our marriages?

Will we still face the difficulties in our relationship...on...purpose? 

That's my challenge to me and my challenge to you.

How to speak Menglish

HELP!!! 

Recently our kids have been way into the movie Big Hero 6.  The main character Hiro really struggles to let his friends help him.  His "independence" nearly destroys him.

Why can't I ask for what I need?

Why does that seem so hard for a woman?

Is it because... 

...we have to admit that we're in need?

...we're not perfect?

...we don't have it together?

...we have to let go of some of our independence?

...we simply need help?

Asking for help is one of those menglish words.  

What is menglish? Great question.  It's English that men really understand!   

So, in saying "I need your help" it makes a man act like a dog when it spies a squirrel. It's tracking it down immediately!

So, when you need some help, realize that you're allowing your man to be your hero and help you.  Men are hardwired this way.  

And really, that's what he strives to be....YOUR hero!  :)