Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Why do happy people marry moody people?

It seems that in many marriages, one spouse leans on the moody side.  Why do generally happy
people marry moody people?  If you are the moody person what should you do?

This 30 minute podcast from Dennis Prager's Male/Female Hour is worth every minute.  Dennis speculates on the challenge and hears from callers as they discuss moodiness in marriage.

If you'd like to hear the Male/Female hour each week (It's the cheapest marital therapy you'll every get!), find Dennis Prager on the radio or subscribe to Pragertopia here.

For wives out there who don't think their man will listen to this, Dennis Prager's show has a 50/50 male/female audience!  It is both insightful and entertaining!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Wife gets backlash for her desire to look good for her husband

If you want to be controversial about relationships today, just say something with common sense.  That's what blogger Amanda Lauren did when she wrote the following article about making a commitment to look good for her husband.  While it was surprising to hear someone include that commitment in their marriage vows, I found her approach in her post quite reasonable, understanding, and wise!  However, she got so much backlash that it warranted a article about all the negative press she got!

Well, to credit her, and to share her wisdom (at a young age I might add), I have posted her article below.  You can see the original here, as well as the comments, some of which may require a bath afterwards to clean off from your memory.

Staying Hot for My Husband is ESSENTIAL to a Successful Marriage

by Amanda Lauren 

They say "Happy wife, happy life," but I'm happiest when my husband is happy.
My husband and I probably have a more traditional marriage than most millennials. If I'm there when my husband gets home from work, I love to make him his favorite cocktail (it's kind of Mad Men, but it works for us). Sunday is my night to cook dinner. But one of the most important things I do to make him happy is to be the woman of both his fantasies and reality.

When we were married a few weeks ago in front of our families, friends and a Rabbi, I vowed to stay hot for my husband.

Before you label me anti-feminist or old-fashioned, please understand that when I look good I feel more confident in myself. Feeling good ultimately allows me to be a better, happier and more considerate partner.

I see the look on my husband's face when I come out of the bathroom, ready for a night out, or the way he checks out my butt on the way to Pilates class. Having an attractive wife makes him happy. They say "Happy wife, happy life," but I'm happiest when my husband is happy.

According to April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert and author, it's incredibly important for women to maintain their looks. She says, "There's no question about it: men are visual — at all ages — and they want you to look attractive, and they want their friends to be jealous."

If men can't help but be visual creatures, I need to oblige. And while I'm not sure if his friends are jealous so to say, they do acknowledge he has a hot wife.

While I'm aware you can't deny the inevitable process of aging, both Masini and I agree that being young and being attractive aren't mutually exclusive.

"You can find beauty in convention or you can find beauty in creation. People age and the way they look in a bikini changes. But the way they conduct themselves, carry themselves and comport themselves can create a sizzle hotter than a thong," she says. It's all about working with what you have.

Some of the most attractive women in Hollywood aren't in their 20s. Take Julianne Moore, for example. She's 55 and one of the prettiest women on the planet. I actually think she looks better as she ages. Helen Mirren is 70 years old and still pretty hot.

If you've watched Grace and Frankie, you've seen how great Jane Fonda looks. The woman is nearly 80 years old! And it's not just actresses. Gloria Steinem, of all women, is also 80 and in better shape than many women a quarter of her age.

I've always wondered why so many women let themselves go in relationships. When I was single, I spent so much time and energy trying to look pretty. While it's now nice to know I can go to the supermarket and gym without makeup, when I accompany my husband somewhere, it's a different story.

I know that when you get married — and especially when you have kids — your priorities change and you only have so much time for yourself. Plus, not every woman looks like Kim Kardashian when she gets out of bed in the morning (myself included), but we can all try to look our best.

It's not even about having a face full of makeup, frizzless hair, or meeting society's standards — it's about meeting your own. Masini sees looking good and feeling good as a cycle: "You become what you are (and you are what you become), so the more you work at looking hot, the hotter you'll feel."

Frankly, even if you don't have a partner, we all feel better when we look good. Making ourselves look better on the outside can affect how we feel on the inside.

The decline of your physical appearance can also reflect your relationship. You stop caring. According to Masini, "You let yourself go, it's not just about what you look like on the outside — you've let the sizzle fizzle and the spark cool."

Everyone knows what they need to do to make their partner happy. If you're attentive to your partner's wants and needs, then they will be attentive to yours. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and while I personally can't vacuum and apply eyeliner at the same time, my husband understands why a $400 iRobot Roomba does more than just vacuum.

It's impossible to meet every single one of your partner's needs all of the time, but if you stop trying then you aren't holding up your end of the relationship. And all of that starts to trickle down to the one thing every relationship needs, which is sex.

While sex can't make a marriage, it can break it. Having that physical, intimate connection is very important. Sex should be mutually enjoyable for both parties. You should want to have sex with your partner. And if my husband wasn't turned on by me, we couldn't have that essential intimacy.

So while my vow to stay hot seems superficial, it really isn't.

All relationships require work, and working on myself is doing the work I need to do for the sake of my relationship. Even if I'm running 15 minutes behind on date night because my hair isn't straightening, my husband can't complain if he's swooning over me.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Happiness is...a moral obligation.

Happiness.  We all want it, but along the way it's easy to lose hope.  In fact, sometimes others tell us that it's just selfishness anyway.  Heck, we say that to ourselves too!

I believe pursuing your own happiness is...a moral obligation.  That's fancy for "you must do it."  I didn't believe this until I started hearing the perspective of the guy in this 5 minute video.  Check it out.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Marriage Cliches: "Getting Hitched"

Another marriage cliche is "Getting hitched."

It even spawned a great Will Smith movie called Hitch! (Great date night flick by the way)

Do you know what a hitch is?

A hitch is an attachment used to allow a vehicle to tow something.

Do you even wonder if you're still hitched?  Do you ever wonder if you're still going in the same direction...together?

I remember when Beth and I were dating seriously and thoughts of our futures became an issue.  Would our dreams for the future work together?  It caused some serious soul-searching because we wanted to live a meaningful life together and didn't want to pull the other away from where they saw God moving them.

As we have been married now for over 17 years we can see how we have to had to figure out how to keep meshing our visions as our lives, energies, and aspirations have changed.  Beth built a photography business at one point.  I pursued playwriting for a number of years.  We jumped into homeschooling.  We also combined creative juices to form For Real Wedding Films.  In each case we either worked together or one of us had to make sacrifices to support the other.

At times we differed on where we were headed, but we used patience, prayer, and a lot of talking to try to make the ultimate decisions together.

We know we love each other, but we also want to keep facing life and pursuing the future together.

When I meet a couple who seem to be living separate lives, it makes me thankful that we've tried to avoid that outcome and have kept "hitched."

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Bored with sex. Ok, here's the deal, bro...

I'm cheating today and copying a blog post I came across online.  But, I must say, it is reeeally good.  I know nothing about the site or the blogger other than her name is Mrs. Happy.  It's from a Christian perspective, but I still think it has relevance if you're not of that faith.

The post begins with what I assume is a "Dear Abby" style write in.  And now... Mrs. Happy!

"I love my wife very much and hate to hurt her. But I am tired of her not meeting my needs. These
days she turns me off with her sweatpants in bed, her overweight body, and the same old missionary position she has done from Day One. She is rarely in the mood, and I am so fed up with the fake headaches and fatigue she throws at me. I have tried to talk to her and told her to read some books, to no avail. What do I do? I do not want to turn to pornography or another woman, and my patience is running out. 

Your wife is bored with sex. She was probably interested in the beginning of your marriage, when the excitement of being with you eclipsed all else. But the initial thrill wore off long ago, and now sex is physically unsatisfying for her. She doesn’t reach orgasm. Perhaps she never has. So what is there to get excited about?

She occasionally allows you to have sex in the missionary position. Why? Because men tend to ejaculate the quickest this way, and she is not physically or emotionally invested in sex. Her attitude is, “Get it over with.”

She doesn’t respond to the books you give her. They probably feel like unspoken demands and indictments: “Here—fix our sex life. You’re the problem.” The sweatpants say “leave me alone”; same with the headaches and fatigue.

You say that you love her, and I believe she also loves you. So how did the two of you, who love Christ and love each other, get in this predicament? Let’s go back in time.

The vast majority of couples go into marriage completely clueless about good sex. Sure, they might have something they call “experience,” usually from hurried couplings in illicit relationships. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have listened to these girlfriends, and while they might be attracted to you, the sex itself is not attractive. It is usually very bad sex—emotionally empty and physically unsatisfying—but they endure it (and might even pretend to like it) in the hopes of deepening the relationship.

These men enter marriage none the wiser that their sexual practices bring little or no pleasure to their wives. Since they’re excited–since they are so into it–they assume their wives are having the same experience. Not so. And if the wife doesn’t speak up early on and say, “This isn’t working. Can we try something else?”, the husband continues doing whatever he’s doing that isn’t working, and the wife gets more and more disappointed with sex. Eventually, she just avoids it. Sure, she lets you do it every now and then—because she actually does love you and care about your needs—but it’s nothing she looks forward to.

So, how does one turn around this sad (but sadly common) situation? First, pray. Tell God what’s on your heart. He understands your sex drive—He made you that way, after all. He invented sex. He decreed it good.

Then stop blaming your wife. Fault-finding will accomplish nothing. If you want to see a turnaround—and it is well within reach, with God’s help–you must forgive your wife, humble yourself, and communicate with her openly but gently. Here are some examples of talking points that don’t involve the blame game:

“I really miss the closeness with you that we have during sex. I’m concerned that we’re becoming too distant. I love you very much. What can we do to improve our intimacy? Can we maybe start over with sex? I want to learn what pleases you. Will you let me take things slow and touch you? If you don’t want to have sex, that’s OK. I want to be close to you.”

Ask God for wisdom, and adapt those words as you see fit. Be aware that this could initiate some
pretty deep conversations. You might have to hear about your own failings. Trust God and absorb the blow—you can take it.

So, if you get a favorable reception, what next? We know you guys are doers, so here are some simple suggestions. Kiss her. Rub her back. Everyone enjoys a back rub. Start high; move down…slowly…slowly.

Ask if you can rub her there with your hand. Now—brothers, listen carefully—you’re a lot stronger than you think. You tend to jab, poke…lighten your touch. Let her guide you to the right degree of firmness. If she is becoming aroused—you will know when her body produces its own lubricant—gently penetrate her with your fingers. See if you can bring her to climax with your hands.

Keep in mind that your pent-up sexual energy can be a bit intimidating for a wife who hasn’t enjoyed sex in a long, long time. You might want to lie behind her or sit behind her as you touch her, and if she wants the lights out for now, leave her be. This will help keep things low-key. Above all, take it slow. Mrs. Happys aren’t made overnight.

Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.

- See more here.