Bored with sex. Ok, here's the deal, bro...

I'm cheating today and copying a blog post I came across online.  But, I must say, it is reeeally good.  I know nothing about the site or the blogger other than her name is Mrs. Happy.  It's from a Christian perspective, but I still think it has relevance if you're not of that faith.

The post begins with what I assume is a "Dear Abby" style write in.  And now... Mrs. Happy!

"I love my wife very much and hate to hurt her. But I am tired of her not meeting my needs. These

days she turns me off with her sweatpants in bed, her overweight body, and the same old missionary position she has done from Day One. She is rarely in the mood, and I am so fed up with the fake headaches and fatigue she throws at me. I have tried to talk to her and told her to read some books, to no avail. What do I do? I do not want to turn to pornography or another woman, and my patience is running out. 

Your wife is bored with sex. She was probably interested in the beginning of your marriage, when the excitement of being with you eclipsed all else. But the initial thrill wore off long ago, and now sex is physically unsatisfying for her. She doesn’t reach orgasm. Perhaps she never has. So what is there to get excited about?

She occasionally allows you to have sex in the missionary position. Why? Because men tend to ejaculate the quickest this way, and she is not physically or emotionally invested in sex. Her attitude is, “Get it over with.”

She doesn’t respond to the books you give her. They probably feel like unspoken demands and indictments: “Here—fix our sex life. You’re the problem.” The sweatpants say “leave me alone”; same with the headaches and fatigue.

You say that you love her, and I believe she also loves you. So how did the two of you, who love Christ and love each other, get in this predicament? Let’s go back in time.

The vast majority of couples go into marriage completely clueless about good sex. Sure, they might have something they call “experience,” usually from hurried couplings in illicit relationships. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have listened to these girlfriends, and while they might be attracted to you, the sex itself is not attractive. It is usually very bad sex—emotionally empty and physically unsatisfying—but they endure it (and might even pretend to like it) in the hopes of deepening the relationship.

These men enter marriage none the wiser that their sexual practices bring little or no pleasure to their wives. Since they’re excited–since they are so into it–they assume their wives are having the same experience. Not so. And if the wife doesn’t speak up early on and say, “This isn’t working. Can we try something else?”, the husband continues doing whatever he’s doing that isn’t working, and the wife gets more and more disappointed with sex. Eventually, she just avoids it. Sure, she lets you do it every now and then—because she actually does love you and care about your needs—but it’s nothing she looks forward to.

So, how does one turn around this sad (but sadly common) situation? First, pray. Tell God what’s on your heart. He understands your sex drive—He made you that way, after all. He invented sex. He decreed it good.

Then stop blaming your wife. Fault-finding will accomplish nothing. If you want to see a turnaround—and it is well within reach, with God’s help–you must forgive your wife, humble yourself, and communicate with her openly but gently. Here are some examples of talking points that don’t involve the blame game:

“I really miss the closeness with you that we have during sex. I’m concerned that we’re becoming too distant. I love you very much. What can we do to improve our intimacy? Can we maybe start over with sex? I want to learn what pleases you. Will you let me take things slow and touch you? If you don’t want to have sex, that’s OK. I want to be close to you.”

Ask God for wisdom, and adapt those words as you see fit. Be aware that this could initiate some

pretty deep conversations. You might have to hear about your own failings. Trust God and absorb the blow—you can take it.

So, if you get a favorable reception, what next? We know you guys are doers, so here are some simple suggestions. Kiss her. Rub her back. Everyone enjoys a back rub. Start high; move down…slowly…slowly.

Ask if you can rub her there with your hand. Now—brothers, listen carefully—you’re a lot stronger than you think. You tend to jab, poke…lighten your touch. Let her guide you to the right degree of firmness. If she is becoming aroused—you will know when her body produces its own lubricant—gently penetrate her with your fingers. See if you can bring her to climax with your hands.

Keep in mind that your pent-up sexual energy can be a bit intimidating for a wife who hasn’t enjoyed sex in a long, long time. You might want to lie behind her or sit behind her as you touch her, and if she wants the lights out for now, leave her be. This will help keep things low-key. Above all, take it slow. Mrs. Happys aren’t made overnight.

Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.

- See more here.

Stop Waiting to "Want It"

For those of you joining us for the first time, we are discussing key ideas about intimacy discussed in the book the Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong.

Are you ready?  Ok, here we go!  :)  (I love that we're doing this together!!)

“Having sex when both of you want to is almost always insufficient, even when you are not trying to

create a new life. Most couples need to have sex more often than that.”

Ok, let's break this apart:  So what Alison seems to be saying is that having sex whenever we are in the mood is not enough.  In this chapter, they were talking about a couple trying to get pregnant.  They were only being intimate when she was ovulating and this was a source of conflict for them.  Whether trying to have a baby or not, sex needs to be more frequent than just that one time each month or when the mood strikes (Seriously, how often does your mood strike at the same time as your husband's, especially if you have kids?!). We need to be intimate way more often than that.  

I recall hearing from Alison when we heard her speak at a conference in LA this past summer,  that a woman is really "in the mood" for only about 30 hrs once a month!! Did you catch that?  That's ONLY 30 hours in a month’s time!  The window is very small for us, as women, for desiring sex!  Alison shared that this time period is our "fertile window".  Doesn't that seem kinda crazy?!  This, of course, is a generality for women, but does that seem about right?  I mean when is sex really on OUR radar?  And, as women, when are WE really interested?  We know it's almost ALWAYS on our men's radar, because....well....that's just how they are wired!  Lol!  

But there’s a catch: I also read that the more often we're intimate, the more we desire sex.  The opposite is also true - the less frequent we're intimate with our spouse, the less we desire it.  Interesting right!

So, maybe the focus today or this coming week needs to be on your own desire for intimacy?  Do you think you have a need for sex?  As women, most of us need to be connected emotionally with our spouse before we can connect physically.  But we also have a need to be touched, for affection...etc.  The greater difficulty lies I think in not communicating what we need in sex to make it more enjoyable, for us to truly be “present” more.

I would love to hear your thoughts if you're willing to share.

Thanks again so much for being a part of this conversation!  I love doing this with you! :)

Are you in the mood? Maybe it doesn't matter.

Imagine your life if you only did the following activities when you were in the mood:

• going to work
• grocery shopping
• spending time with your kids
• talking to your friends
• getting dressed

You would be financially strapped, hungry, distant from your kids, friendless, and slovenly.

Yet, isn't it funny that we often feel like sex with our spouse should only happen when we're both in the mood?

Alison Armstrong says in The Queen's Code:

"What is normal for couples is to have sex when you both want to.  That is usually fine in the beginning when sexual tension is high.  The tension gets sex started and that is always the most difficult hurdle.  But as time goes on, two people wanting sex at the exact same moment, when conditions are favorable and the opportunity exits is like trying to line up the moons and the stars.  Especially since sex drives depend greatly upon hormone levels for both men and women....I believe you cannot leave something as important as your sex life in the hands of something as undependable as your bodies' cyclical and circumstantial hormones."

A Woman Cannot Understand Men Without This! Take a Guess!

So, we're re-reading this book, The Queen's Code, for a book group thing we're doing for a couple of months.  We're super excited to be doing this alongside other couples who are willing to do this adventure with us!  This book is written by Alison Armstrong, whom we have found be amazingly perceptive when it comes to understanding male/female differences.  

Since this is a Sexy Saturday blog, I'm going to focus today on something related to intimacy from one of her chapters.  

“A woman cannot understand men, and bring out the best in them, without understanding their relationship to sex."

Ok, let's start with that quote.  It seems to me that there are three essential points:

1.  As women, our pursuit should be to understand men.

2.  As women, we should want to bring out the best in them.  It may not be our husbands if we're not married, but our brothers, fathers, co-workers, neighbors, good friends...etc.  

3.  As women, we need to understand the value of intimacy for them.

Wow!  That's a lot right there!  I mean, how many of us women are really actively trying to understand our men?  I mean, how much easier is it to joke, put down, ultimately emasculate them?  And then, to bring out the best in them?!  Yes, it's sounds like a good idea, especially if that man might be your husband, but do any of us know how to truly bring out the things that help them be their best self?  (Do we even know that for ourselves?!?  Maybe that should be another blog?!) And lastly, how many of us actively pursue trying to understand what sex means to them?  This seems like a tall order, right?!  Lol!  :)

Well, please don't be disappointed...but I'd rather be honest with you, I don't have the answers.  I wish I did!  It would be a lot easier, right! I could just tell you the magic secret and poof....an amazing, conflict-free, super happy marriage!   Well, it won't be that easy...but I am willing to learn and if you'll join me for the next few weeks on this Sexy Saturday blog, we'll explore some answers to how to understand men and their relationship to sex.  

If you have time, I would love your feedback and thoughts.  

On your deathbed, what will have won? TV or making love?

I know it's a weird title.

You may have heard the phrase: "On your deathbed you won't wish you had spent more time at the

office."

It's a curious thing to consider: how will you wish you had spent your time when you're at the end of your life?

As weird as it sounds, how does sex fit into this consideration?  Obviously, there are a lot of valuable ways to spend time, some even more important that sex!  However, sex is the one activity that we share with our spouse alone to the exclusion of every other relationship we have on the face of the earth.  The intimacy, the vulnerability, the bonding, the fun, the laughter, all of it is a relational cement we find nowhere else.

Yet, how often has TV been what we chose over making love with our lover?  Most don't say, "Yes, I want TV over sex," but many make this choice by default.

So, when you consider the life-long value of making love versus watching a TV show, ask yourself which you'll be happy you chose more often at the end of your life.  Hopefully, we can choose the one we love.

Drive-by love: making parenting and a love life work

As the amount of children in our house increased, we hit a point a number of years ago where we had

to choose between less sex or more drive-by sex.  The option that many seem to choose was to not to have as much.  My guess is that they didn't actually "choose" this option directly.  They simply fall into it because their sex life was a matter of mood and opportunity anyway.  And if there's one thing parenting does, it's that it squashes mood and dwindles opportunity.

We had long ago decided that our love life could not be left up to those two things.  This led us to scheduling it.  Each week on Saturday or Sunday we get out our planners and talk through our week together.  This includes all sorts of everyday plans, but also includes when we're going to make love.

Scheduling sex some weeks is more complicated than others, but we make it a priority to plan for it.  We've also had to plan for the real-deal and drive-by.  Our percentage of drive-by (otherwise known as the Quickie) is, unfortunately, higher than our real-deal time, but we see it as a way to keep us connected and satisfied in this season of our life, even though we both ultimately prefer more quality lovemaking time.

Someday, as our kids grow up, we dream of time when we can have a higher real-deal percentage than drive-by, but for now, we make it work and choose to love each other anyway.  In fact, those drive-bys help us stay flirty, bonded, and appreciative, and when it comes down to it: it makes us better parents too.

Give the gift of words in your bedroom

We're constantly telling our kids to "use your words"  and "tell us what you want" instead of trying to imply their wants through whining, crying, or pouting.

The same is true for adults in the bedroom.

How many times have you thought things like this:

I love when she does that.  I wish she would do it again.
I wish she would wear something different when we make love.
I wish he would start touching there instead of there.
I love that!  Oh, don't stop.  Why did she stop?
I love his cologne.  Why doesn't he wear it when we have sex?

We think so many things, but like our kids, we hope our spouse will just 'get it.'  Try to give your spouse the gift of words: Tell her, tell him what you'd really like.

You might be wondering: how is that a gift when I'm asking for something I want for me?

This is how love works: when we know how to bring satisfaction and pleasure to someone, we love to do it.  The frustration comes when we're trying to give love but it doesn't seem to be working.

So, share what you want and, this is crucial, explain what it provides for you.  Tell how what you're asking for would make you feel or how it would motivate you.

For example: When you wear lingerie it makes me feel like a man and that you desire me.
   or    When you light candles it makes me feel more romantic and less inhibited.

This is a gift that you give to the both of you.  Give it a try.

"I want her to initiate"

This is a post from The Generous Husband.  He put it so well, I just thought I'd paste it here.

How long were you married before you figured out sex was different for your wife than it was for

you? Not just different, radically different.

I could go on and on about this, but there’s one massive difference I want you to understand. 

For the vast majority of men sexual desire is spontaneous. A thought, something we see, or just the fact it’s been 23 hours is all it takes for us to want sex. 

For women sexual desire isn’t usually spontaneous. A few women are like men most or all the time. Others experience spontaneous arousal on occasion; primarily as a result of ovulation. Spontaneous desire is the exception for women, not the norm.

Is this because women are broken? No, it’s how God wired them. 

The good news is women can become aroused, which leads to desire. This is difficult for men to understand as it seems backwards. We go after sex because we are aroused; she gets aroused when sexual contact happens. 

Unfortunately, many women have bought into the male model; they think they should experience spontaneous arousal, and they see their failure to do so as an indication something is wrong. The only thing wrong is they’re trying to put male sexuality into a female brain and body. This leads to significant problems and frustration for both husband and wife.

The other part of this is most men want their wife to act as if they experience spontaneous sex desire. 

“I want her to initiate” is something I hear all the time. On the surface, this is fine, but what most men mean is, “I want her to get all horny and come after me.” If she doesn’t get all horny without sexual contact, how can she ever do what you want? It’s asking her to express something she can’t feel.

If you and your wife can both accept this difference, things will get much better. If she knows she can become aroused and enjoy sex she can say yes even if she’s not feeling desire. Beyond this, she will learn sex can be wonderful pretty much any time, and she might initiate it because she likes how it progresses. If you can accept her initiating in this way, it’s a win/win.

Bottom Line: You married a woman, and her sexuality is female. Expecting her to function like a man is neither loving nor likely to end well.