Life on a Tuesday: Men, Women, Happiness, & Twinkly Lights

So last night when my man would rather have been going to bed, he was tacking in these cute little

white lights that we just bought. 

It was a Pottery Barn splurge.  

But seriously, they are so cute.  And why was my man doing this?  Because:

1.  He loves me

2.  He wants to make me happy

And little white, happy twinkly lights in our little sunroom (my little place of refuge in the early am) are a super delight to me!  They truly make me happy.  

They say to me

Come.

Breathe.

Put your feet up. 

Relax. 

Rest.

Enjoy.

(You didn't know little cute, twinkly lights could talk, did you?! )

Such a small, life pleasure.  And Kurt knows this.  So, he was willing to put them up for me when he probably wished we were in bed watching a movie. 

Bottom line:  Men really want to make us women happy!  

Allow yourself to be made happy.  Maybe there's a little, small something that would bring you a lot of joy.  Allow your spouse to do that for you!  And then enjoy it!!

Mondays with the Maechners: What's the point?

What is the point?!!

This is the thought running through every man's head as he's listening to his woman.

Women can get mad at this part of the male approach to listening or they can try to understand it.  And isn't that what we all want?

Men, for the record, can be very good listeners.  The key, of course, is that since they are focused by nature, that's all they can do when listening.

So avoid trying to talk about something of value to a man when he's trying to head out the door, transitioning from work, or while he's attempting to accomplish some household task.

Now that he's focused, he'll be all there for you.  Men are really good at this when they can give you their full attention.

Next, he's thinking "What's the point?"  Why?  By design, men want to be heroes.  They are trying to determine what your problem is so that they can help fix it.  They want to rescue you.  This is one way love takes expression for a man.  Don't despise it.

However, you may not have a point.  You may just need to share something or many things.  Understanding his result-focused nature, telling him how he can help.  For example, "Sweetheart, I need to get somethings off my mind about ________.  I may not really have a point.  It would really help me a lot if you could listen to my thoughts for a few minutes."

This is helpful for him because:
1. you've told him what you're doing.
2. he doesn't have to hunt for a "point."
3. You've explained how he can help you, as in listen.

Give it a shot!

Sexy Saturdays: Multi-tasking during sex

No other person's relationship advice has impacted us as much as Alison Armstrong's.  In this short video she discusses how women and men can deal with the reality that a woman's active mind can make it difficult for her to be intimate.  She explains how a man can make himself "The Loudest Thing in Her Environment."

3 Things That Won't Change in Your Spouse

In a previous post I commented that "love me as I am" often means "I don't want to change for you."

I still stand by that, but it applies to some things and not others.

In other places, we've found that the best thing we can do for each other is to understand each other and learn to work with it, rather than be constantly frustrated.

Here are three areas to learn to accept.

1. GENDER
Beth long had been frustrated by how I get overwhelmed by too many demands or not being able to focus on her at various times.

Then we both started listening to a radio show that explained males and females.  Here we learned: Oh!  Men can ONLY focus on one thing at a time.  Now she understands and works with that.  She even teaches our girls to recognize how to gently interrupt daddy when they need his attention.

(This also explains when a guy has sex on his mind that he can't also maintain a conversation about planning for an upcoming family vacation.  He does care about that, but time with you is the only thing he can address right now.  True story :)

2. PERSONALITY STYLE
Beth loooves having people over and entertaining.  She's a people person.  I'm more of an introvert.  For years, I was so annoyed by her wanting to have people over and all the crazy house and food prep that this involved.

Then, I realized: Beth's "people-loving skills" are a huge gift to the world and a huge part of who God made her to be.  What the heck am I doing trying to thwart it?  That's when my heart changed and I started getting behind her and supporting her.

3. BIRTH ORDER
While Beth and I are both the babies of our family (we both have an older sibling), Beth is the only girl and, therefore, operates a bit like a firstborn.  That helped me realize that she wasn't just trying to railroad me when she creates all these structures and plans.  It's part of who she is.

I, on the other hand, operate much like a middle born (because of some family dynamics, I didn't take on the usual last born traits).  This means I'm very accommodating and like to bring peace.  Beth used to see this as not being willing to take charge.  She has learned to see that there's a lot of good in my approach that involves looking at things from different angles and seeing what works best for everyone. (a great book for understand birth order and relationships is here)

Action point: study each other and study yourself.  Though it doesn't apply all the time, many of these are cases to learn to love "the way they are."

The Most Touching Wedding Moment I've Ever Witnessed

In the course of filming weddings I've had the honor of witnessing some very precious moments.

But the one that stands out to me more than any other, and one that I gratefully caught on my camera was at the wedding of Marie (Konstan) Hardy.

In this clip you'll see Marie getting ready at home in the very same room that her mother got ready for her wedding.  You'll see a photo of her mom getting prepared over 20 years ago and then see Marie with her mother in that same room.

Then I got to film when Marie's father, Rob, saw his oldest daughter in her wedding dress for the first time.  The emotion of this scene still touches me each time I watch.

Finally, we had the chance to capture Marie as she came down the stairwell to the joy of her dear friends and bridesmaids.

It was a moment I will not forget.



The Most Touching Wedding Moment I've Ever Witnessed from For Real Wedding Films on Vimeo.

You can see the full wedding film here.

THE Best Wedding Planning Tips

According to The Knot the average wedding costs 20,000-40,000 dollars.

A Wedding Bee survey found that the majority of weddings take 6 months to a year to plan.

All of this is for...one day.

One day.

Now, there's value in this.  Marriage should be made a "big deal."  We honor it that way.

Still, in the midst of spending all that money and time planning a wedding for one day, I'd like to suggest something countercultural:

Plan for the following 60 years.

60 years.

Don't just plan a wedding.  Plan a marriage.

• Read marriage books.

• Take personality tests.

• Get premarital counseling.

• Our premarital counseling was required and it was okay, but we decided to do something else.  We asked an older couple that we really respected if we could just get together several times to pick their brains about what they had learned about marriage. 

• Make a list of married couples that have a marriage you would like to have.  Try to figure out what you like about them.

• Listen to marriage podcasts

• Deal with your "stuff."  Do you have some issues to face?  We all do.  Maybe now's the time to get some help, read a book, open up, share it with your fiancee or a friend, get some counseling, do some journaling.  This is one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse-to-be.

• Pray about your marriage.  Maybe you haven't prayed in a long time.  You're betting a lot on the next 60 years.  I've come to believe that God is very interested in helping you succeed here.

• Laugh and have fun together.  Sometimes you've got to ditch that wedding plan list and go get ice cream and snuggle on a park bench!

So plan that big day, but 60 years from now consider this: you'll want to look back and not just see a great wedding, but a legacy that simply started on a beautiful day.

Life on a Tuesday: Entertaining: How to turn a stress into a joy

I love having people over to our house.  

I really do.  

But, I can get stressed out by the all the things that I need to do in order to have people over...like clean the house, prep the food, manage the kiddos, set the table, get myself presentable, oh yeah...then simply enjoy the company.  

Well, just the other night we had some people over...well, like 10 people, so a little bigger crowd.  And we had a blast!  But here's a couple of small things that I did to make the night more enjoyable and less stressful:

1.  I prepped the chicken fajitas a couple of weeks earlier when we do our crazy once-a-month shopping & cooking extravanganza.  So, all I had to do was pull out the chicken in the marinade 2 days before to thaw.  Then I cut up some onions and peppers a couple hrs before people came and threw that on top of the stove to cook.  I want to make super yummy food, but keeping it simple is key!

2.  I love the look of an inviting table.  But I'm no Ina Garten, but I do have 5 lovely young ladies

who love to color.  So, we made little table cards for everyone.  Sophia, our budding artist, drew a little something for everyone and we placed that at the top of each plate for an extra sweet touch.  It never ceases to amaze me how such little things like that bless people.  I also cut some mini daffodils that had just bloomed from the garden and put them in small vases alongside some votive candles.

3.  When people came over, of course, I wasn't all ready to go like Martha Stewart says I should.  So, when people asked if they could help, I took them up on it.  I've come to believe that people really do enjoy helping out or they wouldn't ask.  So, Joe & Sarah were in the kitchen cutting up some dill and parsley for the basmati rice, one of my favorite, and super simple, side dishes from the Barefoot Contessa.  Bryan helped get all the drinks and a few others offered to bring things - like the dessert, guacamole..etc..  I have learned to never turn down anyone when they offer to help.  

So, these are just a few things that have helped me truly enjoy being more present when we have people over.